Hi all. I'm not exactly a newbie but i haven't been here i think since 2010. I have been seriously trying to get my life back on track over the last few years. I am no longer drinking alcohol or taking meds. I am still self harming but only occasionally when things get tough and the voices inside my head are still there everyday but i am now able to silence them sometimes. I still want to run away most days but i no longer want to kill me off. I haven't spoken to my father (my abuser) for a while now and i am finally starting to be able to relate intimately with my husband and feel that sex with him is actually an ok experience. We have just celebrated our 23rd Wedding anniversary and i am now finally able to stay present most of the time during sex. I have begun to claim back what my father took away from our relationship, the feeling that sex is ok and can be an enjoyable experience and that i deserve to be loved. It should have been there right from the beginning of our 28 year relationship but it never was and i will carry the guilt of that forever. It has been a very long hard journey with many ups and downs and even with 5 1/2 years of therapy i'm still not done. I was abused by my father and both paternal and maternal grandfathers from my 4th birthday until i was in my mid 30's but never spoke about it until i was 41 (i'm nearly 46 now) so i have a lot of years to claim back but i am doing it.There is still a long way to go before i can be truly happy in my own life but i am slowly getting there. I honestly never thought i would actually get here and i very nearly didn't on a few occasions but i count my blessings that i have a husband that never gave up on me even though i told him to many times, a son that loves crazy me and a caring therapist who believed my story because i was told nobody would.
We all of us deserve to be loved in the right way. Take care beautiful people.