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Dont Know What To Do, What To Believe
Posted 21 May 2004 - 05:30 AM
I am 19 at the moment. I am not coping with life at the moment. I'm not sure about whether I have been abused or not. I feel that I might have been when I was quite young and have possibly blocked it out. I dont know what to do at the moment.
All the way through my childhood I was extremely sexually active, and this was almost only with other boys. I started doing things which in retrospect can only be viewed as 'self molestation' from at least age 7. It might have been earlier. I used to put things inside myself (anything phallic). recently I have become afraid that I may have been acting out something that may have gone on during something I may have repressed or forgotten about. Also, with a couple of other boys I did some pretty hard core things from like 9-11yrs, which commonly involved risk of being found out, gross indecency, sometimes pain and putting things inside each other etc. However I never kissed another boy at all, at least until I was 18.
From that 8yrs old (ish) onwards I used to constantly think wanting about a guy/man/boy (nobody in particular) being inside me, even though I can remember not really knowing about sex until mum explained it to me when i was around 10. I never thought about it the other way, only having someone inside me. Once I hit about yr(gr) 7 and found out that gay=bad, my self esteem fell away a lot, although not even mum noticed about anything going on.
I was constantly scared of being gay and still continued to 'molest myself' constantly, i say molest because the badness of what i was doing used to tun me on and motivate me to do it (twice a day on average for about 5 or 6 yrs), and then the reality of what I'd done would make me fill with dread afterwards, I would hate myself and vow never to do it again. Sometimes I was so sickened by what I was doing I vomited. Sometimes I bled from my anus.
Ever since I can remember there have been certain men that when I meet them or am around them, feel extremely distrusting of. Sometimes, even now I get really scared, cant look them in the eyes etc. I can remember I didn't like the way I felt their eyes were on me.
Throughout all those 5 or 6 yrs (12-17ish) I was constantly in relationships with girls, some of which were sexual, but I only fantasized about males, whether the same age or older (although not significantly). I wanted to kiss other boys as well etc.
OK high school in western australia goes from yrs 8-12. In about yr 9 I met a boy who was starting in yr 8 that reminded me of myself extremely and began to flirt with him in form class (home room). For the first time I actually thought of wanting to be inside another boy and it excited and disgusted me, especially becuase he was younger than me. We discussed stuff and he finally told me that he liked me a lot the next yr. We never did anything.
In yr 11 and 12 I moved from the country to the city, and was at a boarding school with boys from yr(grade) 8-12. I still had girlfriends the whole time, but felt myself becoming more and more obsessed about boys, older, same age and younger. My self esteem took a belting because of the fact that I was attracted to younger boys as well, although never spoke about or acted on my feelings. In yr 12 (17) i almost had sex with my roommate who was one yr older than me.
Although I did not do anything untoward with any of the younger boys ever, I was friendly to them, was somewhat of a role model and provided friendship and counselling to them all.
I felt like wanting to protect them and secretly had a crush on a couple of them also, even though these two boys were 3 yrs younger than me.
I wanted to be there for any of them when they needed someone to talk to etc as a way of atoning for how I felt sexually. I was extremely depressed, unmotivated and upset, although I kept it well hidden.
All throughout all the years of high school I barely made any close friends at school unless they were girls, and continued to fantasize about having men inside me. Sometimes I had nightmares about a shadow standing over me and feeling very dirty and bad. I'd wake up in tears, especially in the later yrs of high school when I began to feel attracted to a couple of younger boys also. The nightmares were horrible but vague.
In 2002 I was on exchange to Japan where nothing at all happened sexually.
The next yr (2003) i returned to australia, broke up with gf (couldn't accept fact that i was bi) and met a guy who was 14 months younger than me. We fell in love and started having sex etc. we were living together in my house. For the first couple of months I was fine. Then I was bashed up by a gang of youths at a train station. It stuffed me up really badly. I couldn't process the event and developed PTSD, which led to extreme anxiety about going out etc and into depression. While I was depressed the dreams about the shadow standing over me occured more frequently but still vaguely.
Around that time I found myself sexually attracted for the first time to a boy who was significantly younger than myself. He was the younger brother of a boy who I had fooled around with in primary school. They are family friends. His name is Levi and I care about him very much. He is 15 now and I am 19. We are quite similar people. I had never felt attracted to him physically until he turned about 14, by which point he had physically matured to where he looked the same age as me. He was already taller than me, more muscular etc, and having been through a lot himself he is very mature.
