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I Am New Here And I Don't Want To Offend.


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#1 MeganShort

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Posted 18 February 2014 - 01:38 PM

I'm not sure what to say. I don't want my presence on this site to offend anyone. I'm not sure if most people would consider what happened to me to be serious, to warrent me being called a victim or me seeking help, all I know is how it ended up affecting me and how it continues to do so. So I guess here it goes.

 

My parents seperated when I was very young and my dad moved to Georgia. Even though I was able to see him one month out of the year, there was a void. I looked to the other males in my life to fill that "father void" and there was one man in particular that I looked to. He was my best friends father and i used to go over and hang with her and spend the night almost all the time.

 

I was 10 or 11 and we had just got back from swimming at a hotel pool. My friend went in and he stopped me to ask if he could talk to me later that night and that he would give me $5 to just talk. At that age you think that to get paid just to listen to an adult talk is pretty cool, and I didn't think anything about it. He woke me up at 1:15 a.m. He was doing laundry. At first he sat on th other couch that was across from the one I was laying on. The only light on was the one in the bathroom. I remember he rambled. I don't remember the whole conversation, only bits and pieces, but I remember him talking about the contraversy surrounding the catholic church about the priests molesting little boys.

 

Something that you need to understand is up until this point I had never been scared of anything. I was a very tough and strong willed little girl and I had believed that nothing bad could happen to me because of how strong I was. That belief was almost a mantra for me. As I sat on the couch listening to him ramble on, I was terrified. He moved and sat by my feet and continued to talk. The gist of his ramblings was that he wanted to give me money in return for me allowing him to touch me. He left me alone to think about it while he switched the laundry and got the $5 he promised me. The voices in my head were talking all at once.

 

To clearify this so you don't think I'm completely crazy, ever since I was very young whenever I would get in trouble I would tell my mom that the monkeys in my head made me do it. This sounds silly and childish, but it is true. They were my way of dealing with things when I was younger and up until that night I hadn't needed them, but as the reality of what he was wanting sank in they came to my aid in full force. They helped me to be strong when he came back in for my answer.

 

When I told him no he seemed fine with my answer. He asked me if I wanted something to drink and I said yes. As I waited I thought that I would never be able to get back to sleep, but surprisingly I did after he brought me a glass of water. As far as I can remember that is all that happened, but there is a part of me that questions if it was. I told very few people about what happened and I made them swear not to tell anyone because of two things: 1) I didn't want my best friends life ruined and 2) I didn't want people thinking I was weak.

 

Two years passed before what had happened came to light. Another girl who I thought was my friend, and who was one of the people I had told, said that the same thing happened to her, except he offered to pay her more and gave her more money to talk. Other than that every detail was almost exactly the same. I had to talk to the police and a notice from DHS was sent to my parents. The letter wasn't very specific so when my mom and step-dad read it they thought that charges had been filed against them. I was bawling when I told my mom the truth because I thought she was going to be mad at me. During the trial and even afterwards, my mom kept asking me if I wanted to see a professional. I wish now that I had.

 

I started dressing and acting like a boy, wearing dark and baggy clothes, started playing male dominated sports (wrestling mainly), and eventually started cutting myself. I never cut deep enough to bleed real bad, just enough to break the skin, but it was enough to scar it over. If you were to run your hands over my forearms you would be able to tell the difference. I didn't think anything was wrong with me. I acted like the comments about me being a lesbian and the mean jokes didn't bother me. At home I started hiding anything that could be used as a weapon in my room, convinced my parents to buy me pocket knives and stuff, and would dissappear for hours at a time.

 

At the time I hadn't realised that I had become paranoid, among other things. It is embarassing to say, but I started looking at everything in a sexual manner. I started having the thought process that every man I came across wanted to have sex with me or rape me. Even now those thoughts pop into my mind. I find it strange because as far as I know, no contact was ever made.

 

I am getting better though. My fiance and I have been together almost 4 years now and we have two beautiful boys. I've stopped trying to hide my figure, and have even started wearing make-up (although I'm not very good at it). I am still paranoid, I carry multiple knives in my bag and on my person and have gotten my permit to carry, but I'm working on it. I am in college now and I am taking criminal justice classes, the most recent one is a juvenile delinquency class which I am doing a report in on the psycological effects of sex related crimes on adolescent and pre-adolescents and how it has affected them into adulthood. I chose this topic because of my personal experience with it.

