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Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.

Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.

After Silence has over 30 different forums, ranging from topics created to discuss specific areas of healing and recovery from rape and sexual violence, as well as forums open to general discussions and lighter topics. Because we value the privacy of our members, most of our forums are private, which means that ONLY REGISTERED members have access to them. Please register for a free account to gain full access to the After Silence Online Support Group.

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Newbie...looking To Take Back My Life.


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13 replies to this topic

#1 pdls06

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Posted 12 January 2014 - 07:32 PM

Hello everyone,

 

My name is Lauren. I was raped by a coworker several years ago and have been suffering in silence for most of that time. I had thought of him as a mentor and friend, but he betrayed my trust. I have been working with a psychologist for a few months and finally got up the courage to tell her some of what happened. I'm really struggling with talking about the incident because of all the emotions and anxiety that come back to my mind. She said "it's probably going to get worse before it's get better." I know I need to stop denying what happened so I can get better. But, I do blame myself for putting myself in a vulnerable situation. I would appreciate support and suggestions for dealing with the emotions and how to move forward.



#2 lexi825

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Posted 12 January 2014 - 07:38 PM

Hi.  I am in the same process you are - I'm sorry you have reason to be here.  It was not your fault.  There is no situation you could have been in that would have made it your fault.  I hope the psychologist helps you take back your life!



#3 pdls06

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Posted 12 January 2014 - 07:48 PM

Thanks Lexi. I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. Hopefully we can both connect with some people and take back our lives. I like the quote you have by your door.



#4 richlocal592

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Posted 12 January 2014 - 08:04 PM

this is rich iwas raped by a man when iwas 7 in the Bronx I remained silent and sick for over 40 years  I tried to forget about it  I became a drunk at age 12 iam now sober over 12 years iam 56 I broke the silence I got extra help ibeen in 12 step groups for my alcoholism it wasn't enough I found a meeting for survivors I began to face the pain I felt dirty inside most of my life I thought iwas a coward I couldn't make him stop I never seen him again ialso sufferedmany years of violent beating from my drunk father he was the reason  I never said anything iwas afraid he kill me he beat hedge clippers through my head when iwas 10 I forgave all my abusers around 12 years ago my father is dead since 1979 hewas56  hisdrinking killed him iam getting better slowly I have a divine mother father God who is love  iam very grateful that I have faced my pain and iam getting better I bless you with peace love and harmony I told my story so I could get better iwas on fox google Bronx street kid take care iam new here and just reaching out



#5 kassie

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Posted 12 January 2014 - 09:17 PM

Hi Lauren,

 

I'm going through this too, and I don't have any particularly good advice, but just want to say that I hear you.

 

I struggle with a lot of self blame as well, even though I know intellectually that what happened wasn't my fault. One thing that I've found is that when I hear someone else's story, I immediately know that it wasn't their fault. For instance, in your case, I would tell you that, whether or not you "put yourself in a vulnerable situation," it was your coworker who took advantage of that vulnerability. If you'd been in the same situation with a halfway decent human being, you wouldn't have been raped.

 

When I think about my own experience, the same general sort of logic applies, but I still hold on to so much culpability. I find it a lot easier to have compassion for anyone that's not myself - funny how that works, but seems to be the case for a lot of people. So maybe think about what you would say if someone else told you your own story. I have my response written down on a piece of paper, and I carry it around with me in my purse, and whenever I'm feeling really down on myself, I read it. I'm not at the point yet where it feels emotionally true, but it does help a bit.

 

As for the general emotional well up from therapy, it's so incredibly hard to deal with. Every week, I have to talk myself into going, because I know how miserable I'm going to feel afterwards. Something I've started doing is, before I go, figuring out what I'm going to do afterwards, so that I have something to look forward to. Sometimes it's a TV show that I've downloaded, sometimes I go to yoga, sometimes I call a friend (who doesn't know anything about this and can serve as a good distraction). It doesn't always work, but it can help me refocus so that I'm doing something that's not 100% related to being a rape survivor. Helps me feel as though my life can be about something else as well.

 

Kassie


Edited by kassie, 13 January 2014 - 02:38 PM.


