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Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.

Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.

After Silence has over 30 different forums, ranging from topics created to discuss specific areas of healing and recovery from rape and sexual violence, as well as forums open to general discussions and lighter topics. Because we value the privacy of our members, most of our forums are private, which means that ONLY REGISTERED members have access to them. Please register for a free account to gain full access to the After Silence Online Support Group.

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New And Scared

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13 replies to this topic

#1 Jixero22

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 07:18 PM

I have always dealt with depression and anxiety but 2 years ago I started to have flashbacks and haven't stopped. I am remembering details of my dad raping my starting at 7, until I moved out at 17. I've been looking at this site for a week now but not sure how to start. No one in my family
knows and I have effectively cut myself off from everyone else. I can't have a job, sleep without nightmares or go outside without being coerced. I do have a wonderful husband, but he has no clue how to help and I don't know how he can either. Very alone feeling.

#2 jubiii

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 09:27 PM

I was first raped at 18 when my father put me in the army.  First a military Police chased me all over the car and I kept jumping out where the wild dogs were in Alabama which scared him so he stopped and took me back to my company. 

Then I was out first day in Basic Training where we could go to the PX store and café and a man stole my keys and wouldn't give them back until I got into the taxi w/ everybody else.  So I got into the taxi and the driver took all of us to his apt. house and talked me into going into his bedroom where he violently raped me.   In The Gadda De Veda was playing real loud on the record player and he was high on acid and no one could hear me scream and he threatened to hit me if I didn't shut up..  I walked out of the apartment when he was done crying and devastated and this guy I had been talking to walked back to the army base with me.  I believed I was a virgin and that it was now my fault and was worthless then as I couldn't remember any of my molests from 1 to 12.  Three days later I ate 75 asprins and was unconscious in the hospital for 3 days.  Before I passed out I prayed God would let me live and I did.  I never told my doctor what happened I was so ashamed.  I lost all sexuall boundries after that and started doing every drug and all alcohol I could get my hands on after that.  I've been raped 10 times by men and woman. I'm 61.   Celabate for 5 years now and alone. Just started therapy.

#3 Jixero22

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 01:03 AM

Nice to meet you Jubiii. It sounds like what you went through was a horrifying experience. I wish I could help more...sadly I am a new fish out of water here myself. All I can say is that you are not alone in your pain, I hope you can find the will to stay strong and survive.

#4 reglois



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Posted 06 November 2013 - 10:04 AM

(((Jixero)))   (((((Jubiii)))


:sor: you both have to be here.  :notalone:  :youcanheal:  :aswelcomesu:  :bighug:  if OK     Jubiii  :comfort:   from another  *oldie* :laugh3:

#5 angelic


    Gra, Gaire agus Sonas

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 12:13 PM

Hello Jixero,

welcome to |After Silence. My name is Paula and I am one of the newbie support team here. If you need any help with the board, please let me know.,

take care, Paula

#6 silentg

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 12:39 PM

Hi Jixero,

It must be very frightening and confusing to be having all of these symptoms and memories coming back.

There are lots of resources on this site, and there are books like the Courage to Heal which might be helpful for you to read as you try to make sense of your experiences.

I don't know how much research you've already done, but it sounds like you are having some strong PTSD symptoms, and you might want to read a bit about that if you haven't already.

I know that some people benefit a lot from EMDR therapy for flashbacks and nightmares, and there are a few discussion threads on here about both PTSD and EMDR. 

I hope you find some support here, sorry for all you've been through. It wasn't your fault!

take care, G

#7 littlepixie1597


    Pixie (formerly Awreckwithmakeup)

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 02:56 PM

Hello I just wanted to say that if any of you need someone to talk to I am always here also I am sorry that you have all been through these experiences.

#8 SMarieD

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Posted 09 November 2013 - 10:53 PM

I am also new and trying to sort through my emotions for the first time since my abuse as a child ended many years ago. Also trying to navigate the site and figure out how things work.