 

I want to know if there are people out there that have had similar reactions to their victimization as what I have. I have become more open about what happened to me in the sense that I am able to talk more openly about it with those who are close to me. This is the first time that I have come out to complete strangers about it. This is my first step into true healing and to be honest it scares me.



#2 somerandomguy1985

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Posted 18 February 2014 - 02:53 PM

Lots of people here have gone through similar experiences.  It sounds like you're unsure if anything more serious happened to you which you may have blocked out.  Memory problems are extremely common with abuse.  I have them and it's a constant struggle.  As far as becoming paranoid and/or withdrawn as you describe, this is also extremely common in young people after abuse of any kind.  

 

I would recommend talking to a licensed therapist or counselor.  I think if you are able to talk openly with a professional about what happened, it may give you some feeling of control over this memory so that it does not control you.  Secondly, for the purposes of your report a good therapist's viewpoint could be valuable information, so you might actually walk away with two positive outcomes.



#3 Nightwhisp

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Posted 18 February 2014 - 03:07 PM

You are the judge of what happened. That's what my therapist tells me. In agree, if you feel like its affecting and has then seek out a professional. And just to be clear you don't offend me at all by posting here

#4 lucyinthesky

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Posted 18 February 2014 - 03:09 PM

A lot of people are unsure or unclear about what happened to them. But you're definitely welcome here and hopefully you'll find support while you sort through your emotions about it. :aswelcomesu:



#5 FormerlyMariam

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Posted 18 February 2014 - 03:27 PM

I am very sorry for what that man did and how it affected you. 

Whether or not there you have repressed further memories, what happened to you was definitely serious and no one will be offended by your presence here! You are welcomed.

 

You will find other people here who can relate to your story, and even more who can relate to the ways in which it affected you. I also wore shapeless baggy clothes, self-injured, avoided anything that would be seen as feminine, and read sexual overtones into all interactions with men.

I'm very glad to hear you are in a loving relationship, pursuing interests, and opening up about what happened. 

Welcome to AS!

 



#6 angelic

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Posted 18 February 2014 - 04:42 PM

Hello MeganShort

 

welcome to After Silence, can I just first say that you are not offending anyone by signing up here, you have every right to be here. My name is Paula, one of the newbie support team here, please let me know if you have any issues with the board and I will do my best to help

wishing you luck on your healing journey,

take care, Paula



#7 MeganShort

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Posted 18 February 2014 - 06:14 PM

You are the judge of what happened. That's what my therapist tells me. In agree, if you feel like its affecting and has then seek out a professional. And just to be clear you don't offend me at all by posting here

I'm not sure what you mean by "You are the judge of what happened." What does that mean exactly?



#8 MeganShort

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Posted 18 February 2014 - 06:20 PM

I want to thank all of you. It is hard, and just a bit scary, for me to ask for help or even just advice. I wasn't sure what to expect by signing up here. I know some people get offended when someone who hasn't been through an event that is as traumatic as what they have gone through tries to become part of their group. I'm glad I'm not running into anything like that here. I look forward to learning and growing from my experience here. Thank you.



#9 Nightwhisp

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Posted 18 February 2014 - 11:02 PM

Morgan short
I am sorry I confused you, I just meant that abuse of any kind is just as bad as the next. If you feel like it was bad enough to have bothered you, then its valid. And that's all that's matters. So I hioe that clears it up, I am dreadfully bad at explaining things so I'm sorry

#10 MeganShort

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Posted 27 February 2014 - 03:06 PM

Morgan short
I am sorry I confused you, I just meant that abuse of any kind is just as bad as the next. If you feel like it was bad enough to have bothered you, then its valid. And that's all that's matters. So I hioe that clears it up, I am dreadfully bad at explaining things so I'm sorry

Thank you and don't be sorry. Sometimes I over or under think things and end up confusing myself :)



#11 NorskyCourtney

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Posted 27 February 2014 - 03:59 PM

Hey MeganShort,

 

Welcome here! I'm disgusted that your friend's father used that, exchange for money for exchange for touching? He's a very gross man. Whether there are repressed memories beyond that or not, one who isn't inside your skin cannot give you a direct answer for that. If there are repressed memories, I believe that it would only show up to you when your mind was ready for it, whether that was 10 years down the road, or 10 days down the road. That being said, what he said and offered you, definitely would have been traumatic for a young mind. 

