Anyway, today I had an argument with my husband because he accused me of lying (about something quite small) and was adamant that I was lying with no room for anything else. Not only that but he said that he was annoyed that he couldn't ask me something (where I may or may not lie...) without me flipping out if I was accused of lying... he said he should be able to ask me without me reacting like I do. Anyhow, that said, I tried to remain calm (despite seething inside about it knowing there was no way of vindicating myself) and I came upstairs to distract myself. I ended up sobbing so much I nearly made myself sick. He seemed surprised and asked me why I was so upset. I couldn't answer properly and just said that I felt like exploding but couldn't. He went out into town for something and I began the diary writing process which didn't go so well, managed a few lines but was sobbing too hard to carry on. Then I spiralled down into crazy thoughts of how to end it all. I returned to the screen to write some goodbye notes. My younger sister always comes first so I wrote the following:
'I want you to know that I love you more than anything in the world and I am so sorry I couldn’t protect you. This may sound odd but when you told me what had happened to you, I was so relieved that I wasn’t imagining things. Imagining what had happened to me but also what was going on with you. I am so sorry I couldn’t tell anyone. They wouldn’t have believed me and I was afraid of it getting worse.'
That was as far as I got and it just hit me why the hell I was so upset and angry over my husband not believing me about something quite small. It also hit me that I am not over this and I never will be...hence I have joined this forum. I've never done anything like this before. I am 27yrs old and had cognitive behavioural therapy for a couple years which ended in 2007. I was abused by my dad throughout my childhood up until I was an adult and left home at 19. I have also had other things happen to me outside of home. (I swear I have a neon sign above my head that attracts these people).
So on that note, here I am and that's why I am here writing this. Maybe it was the inner child in me that was so angry with my husband over something that was not big enough to justify how I reacted. Who knows. But I now understand why I can't bare anyone calling me a liar - when I am not lying!!
I'm glad you shared this. welcome to the forum. I hope you find all the support you need here. and welcome to your inner child too.