Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.
|Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.
After Silence has over 30 different forums, ranging from topics created to discuss specific areas of healing and recovery from rape and sexual violence, as well as forums open to general discussions and lighter topics. Because we value the privacy of our members, most of our forums are private, which means that ONLY REGISTERED members have access to them. Please register for a free account to gain full access to the After Silence Online Support Group.
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org
The Inner Child Thread
Posted 27 October 2005 - 06:18 AM
When i read your letter from your inner child it really made me feel so many emotions, maybe emotions that had been building up in me for a long long time. I want to write to your inner child (i hope that is okay with you) please ignore spelling and grammer (not my strong points)
Dear Teazles inner child,
What a powerful and emotion filled piece of writting you have just written. I wish that i could reach right in and hug you and comfort you, because you deserve to be hugged, loved and comforted.
You are not a bad bad girl, and neither is Teazle. Your mummy did hurt you, but that doesn't make you bad at all, it makes your mummy bad... and i think that your mummy needs some help to deal with all that badness that is inside of her.
You say that you don't like teazle, but that's a little harsh for she does not let those bad things happen to you because she is nasty or anthing else, you see Teazle has no choice in this. Those men are stronger than Teazle, far stronger. Teazle's mummy is naughty and she uses her position as mother to overpower you and teazle.
It is fine to want to curl up and hide, ask my inner child ~ she did it for so long, but the thing is sometimes when you curl up and hide you can get forgotton about, or get a little lost and that can make for a lonely place to be.
I imagine its hard to reach out when the world seems so scary and all you want to do is be comforted, but that comfort doesn't seem to be there, i imagine taht's hurtful and scary. But maybe you and Teazle can work together to comfort one another. You say that Teazle doesn't like you sucking your thumb because she is ashamed of us, maybe im wrong her , but maybe she sn't ashmaed of you, but moreso of the act of 'sucking the thumb' ~ for in our "social world" its not always seen as appropriate for grown ups to suck there thumb ~ perosonally i think that's stupid and if sucking a thumb provides comfort then great, so if it makes you feel comforted suck your thumb, there is nothing wrong in that.
Having an inner child does not mean that we are not strong, Teazle is very strong, and she is strong enough to be aware that she has an inner child that should be listened to.
You said that Teazle doesn't listen to you, I think maybe Teazle is a little scared of what she might hear or feel if she listens to you. I know that when my inner child and I began to get to know each other it was scary to listen to her, because she had secrets and memories that i didn't want to hear.. she also reminded me of how life should have been. So i don't think Teazle is being nasty or deliberatly not listening to you i just think she finds it a little hard,a nd that's okay... but maybe you need to be gentle on Teazle, and Teazle to be gentle on you as well because your both special, and your both hurting right now, and more importantly you both care about one another but your just finding it hard to reach each other.
Just because Teazle is big and grown up does not mean that she is supossed to fix everything, sometimes life is hard and sometimes things seem irrepairable. You seem angry at Teazle, but i think that the anger you feel and direct at Teazle is directed in the 'wrong' place, maybe it is her mummy your angry at, maybe it is the men that hurt you and teazle your angry at... but soemtimes when we are angry we direct it at the 'wrong' people, usually the people we hold dear and care very much for... I am not sure why we do that at all but anger is a very powerful emotion that can overwhelm us and at times can be very self destructive.
you say you want teazle to play, but she doesn't and you think she gets all embaressed, im not sure how teazle feels about this, but soemtimes its hard for us to 'play' sometimes we have forgotten how to play and how to be happy, and that's when we need our inner child to show us the way, to show us how to play and how to feel again ~ couold you maybe one day show Teazle the way?
I understand that your lonely and i understand that it is scary, but not all people are bad and not all people are scary, some people do care really they do. I care, and i know lots of people here do, and deep down Teazle care's too.
Sometimes Teazle may pretend to be strong, as you say, because that is the only way to be at times, sometimes that is the only way that we can funtion in society. Now that doesn't mean that we don't care because we do, but sometimes its easier to hide behind the 'i am strong' mask, rather than show the 'i am hurting' side to ourselves.
Mummies are supopsed to be nice, your right, but your mummy isn't and that's really sad but it is not Teazles's fault, not at all.
Please don't hate Teazle for she is doing her best in a time when things are very very hard for her. I would imagine she feels sad enough without having to think that her inner child hates here.
I know that inner children can get cross and that is fine, ask mine she is often cross at me, but she doesn't hate me any more, sure sometimes she is angry at me for the way i do things, but sometimes she has to acept that we (the adults) have to do what we think is best to deal with any given situation.... but deep down we are always thinking of our inner children.
i hope that one day you and Teazle can live together in perfect harmony, but until then give her a chance....
I think that you are a lovely inner child, your very honest and that is good, as it will help you through, your are also brave too, very strong qualities to have... ~ you and my inner child owuld be friends.... so if you find that some days Teazle can't play with you, close your eyes look deep and you will see my inner child ready and waiting to play, cuddle, cry, laugh or just cause mischief with you.
Take care Teazle's inner child.
not sure if any of it makes sense at all, but it came to me as i typed, thinking of you
Posted 27 October 2005 - 06:35 AM
Wow, Teazle, your letter made me cry. It was so honest, and true. I was shaking, almost, because it is so close to how I feel right now, or more to the point how Little Bee feels, but I've never allowed her to say it. Thank you.
I think, only you can truly reply to this. But you don't have to do it until you are ready. You could tell her that you have heard her though. Or, you could just say to her exactly what you said to us, above. Ultimately, and I know this sounds so so hard, the only person your inner child really wants to hear from is you.
You will get there. Goodness, we all will. After today's therapy session I feel a million miles away myself.
Posted 27 October 2005 - 06:54 AM
This is going to be so hard, because it isn't nice.
Dear Little Bee,
I don't know how to write this letter today because I am scared of hurting you. But I am also angry. And maybe I'm not even writing to you, maybe I'm writing to myself, this big grown up who is so crap she can never keep hold of you. And even just writing that I feel sick because it sounds so like mother, doesn't it? The way she would try and manipulate us by belittling herself.
WHERE ARE YOU? Why do you keep running away? You know Hilary is safe, and she is trying so hard to reach you. To reach us. Why do you feel so f*cking scared and sick whenever she says nice things? Why do you want to get up and scream? Why do you want to wreck this perfect veneer I've spent years building up? I can't be a mess. I can't. I don't know how to do it. And yet I'm going to have to, sometime, if I let you out.
Oh god. Now that's done it. I do this to you all the time don't I? I'm not better than mother. I get you to come out of hiding and then I shout at you.
Hilary really wants to talk to you. And I want you to talk to Hilary too. But I'm also worried because I'm the grown up that I have my own agendas for wanting you to talk to Hilary. I'm worried that the only reason I want you to talk to Hilary is because it will make ME feel good. Do I even care about you? Really? Have I ever truthfully felt that closeness?
I want to though.
God, but it's so FRUSTRATING. I think I get close to you, but then it's like a hall of f*cking mirrors and you're gone again, and all I see is myself, this stupid adult staring back at me. And you're off laughing somewhere.
I think you hate me as much as I hate you, sometimes.
I just don't understand. I don't understand how this f*cking place works. I don't understand the language, I don't even know how to f*cking speak. And I feel so bloody cold. It's cold without you.
But why would you want to come anywhere near me? I didn't protect you. I've called you pathetic and stupid and embarrassing and I've shouted at you and told you to shut up. And I'm not your mother, am I? I will never be good enough.
I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to say. And I hate that. I work with words. So why can't I find the right ones to reach you? Hilary is so good with words. She makes you feel something, I know. But she can't do this, even though I know you want her to. You don't want me, but I have to do it. But I don't know how to. I don't know and right now I just feel so much despair. How can I find you when I don't even know you?
Please help me.
Posted 27 October 2005 - 07:05 AM
I don't think Little bee will mind you being angry, for we all get angry sometimes....
Im not sure i have any advice ruthie (i wish i did) but sometimes the whole inner child work seems so hard, and can be damm frustrating, and that's why it is okay to get angry and cross at little bee (or indeed just situations).... be gentle on yourself and of course little bee,... thinking of you.
Posted 27 October 2005 - 07:08 AM
Today my inner child is feeling fine, she is happy and settled and feels safe, its a nice feeling and she hasn't felt it for so long.
My inner child would like to send out hugs to everyone's inner children, but in particular Teazle's inner child, and Ruthie's Little Bee ~because i think they may really need hugs right now.
Edited by Dawn, 27 October 2005 - 07:08 AM.
Posted 27 October 2005 - 08:33 AM
Some of the lyrics don't quite work, but most of them are so appropriate for this thread. So I thought I'd post them.
Promise To Try
Little girl don't you forget her face
Laughing away your tears
When she was the one who felt all the pain
Little girl never forget her eyes
Keep them alive inside
I promise to try -- it's not the same
Keep your head held high -- ride like the wind
Never look behind, life isn't fair
That's what you said, so I try not to care
Little girl don't run away so fast
I think you forgot to kiss -- kiss her goodbye
Will she see me cry when I stumble and fall
Does she hear my voice in the night when I call
Wipe away all your tears, it's gonna be all right
I fought to be so strong, I guess you knew
I was afraid you'd go away, too
Little girl you've got to forget the past
And learn to forgive me
I promise to try -- but it feels like a lie
Don't let memory play games with your mind
She's a faded smile frozen in time
I'm still hanging on -- but I'm doing it wrong
Can't kiss her goodbye -- but I promise to try
Posted 27 October 2005 - 10:00 AM
"No Matter What" by Debi Gliori, published by Bloomsbury Paperbacks
Small was feeling grim and dark
Playing toss and fling and squash
yell and scream and bang and crash
break and snap and bash and batter...
"Good grief," said Large
"What is the matter?"
"I'm a grim and grumpy
loves me at all."
"Oh Small," Said Large. "Grumpy or not
I'll always love you no matter what."
Small said, "If I was a grizzly bear,
would you still love me,
would you care?"
"Of course," said Large
"bear or not,
I'll always love you
no matter what."
Small said, "But if I turned into a bug,
would you still love me and give me a hug?"
"Of course," said Large,
"bug or not,
I'll always love you
no matter what."
"No matter what?" said Small
"What if I was
Large said, "I'd hug you close and tight,
and tuck you up in bed each night."
"Does love wear out," said Small,
"does it break or bend?
Can you fix it, stick it,
does it mend?"
"Oh help." said Large, "I'm not that clever,
I just know I'll love you forever."
Small said, "But what about
when we're dead and gone
would you love me then,
does love go on?"
Large held Small snug
as they looked out at the night,
at the moon in the dark
and the stars shining bright.
"Small, look at the stars
how they shine and glow,
but some of those stars died
a long time ago."
"Still they shine in the evening skies
love, like starlight, never dies."
That is about as much as I can contribute to this at the moment
Posted 27 October 2005 - 10:08 AM
Thanks for that, it really made my inner child feel all warm inside
Thanks for sharing those song lyrics with us.
Posted 28 October 2005 - 08:00 AM
i dont like hur rite now
she wont let me speek
even wen i want to speek
whi dusent she like me
i guess that girl was who i call "little mel" yes. i do silence her all the time, and she's beginning to assert herself despite me. she gets frustrated, like you see above, when i don't let her "speek" i let her play, we colour and read stories. i think she's about 8. she wasn't a part of me affected by CSA, but she lets me heal that wounded child. she is so intelligent, she lets me know things that i wouldn't know in adulthood, because kids have way s of telling us things that aren't like adults ways. For instance she looks at every flower she sees and says "pwetty" even if it's non descript or just ordinary.
i love you little mel. i am going to take better care of you.
Posted 29 October 2005 - 08:25 AM
i'm very sad today. today is a yucky day. 'teazle' tried to look for me but i hided cos i knew why she was looking for me. she was looking cos she felt like she had to, and she wanted to feel better cos i'm sad and that makes her feel sad as well.
i dont want her to look for me cos she feels she has to though. i want her to look for me cos she wants to comfort me and make it all better but she dont. she just thinks about her self. stupid selfish teazle.
i want her to see how much i am hurting but she dont. she dont listen at all. she comes looking for me but i think its just to make me be quiet. i wanna be quiet sometimes but i dont wanna be quiet when shes trying to make me. thats not fair. i want her to write me a letter but she dont. she come here and she ashamed about what i wrote and thats not fair either. i dont think im allowed to talk here cos she ashamed of me. she gets all embarrassed.
like when i suck my thumb she dont like that but i like sucking my thumb. it makes me feel safe but she dont understand that, she just dont understand and she dont listen neither. i just wanna her to listen. just a little bit listen.
our mummy came back today and i scared of mummy so i went and hid. teazle tried to hide as well, she no speak to mummy but mummy drunk anyway.
i want a mummy. a nice one. thats why sometimes i feel like sending emails and messages to people cos i am feeling lonely and that makes teazle feel lonely so she sends them.
i dont like making teazle feel sad and i dont mean to but when im sad and if im not hiding good enough then she feels it as well. im sad today and thats making her sad. shes all tired and im all tired and i wanna curl up and cry but she never lets cry
i hate her for never letting cry. she never lets me cry and she never cries. she never ever does it. i hide and cry sometimes but she gets angry and i dont like it when shes angry. i dont like it. i dont like it. i wanna her to be nice and if she not nice i wanna someone else to be nice. like dawn. she nice.
i just wanna feel better and safe. and have a nice mummy. anyone wanna be my nice mummy?
Posted 29 October 2005 - 10:52 AM
Its really okay to feel all those things, it really is.
If you ever want to talk PM me, okay
Posted 29 October 2005 - 12:20 PM
Sometimes you really confuse me, sometimes what you say is not what you think or really feel, why do you do that?, its really confusing and not much fun.
You put yourself into situations that you know you don't really like, and those are situations that daunt me and make me want to hide, cringe and curl up small... Take last night for example you were out with Julie ~ nothing unusual there i guess as you and Julie are great friends, and you do have good times with her, but you always seem to go out drinking, I really don't like it when you drink as much as you drank last night. You become more confident, but its a false confidence, and when your drinking you have very little regard for me or for my feelings, or even for your own feelings. Last night you weren't that drunk, you have been more drunk... but do you remember that guy talking to you?, he was complementing your top, looks etc... and you smiled politely and said "Thanks", whats that all about?, do you not know that all men have a hidden agenda, do you not remember that the last time we were hurt you had been out drinking and dancing with men... have you not learnt that you maybe shouldn't do it anymore.
You seem to enjoy yourself when your out, but you forget about me... last night i was scared of that guy, i found him creepy but you still danced with him, you didn't listen to me... well maybe now you will remember that i am still a little scared of strange people.
today i have been thinking lots and i am feeling really sad right now, not just because of last night, just lots of things together i guess are bothering me... so for now Dawn i need you to be here for me because i am feeling really emotionally wobbily.
Reading that makes me wanna reach inside and hug and hold her, of course i can't really do that but i need to give her some me time, and maybe realsie that she is right.
I always push myself out of my realms of comfort, in terms of going out and drinking, i am not sure why i do that other than to maybe being sociable and maybe trying to live a normal life.
I had realised that my inner child wasn't feeling great today, i have had a real unsettled feeling in me and maybe now i have found the cause of that.
Thanks for letting me share
Posted 29 October 2005 - 11:52 PM
I was so overwhelmed by this, but since I've felt keenly aware of her, and she's even connected intimately with the inner child in others. I do care about her and I understand her significance in my life...I hope one day she doesn't hurt so much and can know that I am strong enough to keep her safe, and that she can move on.
I haven't really written a letter. She comes and goes with stress. Its so strange b/c sometimes when I am having for example, Social anxiety, I can hear myself inside my head in a mother way, "Now Jennifer Lynn you are going to school, work, grocery store, etc." and sometimes I can just hear her say, "I don't want to!!!!"
I don't talk much about her b/c I feel pretty alone in this....although I know that isn't the case....Its just a very vulnerable/sensitive topic!
Posted 31 October 2005 - 06:18 AM
I just wanted to say, thanks for your posts. I know how hard all this stuff is, so thanks for sharing the thread with us. This place is like a fragile, beautiful chrysalis.
Posted 31 October 2005 - 06:32 AM
It's raining today, and it's been a hard day so far, hasn't it? The bus broke down and made us late to see Hilary and you feel very sad I know.
I just wanted to tell you about something. When we were on our way home, I saw you...
Do you remember all those years ago, dancing among the fountains in that funny little square? Do you remember Rachel was there and we danced together, and apart, through the fountains and round the little paths. It was raining then too, but we didn't care, we danced all the same. We had sticks and we danced with the sticks and we danced with each other and we danced on our own. And there were lots of lovely old ladies sitting in the shelter of the veranda around the square, and they watched us dance and they smiled. And when they smiled we smiled, because we were happy and we were dancing.
Well little one, I saw you there today. I saw you among the fountains. But you were on your own. Rachel wasn't there, and there were no old ladies either. And you weren't dancing. You looked very sad. You were just standing in the fountains with the rain coming down all over you.
And do you know what happened? I started to cry, on the bus, in front of everyone. I was crying for you, because you are so hurt and lost and lonely and sad, but you were once so beautiful and innocent and full of wonder. And as I cried I thought of lots of things. I thought of you playing your first cello, and how it was too big for you, but you would play it nonetheless because that is the person you are. And I thought of your smile, your beautiful smile and your barley hair.
And then something else happened. I felt warm. I felt the Goddess in me wrap her arms around me and that made me want to cry even more because I don't think you know what that feels like.
So I wanted to tell you, that I'm watching you in the fountains, just like the old ladies did. And if you look up at the veranda you will see me.