I'm new to the forum but glad to have found you.
I think I need some friendship and support, and I would like to offer the same.
Some things I've never talked about with anyone, and I guess I'd like to share them before I reach the end of my life here on earth.
I changed when I was in the fifth grade. I just changed. I changed the night my stepfather molested me while calling me by my mother's name. I can still remember to this day how I felt, what I thought. I remember my terror, my paralysis. I remember wanting to run, to hide, to scream, to tell someone........but I had no one to tell. My mother worked nights, and she was not the kind of mother you could ever go to with any problem. She would have been the last person I would've told.
I begged to go back to my own bed. I guess I thought I'd be "safe" there. But he wouldn't allow me to. So, as he fell asleep, snoring, within about 3 minutes, I laid in bed awake, all night, terrified, sweating, afraid to move one single, solitary muscle for fear that he would wake up and do it all, again.
I remember lying there all night, with silent, hot tears running out of the sides of both eyes, and dripping down my cheeks onto the pillow. I remember the fear. The gutwrenching nausea and fear. And the feeling of being trapped.
From that moment on, I was never the same. I changed. Everything about me and everything about the world changed that night. In that very moment. In the time it took for him to molest me, I became another person.
So, many years have come and gone. I still have a hurting little girl inside of me. Actually, she's pretty terrified of the world, still, and it's been decades.
I would not wish on any boy or girl (or man or woman) the type of pain and suffering that comes from being betrayed and molested and abused. I am so sorry that you know that pain. And I am sorry that I have lived with it my entire life.
I hope that I at least can be of some support to you, and you to me. I feel so sad, sometimes. I still cry, sometimes. I don't think I will ever truly get over all of the abuse.
But that one night remains so crisp, so clear, so vivid, in my memories. It's as if I lived it only yesterday.
Thanks for listening.