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|Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.
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Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!
Posted 04 April 2004 - 06:14 PM
the you think you have it bads:
- starving people in developing countries
- so and so's daughter has cancer.
Posted 04 April 2004 - 06:46 PM
when i first started therapy i had no memories of my father's abuse, but was having nightmares of the abuse and was having panick attacks all the time especially in certain areas of the house where i grew up. i was telling my therapist of the nightmares and that i was almost positive that i had been sexually abused by my father for lots and lots of reasons. i just nad no visual memories (just memories of fear and shame when i was little when it was happening). she said that because i didn't have any memories of the abuse, that it probably didn't happen. she said that i probably was using it as a justification of my hatred towards my father for being so mentally and physically abusive to me and my mom. i didn't really believe her, but i tried to cuz it was easier than talking about how i had felt.
three and a half years and a few different therapists later, i was sitting in class and i was hit with a memory out of nowhere, this time it was visual. what i had felt and known all along was validated. i went to therapy the next day and didn't say anything. partially because i had pushed it to the back of my mind, partly because i was afraid. about 5 days later, i told my best friend and my sponsor (like a mentor...i'm a recovering addict), and for the first time that part of my life was validated. i can't explain how incredible that felt. the next tuesday, i went to therapy and was shaking. i was going to tell her, but i didn't know how. i was so afraid that she'd think i made it up too. i was shaking. terrifyed. i knew in my head that she would be awesome and understanding, but my past experience rendered me terrifyed. i went in there shaking, and told her, and it was amazing being able to start working through it with her. yay.
ok that was a really really really long reply. sorry abouts that. it did feel good tho to get that out.
and i just want to add that people definitely don't get it sometimes. we just can't let them get to us.
Posted 07 April 2004 - 10:54 PM
My best friend who has helped me through soo much still uses the word r*pe in appropriately. Like "that exam seriously ****ed me" There's something about that word, like a verbal punch everytime I hear it.
"you were really cute then, and you did kinda look like a woman" said by a now-ex friend. I was 7 years old, you freak!
"you were soo stupid for thinking they actually needed a 7 year old's help" Hello, the key words there would be 7 year old Dumb*ss, do you think a 7 year old realizes that adults shouldn't need her help?!?
and the grand prize goes to... " maybe your mom didn't realize anything happened" said after I explained that my mom saw the very large hand and finger shaped bruises on the insides of my thighs.
Wow, thanks for making this thread, that felt good to rant.
Posted 09 April 2004 - 05:20 PM
I said to a friend once i hope it happens to you!
Posted 09 April 2004 - 10:31 PM
I never even heard the expression, "that exam seriously r*ped me". That's awful. I'd be mad at any friend who'd use an expression like that in my presence. All of the ones that are written, are crazy stupid, "you kind of looked like a woman?"
No shortage of insensitivity sometimes.
Posted 10 April 2004 - 12:02 PM
I can *almost* understand my ex-friend's comment because my mother would dress me up to look much older. I've since ripped up most of the pictures from that age because it disturbed me soo much to look at them.
Posted 14 April 2004 - 11:42 PM
"tracy I don't want to be afraid to say thing to you, Please don't make me feel like I have to worry about everything that comes out of my mouth. I don't ever mean to hurt you."
Posted 04 June 2004 - 08:16 AM
"All of Tori Amos' songs are about her rape. She should just get over that shit already."
I said.."Rape is not something you just 'get over with'. "
Posted 04 June 2004 - 05:22 PM
"So many people have had it so much worse...just get over it alredy."
"Oh, you were abused? That's nice *changes subject*..."
Posted 05 June 2004 - 05:23 AM
"Did he ejaculate inside you?" Did he ...the list goes on?"...Does it really matter if he(fill in blank) I hurt inside and I'm humiliated every time you ask these horrible questions.
Get over it is a common on for me as well
When at the hospital after last time I was r*ped...at first everyone was kind until they found out I had done drugs that night then it was suddenly unimportant that it happened. I was a loser, a stoner who cares.
My mom after last r*pe...She cries, yells, screams, you don't ever tell me anything. I just wanted her to hold me and say it was going to be ok. She refused to hug me even. She was mad I didn't go running to her right after it happened. Why would I if you make me feel worse. She did apologize later and has helped me though some things.
"you had sex with him before why was this time any different?"
"at least you got some."
Posted 05 June 2004 - 05:27 AM
after telling someone a piece of my story...I get the pitiful stare...I shrink a little inside...then comes the horribly awkward silence
Posted 06 June 2004 - 01:02 PM
"Are you sure he just wasnt curious, i mean my brother showed me his winky when he was little" ~mom yes well did he proceed to make you touch him and then touch you.. oh and can you really be "curious" at 16 really.
"dont tell anyone itll ruin our family"~mom oh.. ok that helps so now im the dirty family secret. kthx
my friend is always trying to put his hand on my shoulder and i always freak out and back away and several times hes said "jeez whats wrong your brothers touch you when you were little" yes.. well as a matter of fact...
"shes fully capable of getting a boyfriend, she just needs to stop being so sad or shell be alone forever" well ya know what if we could all just be happy all the time i think we would.
people say some stupid stuff sometimes.
Posted 07 June 2004 - 03:12 PM
This one from a friend of mine who's in a band. They asked me to be their photographer so Im at all of their shows (he knows about my r*pe)
-Yea so we're gonna cover Nirvana's "Rape Me"
I said "Ugg... I love Nirvana and everything but.. erm that song really upsets me. I know it bothers a lot of people... you know because of the subject matter.
-He laughs and says -Eh well we're doing it anyway.
-Youre over exaggerating
-Its no big deal
-Lets talk about something happier.
AND THE WORSE...
-YOU WERE ASKING FOR IT. ITS YOUR FAULT TOO.
Posted 13 June 2004 - 06:34 PM
Posted 13 June 2004 - 07:40 PM