#9 jubiii

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Posted 12 November 2013 - 02:00 AM

Hi Jixero22,  I didn't realize I wrote on the site new


and sacred, but I wanted to suggest you and your hubby reading Reach for the Rainbow By Lynne Finney as ir will answer the many questions you must have and number 40 will tell you what you need and how your husband can helr you and your friends.  It will help you to navigate as she to is a survivor who was a top lawer and became a therapist to have a more fulfilling live.  Its has directed me into the perfect therapy for me and she wrote much on picking a therapist.  It was college reading and an ex boyfriend brought it into my home from a college class he took once. He was a life time student.


It was an answer to prayer. It talks about flashbacks and I am so sorry you are suffering so but you must be ready to face these painful things or they wouldn't be coming out now.  Probably because you have a safe loving enviiroment with your husband.   You can do this honey.  Prayer always helps me and you can go to God anytime ,anyway and he always loves you and understands and never judges you and weeps with you.   God will heal you and direct your path if you ask him .  He is not mean bossy or controlling and in him is no darkness.  I think God gets blamed for a lot of terrible things but terrible things come from the devil and not from our creator. He loves you.   Jesus cares.


I am new here to and I think its just like getting a cell phone and you just keep punching things until it works .  You do have to remember to sign in to be able to talk. I just realized that.   I wish you well on your journey to wholeness and you will make it.   Nothing bad that happened was your fault.  You deserverved loved and were a presious gift to your parents.  Maybe like my parents they were to ill to realize it.  I care. Write anytime and Ill try to respond but I can't tell you how to do that. They are very loving here,  So don't give up. Love ya Jubiii.  I wrote under introductions too,

#10 gloryrokkaa

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Posted 15 November 2013 - 03:46 PM

Hello Jixero, I am new as well. So sorry for what you went through. *hug* if u want


#11 Jixero22

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Posted 21 November 2013 - 03:26 PM

Thanks everyone, I so appreciate the words.  I have lots of questions, but I guess that everyone does.  Just trying to do my best to get through this.  Thanks again for all the support.

#12 AWolf74075



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Posted 22 November 2013 - 01:25 AM

Here you will never be alone Jixero, I haven't been a member for very long, but I have been suffering from recurring nightmares of rape, and re-surfacing memories of molestation and abuse. Here someone will understand. Sorry you need to be here, but welcome.

#13 jubiii

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Posted 25 November 2013 - 09:38 AM

I haven't been here long and was doing pretty good but I had a breakdown this week.  I have 2 friends and neither of them are in recovery with me and I desperately  need the support of a therapist to read some journaling to and they were both so non understanding and I sure couldn't read it to them.  No. I have to pay a 100 dollars to say it like it is as it seems so hard just ti find someone who will just listen and be there.  So here I am to talk.


I have believed in God for many years and had a total breakdown in my faith this week as something real bad happened.  I received some mail from my auto ins and didn't open it until the next day after I rear ended a woman coming home from court where I am facing  DUI charges.  I was having a pariniod delusion months back and thought my dog was suffering so I took him to the vet.  Ive never been skitzophrinic in my life and my x had just died who was skitzophrinic.  The vet called the police and they thought I was drunk and high which I wasn't. 


I got home only to be informed my my insurance co. that I had been canceled and opened my mail and there was my refund.

I am so  angry at myself for not opening my mail as I was happier this month than I have been in years and my life just blew up in my face and of course I felt that God had abandoned me..  I haven't been this scared in so long and I believe I sabatoged my newfound happiness.  Now I can be sued by the woman I hit and I will have to pay for her damage and medical bills who already had a bad back.  I am overwhelmed and trying to forgive myself.  Going to see ,y therapist about my God issues and to try to face what I really think about God due to multiple years of molest growing up.

I was raped by my pastor in 83 and my life when downhill from there after having a very close relationship with God and lots of joy.

I feel this pastor stole the  only love joy and happiness I had ever known in my life as I blamed myself for what happened and began to drink and use again.  So much to face. So lost. Thanks for listening. Jubiii

#14 ~FOUND~


    Anna is found by God!!! Anna loves Jesus!

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 09:33 PM