#6 Sandycheeks

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Posted 12 January 2014 - 09:24 PM

Hello, Im new here. I too feel the guilt, I was abducted when I was 6, The thing I try to do is tell myself everyday, it is not my fault. It seems to help some I'm starting to believe it. Anytime you start to feel the guilt try to say that, make it a habit so it seeps into the subconscious. You can pm me if you want to.



#7 pdls06

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Posted 12 January 2014 - 09:52 PM

Thanks Kassie,

 

Thank you so much for you advice. I like your suggestion of thinking of it as someone else. I too am much more compassionate for others than myself. 

 

I agree, therapy is a major struggle right now. My doc actually told me, "if you are feeling like you want to run away and not come back, please tell me." I only told her about what happened just over a week ago and was anxious for days. Couldn't fall asleep. Had so many thoughts running in my head. I have shoved everything down for so long, I had forgotten so many details of what happened and they were all swimming up to the surface.

 

I will definitely try to planning something I enjoy doing prior to my next session. I kinda avoided talking about it this past Friday when I saw her again. Couldn't handle the emotions two weeks in a row... But, I know it's gonna come up this week and I am going to have to talk about it. I know I need to deal with it if I am ever going to get past this and have a healthy relationship again.

 

Again, thank you Kassie for your advice.



#8 SilentVictim

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Posted 13 January 2014 - 08:39 AM

Hi Lauren,

I know just what you mean about feeling guilty. My counselor tells me I have no reason to feel guilty, but I do. I go to a therapist and see has told me I have no reason to feel guilty, but I do. It is so much easier to believe what you are feeling than to believe what someone tells you.

#9 NorskyCourtney

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Posted 13 January 2014 - 10:32 AM

Hey Lauren,

 

I'm very sorry for the reasons you have to be here - I totally understand, too, your emotions of guilt for placing yourself in a vulnerable situation. I, too, had that same scenario and it took me awhile to forgive myself for it. That being said, it wasn't your fault you were raped by your coworker. If you had been in a vulnerable situation with people who were decent people, and who genuinely cared about your well-being, this wouldn't have happened. For instance; I was blacking out drunk when I was gang raped at a "friend's" house party. I went to Las Vegas with female cousins a few years afterwards, we were out dancing and partying one night, and I was approaching passing-out drunk. They held me up as we were walking towards our cab, counting steps as we were walking up and down stairs; they got me dressed in my PJ's, helped me brush my teeth, and one cousin gave me a sweet little kiss on the cheek as I was mumbling incoherent sentences before falling asleep in my bed. The point to this, too, is that you trusted your coworker and were in a vulnerable state, and shame on him for breaking that trust. Whether you were vulnerable or not, doesn't make it your fault. I'm sure you'll come to a point soon too, where you'll say, "Wow - it is all his fault; what a disgusting human being." That is a wonderful state to come to, and as much as people can and may repeat that to you, it'll just be a huge weight off your shoulders once you believe it in your heart. I've reached that place, so I know it exists. I trust that you'll come to that place, too.

 

Best wishes as you continue forward, and if you ever need a support or someone to speak to, you may PM me.



#10 angelic

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Posted 13 January 2014 - 05:49 PM

Hello Lauren

 

welcome to After Silence, I'm Paula, one of the newbie support team here. I hope you are doing okay and finding your way around the board okay. I'm here to help if you have any questions about the board, I will do my best to help if I can or put you in touch with someone who can

 

good to have you with us,.

take care, Paula



#11 tina619

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Posted 15 January 2014 - 11:41 AM

Well weclome to AS PDLS You come here well help Take you life back fast We are here to help.



#12 pdls06

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Posted 15 January 2014 - 04:59 PM

Thanks Tina for your support. I am sorry for what brings you here as well. Hopefully we can all help each other!


Edited by pdls06, 15 January 2014 - 05:01 PM.


#13 tina619

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Posted 17 January 2014 - 06:57 PM

Thanks You Pdls06 AS help me so much I happy help thow this like most other membears here.



#14 ~FOUND~

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 04:46 PM

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Found