|Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.
After Silence has over 30 different forums, ranging from topics created to discuss specific areas of healing and recovery from rape and sexual violence, as well as forums open to general discussions and lighter topics. Because we value the privacy of our members, most of our forums are private, which means that ONLY REGISTERED members have access to them. Please register for a free account to gain full access to the After Silence Online Support Group.
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org
The Inner Child Thread
Posted 03 November 2005 - 12:42 AM
(oh man, now she's gonna be running around like a nutcase. good thing i got dance tonight)
Posted 03 November 2005 - 04:45 AM
Posted 03 November 2005 - 05:31 AM
and karen, yeah i think its fine to write negative stuff too, i may be joining you as me and my little one are feeling very negative right now too , but i will post about that in a moment
Take care everyone
Dawn (and little one)
Posted 03 November 2005 - 11:59 AM
Of course! And you wouldn't be ruining anything. We are all only human, and so are our little ones. The important thing, only, is to be honest.
I'm sorry you and your little one are feeling bad.
Posted 03 November 2005 - 12:04 PM
Well, you let Hilary see your picture today, didn't you? And I think it felt good, didn't it? She looked at it for a long time, didn't she? I think she likes you.
It was hard for me, for a while, actually. Because it was like you and Hilary were playing off in the corner, and I was left on my own. You know it's hard for me to play games - they scare me.
But in the end, I read out my last letter to you, didn't I? My voice and hands were shaking so much, weren't they? But I did it, and I looked at you in the photograph.
Now, this next bit is scary I know, but Hilary wants you to try and write a letter too. Do you think you might be able to do that? You don't have to do it now, you can do it when you want to. And it can be about anything you like.
You know what, if you write me a letter, I promise (cross my heart and hope to die) that I will read it, and that I will listen.
Posted 03 November 2005 - 02:12 PM
Dear Little one,
We have had a hard day today haven't we?
recalling memories of things we would rather forget, that has been really really hard. Today i am really hurting, really sad, really lonely and really scared.
I feel i have no one to turn to, maybe that's why im writing to you. sometimes writing to you makes me feel good, other times it makes me feel sad.
not sad that i have you, because im not,... but i guess im sad that your hurting, and that im hurting and there is nothing i can do about it.
I just wanna curl in a ball and die!, does that seem harsh, or selfish?, maybe it does, im sorry... but right now im loosing hope i really am.
I don't want to be me anymore.
As you can tell im at odds, i have sat staring at this screen for ages, wondering what my inner child would say back to me.... i reckon she would say this....
I know today has been hard, its all my fault!, i made you remember those things, i knew you'd forgotten about bathtime, but that time really scared me and hurt me, and i had to tell you about it.. please don't be cross.
I am sorry your sad and hurting, but im sad and hurting too, maybe we should both curl up in a corner and just give up! ~ would that make you feel better?
Your not normally a quiter why are you being so weak?, your meant to look out for me, you said you would, but you lied.
~ little one
my little one is angry at me, im angry at her, i am also angry at myself what can we do. little one blames me, and i blame me.... its all my bl**dy fault.
why did i ever open my heart to little one, only to be hurt.... right now im angry and my whole existence annoys me beyond belief.
Posted 03 November 2005 - 02:26 PM
i dont like no people today. its been yucky days and my tummy hurts. she been making herself sick and i dont like it when she does that. i just wanna have ice cream and sweeties but she say no. she say things like that gonna make us fat and she dont wanna be fat. but i know ice cream will make me feel better and i dont care about stupid stuff like getting fat.
i dont like teazle. she been bad lots for lots days now. i dont like hurting and stuff has been hurting lots. i miss my daddy. i want my daddy back. it hurts without him and i miss him. he was a nice man and he gave me cuddles and he made me feel safe. me never feel same no more. me just wanna be safe and not have any more bad men or bad women doing things like touching.
i dont understand why i gotta let bad men and bad women touch. i dont understand that. i want to play but i'm not allowed, i gotta hide or let people touch. i dont like the touching. i just want to feel safe. it makes me angry when people are nasty like that.
people been lots nasty today and yesterday. people said we not telling the truth and i dont like that. thats not fair cos i never liar. but i guess i am bad girl. thats why people is nasty to me cos i'm a liar. you lied as well teazle. you said going to try and listen but your NOT listening. i hate you. oops, i writes too much.
Posted 03 November 2005 - 04:04 PM
I'm sorry I've ignored you. I'm sorry I haven't let you out. I'm sorry you felt like youve had to hide all these years but you can come out. You don't have to hide anymore. We're in this together and we can get through this. I love you. I'm sorry daddy did bad things to us. I didn't want them to happen. I'm sorry I haven't let you cry. I'm working on it. I will try to listen to you more. I really do love and care about you Lis. Really. *hugs and kisses*
Posted 04 November 2005 - 09:13 AM
Hello again. I'm sorry i havent had the energy to talk to you recently i'm just trying to sort this mess out that i call my life. I feel like crying when i think of you, i cant feel you right now, it feels like your dead. But i dont want you to die. I was us to be together again. I know you told me you couldnt face school anymore and i listened but my mind is telling me i should be worried. I know we are both getting tired after one day of work yesterday and im just wondering if your sure leaving school and going on to do hairdressing is such a good idea? You've been shaken so much these past few weeks and i dont know how to help. Im scared and my mind is just giving me negative thoughts. I wanted to do well yesterday, be confident but no youi wouldnt allow it you had to shy away and hide. I dont understand what your telling me its all mixed up. I cant even be bothered to write a poem about how we feel anymore, why does nothing interest us any more? Nothing seems fun nothing seems like a good idea nothing seems easy apart from sleeping.
I want you to like me. I know i dont like myself and you dont like yourself but i wish we did like ourselves and each other. Why do you need to be loved so much? If only you didnt trust and rely on people so much we wouldnt keep getting hurt. Dont you get it? It just you and me who can make decissions, protect ourselves. Im so confused please help me. I know you like to be alone but if your alone then you cant find anyone here with us to love you which is what you also want...you cant have everything. I dont want to be like this why cant we change? I want to change. I dont like me. I dont like how much you hurt or how numb you feel, why cant you just feel and be normal? Why cant i be normal? I dont want you to hurt me but is it you or my mind telling me i have to punish myself? Why dont you like me? Im sorry! I know you were telling me youwere in pain and just to open my eyes and say something, stop him but i was as numb as you are now. I dont feel like me any more i just feel like im your mask hiding you from the world. Why cant we just be friends? Why do we have to act and hide?
Please take care.
Im no angel, my wings are black and broken i cant fly - if i could i'd fly away from here. There is no holo above my head only a stormy cloud. Me too feel like i am dead, daydreamer why cant i show myself to mommy? I dont want to feel too ashamed now. Bothers supposed to keep me safe, safe forever. You should be my bestest friend but i dont like you. I dont like school the people scare me they dont like you or me, the teachers are mean and the work is hard and your mind takes is out on me its not fair why is everything my fault? I too am scared and worried of work now its so long it makes me tired. I want to sleep, sleep forever - sleep is good. You feel like i've been shaken? You and your nasty mind have been shaking me! I cant help being shy! I cant help not having fun any more! I want my toys, my laughter, my smile back but our mean brother stole them.
I dont like you- you hurt me! You didnt protect us! You made me hide. You neglected me. You brought all this pain and you let that mean pig stay at home just to make mommy happy - well what about me? I dont like him, i want him to go away and his here because you couldnt say no! If i let people see me i get hurt so shhhh! I have to stay here. Leave me alone. I need to be alone only on a computer can i come out because a computer screen cant hurt me - well unless you read something that i dont like. Why cant you understand im confused too? Your grown up - you should know whats right but no you lean on me and i cant take it so i make you find someone else but they hurt us. Me dont think we are normal any more. What is normal? Every decission i make is wrong - i always wrong - naughty me. I want to sleep - i want to hide - hiding good. Im too tired. Confused, hurt, tired, lost....
Everything gonna go wrong...punishment is used to learn from mistakes but we dont learn so we need to be puunished until we do. We are naughty -naughty little girls. If everything carries on like this i dont think i can carry on...i am weak...you have to stop me dying. Please help me.
From your inner child.
Edited by Daydreamer, 04 November 2005 - 09:22 AM.
Posted 06 November 2005 - 01:00 AM
Posted 10 November 2005 - 08:01 AM
Um, yeah... so, on Monday I was a complete b*tch to you. I don't know if you and I are speaking, but someone was speaking to Hilary today - was that you? The scarf smells of her now, that's nice, isn't it?
Maybe making you cry like that helped. Who knows.
Anyway, it's a bit weird and tough at the moment, and we have to do all this flipping scary grown up things. But maybe we can try and stick together. Or something.
Posted 10 November 2005 - 08:51 AM
i don't know how to deal with her
Posted 10 November 2005 - 11:06 AM
(edited cuz I can't spell)
Edited by Maddy, 10 November 2005 - 11:08 AM.
Posted 10 November 2005 - 11:26 AM
Posted 10 November 2005 - 01:28 PM