At my mum's 50'th birthday I came on to him. We flirted the whole night and both got very drunk. Before anything happened I stopped myself and thought "sh*t he's just a kid! what are you doing...". By that point I had however confessed to levi that i liked him a lot. I apologised to levi and promised that it would never happen again, however the sexual tension between us was explosive and upsetting for both of us.
He told his mum about us flirting. She was extremely angry with me, for which she had every right to be. I was banned from having contact with him again and mum and her friendship dissolved. I physically hurt myself frequently to punish myself for having f@#!ed up. I asked my mum about whether I may have been abused when I was young and she said no, it could never of happened, she got very defensive.
After that I have been depressed the whole time, my bf and I broke up. For about six months I have been having fantasies about being young again and having someone inside me. It makes me feel dirty but turns me on also. I have looked at pornography with young teenage boys having sex with older men on a number of occaisions. I obsess about wanting to be one of those boys and being molested and raped. I feel sometimes that I deserve it to punish me for being perverted and disgusting. I hate myself completely. I hate hating myself. I am so scared of being found out for doing it, I dont know why I did it. I am such a coward and a piece of sh*t.
In the middle of the period, I came home one day to find Levi waiting at my house. I went around to his place straight away and talked to his mum coz i didn't know what else to do. Since then things have been better with us and I am close friends to Levi, we sail together and catch up all the time. I am his confidant also (most of which I relay to his mum now anyway hehehehe) and I am good friends with his mum too!!! It helped coz I had the opportunity to say sorry again.
Up until about 2+1/2 months ago i was still feeling sexually attracted to boys significantly younger than myself, but for some reason i dont anymore (and thank god because a few times during that period I hurt myself and took packets of pain killers etc.). I dont know why but I dont feel that way at all anymore. Over the last 3 months I have looked at that sort of porn 3 times, at periods of extreme depression, I dont know why perhaps to punish myself for something. When I get more depressed I get the dreams more often too.
For the last few weeks I have been feeling extremely depressed and apathetic, although the dreams have almost stopped, and i have not look at any of those disgusting pictures nor feel that I want to. I have sorted through most of the issues that came about due to getting bashed up etc. So I'm like... why am I still depressed. I think that maybe there is something deeper here that I dont know about but as i've written this out i think that maybe there is.... I dont know what to do I hate feeling so sh*t and I'm scared that something bad has happened to me, and just as scared that it might not have and I've been some crazed psycho from childhood onwards lol. I know that I am a good person who enjoys making other people laugh and happy but at the same time this part makes me hate myself so much. I haven't told anyone about this.
Plz help before I go completely mad and kill myself lol. Bcoz i cant take much more sh*t. I hope nobody has been offended by what I have written
Posted 21 May 2004 - 05:46 AM
Please don't be suicidal. If things are really bothering you then it's probably a good idea to maybe seek some help, find a good therapist, keep talking about your life and try to form connective relationships, make some good friends you can trust. You can't do it alone <3 I'm not offended :) <3 Take care.
Posted 21 May 2004 - 07:18 AM
all i can say is being in WA doesn't make it easy eh!
i just encourage you to seek out any support that you can.
why? you deserve it. you've done nothing wrong.
Posted 21 May 2004 - 11:55 PM
Posted 22 May 2004 - 01:37 AM
I'm glad you're feeling better <3
Posted 22 May 2004 - 11:10 AM
Wow, do you have a boatload of grief to deal with or what??? First off, I'm sorry for your need to be here but I'm glad you found this site. This is a comforting and safe place to be.
Second, please don't be so hard on yourself about your homosexuality. Yes, some people are homophobic and may try to add tons of guilt to your already heavy load. Don't let them. It's not like it's an active choice you made nor can you simply decide not to be. Not being homosexual myself I cannot truly appreciate all you've gone through but I am responsible for my feelings and attitude about it. I just recently found out a very dear friend is gay and let me reassure you that it has not changed my feelings about her one little iota. She's still a wonderfully talented poet, a delightful person, and will always be my "daughter." (We adopted each other many years ago and she still calls me mom to this day.)
Third, I am very glad to hear you are addressing the issue of your attraction to young boys. I hope you are successful in that, because you seem like a truly decent person, despite what you believe/think of yourself, and I know you would not want to be responsible for harming even one child. Good on you for addressing this side of you and taking steps to squelch it. I think very highly of you for this.
Fourth, is there a therapist available to you? A good one won't try to "cure" you of your homosexuality but they can help you address the serious issues you have with self-esteem and other problems. It seems to me that low self-esteem is one of your biggest problems and truly needs work on it.
Fifth - again, don't be so hard on yourself. I can see only one serious issue that you need to address and, from reading your original message, it looks like you are taking steps to do so. You did not ask for ask for the problems you've been facing and certainly should not be held accountable for those experiences. It's what you do with the future that will be one of your most difficult challenges. I think you'll do well, though. You certainly have it in you to do so and have proven yourself to be stronger than those around you. Best of luck to you, Matt.
Posted 22 May 2004 - 11:29 AM
Take precious care of yourself.
Posted 22 May 2004 - 01:09 PM
(((offers you very very safe hugs)))
I'm sorry you've had to endure so much.
I'm a lesbian myself, and it's taken me a long time to be able to admit it. It's something that my mother believes I should be ashamed of, but I've *finally* (after 3 or 4 years) embraced it as part of myself. Please don't beat yourself up over what happened with the young man you were involved with. Sometimes things don't work out, and it wasn't *your* fault. People are uptight, and stupid at times. They judge what they don't understand. And please try your hardest not to hurt yourself. I often OD'ed too, and I have liver damage (probably). Please don't hurt yourself. You don't deserve that.
There's *nothing* wrong with being gay, bi, lesbian, transgender, or anything like that.
I'm sorry you've had to go through so much pain.
We're here for you.
Posted 22 May 2004 - 10:30 PM
welcome to after silence. like everyone before me has said, don't feel guilty about being homosexual...if that's who you are thats' fine. you shouldn't feel ashamed about this. you certainly have been through alot and i'm glad that you've found these boards. i hope you continue to post. whatever happened to you as a child was in no way your fault. please, be gentle and safe with yourself. if you could find a therapist it might help you out a lot. i've just started that recently and it has helped me a great deal. just wanted to let you know you are welcome here and you are not alone.
Posted 23 May 2004 - 12:35 AM
not happy jan.
Um yeh I am the queer officer at my uni, I definitely have no probs about liking guyz as well, it's my job to promote awareness and visibilty etc so I am very much 'out'. Um yeh, I feel and felt dirty and disgusting about feeling like wanting to be molested and hurt, what I did to mysel when was a little kid and also the fact that I have been attracted to someone younger than me.
but yeh I went to the psychic friend's house yesterady afternoon and she helped me sort out some things and remember one particualr incident that happened at an after school care thing when I was like 5 or 6 yrs old. I think I was always aware of this on some level but haven't thought about it conciously for years.
Another kid, who was like 12 or 13 physically abused me for about 20 minutes or so. He sat on my chest, held me down poked me, slapped me, punched me, bit me and rubbed himself on me. There were other kids there who saw what happened to an extent, but they just laughed, i think he swapped places with one kid. The whole time I didn't cry out at all, I just struggled to get away as much as I could for a while but then I just lay there when I ran out of strength, mentally and physically. I think more things happened with him as well, that had a sexual nature to them. I can't remember it much though.
The thing is I don't have any emotions towards this uch. I feel barren of feeling and do not care about anything at all. I feel numb and I feel like I want to cry but don't know how to.
luvs to everyone and thankyou so kindly everyone, it's good to feel that I have support and understanding. Luv from matt
Posted 23 May 2004 - 02:16 AM
Guilt and shame is a major problem for people like us. It's important to recognize that you really shouldn't feel like that. It's just another thing survivors have to work through and it really isn't fair. You need to have confidence in yourself and your ability to make it, because you are terrifically strong. You just need to see that in yourself to realize as we all do.
I can relate. I often had the same sort of thoughts about 'wanting' abuse.. but in another post someone mentioned that it's probably a coping mechanism for us to deal with the fact that control was taken away from us. Don't feel bad for your past.. You just need to move forwards and try to make the right decisions on your journey. You can do it! <3
Take care darlin. Keep posting. We'll help you through it. :)
ps- I love gay/bi men. They are like ... the best. :) I think most girls would agree with me too heheh. :o <3 <3
Posted 23 May 2004 - 04:19 PM
Alysure, I would certainly be one of those girls who agree with you. One of my dearest friends in the whole world was a gay guy who worked as a cook at the psych hospital I worked in about 20 years ago. He was so much fun to hang around with and there was never that sexual tension you have as a woman when you're hanging around a hetero man. I've always liked hanging around gay men... they're usually very funny and make the best confidantes!
Matt, good on you, lad! You're taking steps to address the problems you see yourself as having and that's always a good thing for any of us to do. I certainly wish for you the best success dealing with these issues.
Will you be my buddy? I think you'd be great fun to hang with!
Gentle and loving hugs,