 

I had a similar-ish situation, when I was 14. I was walking down a back alley with a whole lot of ice cream (mmm, ice cream), and an older man in his 40s-50s was in that back alley. He was leering, made a few remarks, of which I didn't hear what he was saying, which was good, I just kept walking ahead. Then I understood one thing he said, as he stopped in his tracks and leered at me more, so I ran as fast as I could. I looked behind me, and he wasn't there, thank goodness for that. I got onto the school bus, didn't tell anyone, and shakily ate my ice cream. I began to act out a little bit after that happened, sought approval and sexual online relationships. After dealing with that creepy man, other creepy men after that, and the online relationships, led me to believe that every interaction with a man has a sexual undertone, I totally hear what you're saying when you say that. There sadly had been abuse in my life that occurred between 19-21, but with that set aside, that encounter alone with that creepy man in the back alley was enough to shake me up; and yours is very understandable, because this is a man you had trusted, mine was just a stranger.

 

Your story is "no less" or "no more" than anyone else's on After Silence, we all deal with, or have dealt with, forms of sexual abuse whether that be verbal harassment, abuse, assault, whatever it may be, and we understand the emotional repercussions of said events; your repercussions speak to that of a young girl who was hurt, traumatized, confused; we get that here, and welcome you with open arms as you process this further. And, you're right, healing is a scary thing, but in my experience, it's been such an amazing experience thus far. It will empower you more to be a greater woman than what you already are, you'll be dynamite ;)



#12 MeganShort

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Posted 27 February 2014 - 04:17 PM

Hey MeganShort,

 

Welcome here! I'm disgusted that your friend's father used that, exchange for money for exchange for touching? He's a very gross man. Whether there are repressed memories beyond that or not, one who isn't inside your skin cannot give you a direct answer for that. If there are repressed memories, I believe that it would only show up to you when your mind was ready for it, whether that was 10 years down the road, or 10 days down the road. That being said, what he said and offered you, definitely would have been traumatic for a young mind. 

 

I had a similar-ish situation, when I was 14. I was walking down a back alley with a whole lot of ice cream (mmm, ice cream), and an older man in his 40s-50s was in that back alley. He was leering, made a few remarks, of which I didn't hear what he was saying, which was good, I just kept walking ahead. Then I understood one thing he said, as he stopped in his tracks and leered at me more, so I ran as fast as I could. I looked behind me, and he wasn't there, thank goodness for that. I got onto the school bus, didn't tell anyone, and shakily ate my ice cream. I began to act out a little bit after that happened, sought approval and sexual online relationships. After dealing with that creepy man, other creepy men after that, and the online relationships, led me to believe that every interaction with a man has a sexual undertone, I totally hear what you're saying when you say that. There sadly had been abuse in my life that occurred between 19-21, but with that set aside, that encounter alone with that creepy man in the back alley was enough to shake me up; and yours is very understandable, because this is a man you had trusted, mine was just a stranger.

 

Your story is "no less" or "no more" than anyone else's on After Silence, we all deal with, or have dealt with, forms of sexual abuse whether that be verbal harassment, abuse, assault, whatever it may be, and we understand the emotional repercussions of said events; your repercussions speak to that of a young girl who was hurt, traumatized, confused; we get that here, and welcome you with open arms as you process this further. And, you're right, healing is a scary thing, but in my experience, it's been such an amazing experience thus far. It will empower you more to be a greater woman than what you already are, you'll be dynamite ;)

Thank you for sharing that. What you said about approval and sexual online relationships I can relate to. I didn't have an actual romantic relationship with anyone until my junior year of high school. I lied to myself about it, telling myself I was in a wonderful relationship even though he cheated on multiple times. Twice while I was at basic training. After breaking up with him I went through what I call my "sl*t phase". I would sleep with almost anyone who was willing, which in itselfs is very dangerous as everyone knows, but I also have to say I am happy I went through that phase. I ended up meeting my fiance and now we have two beautiful boys. I am still fighting my demons and I find my thoughts straying back to that disturbing train of thought where every male encounter I have has sexual undertones, but I'm staying strong and pushing through the dark times. I'm doing better than others and I hope that I am able to help those people who are struggling.



#13 Nightwhisp

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Posted 27 February 2014 - 04:34 PM

Its OK, I'm glad you're not offended

#14 ~FOUND~

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Posted 07 March 2014 - 07:38 AM

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you are finding your way around the boards ok.

Found



#15 drowningnotwaving

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Posted 07 March 2014 - 03:20 PM

Welcome  :hi: