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Please Read, In Desperate Need Of Help!

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#1 InNeedOfAdvice

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 02:46 AM

Hi all, thanks for reading and in advance for any advice. The story I'm about to tell is the most horrific story I've ever heard and it absolutely breaks my heart! I've been dating a young lady that I met online for about 4 months now. She is quite a bit younger than me which I wasn't to sure about in the beginning. She lives about 2 1/2 hours away from me in a town of about 8000. I knew early on that she had a rough relationship that she had gotten out of about 9 months before we met. About a week ago she began to tell me this story. She was getting ready for senior prom and her boyfriend at the time was to old to accompany her to the prom. Apparently a few weeks later this "boyfriend" got angry at her for not responding to his text messages all day while she was at school. She went to see him right after school on a Friday. Apparently when she got there he was enraged. She said that he had a spoon and a cotton ball and a needle. She had no clue what he was doing and had never seen anything like that before. He started to rough her up and telling her if she was gonna act like a w**re he was gonna treat her like one. He apparently knocked her unconscious. When she woke up she found herself locked in the basement where the fight had began. A few hours later the "bf" came back with two of his "friends" (one of them she knew). The two other guys apparently began holding her down and held a knife to her chest. One of them pulled her bottoms off while the other cut her shirt of. She fought a lil until they cut her chest and punched her in the face. They took turns while the "bf" watched. Apparently this went on all weekend off and on while she ate and drank nothing. The "bf" called in to her school on Monday acting as her father. Apparently she convinced them that she had to go to school or people would start looking for her. She said that she made it through the whole day until her auto body class with her most trusted and favorite teacher. The teacher asked her what was wrong and she broke down. I guess he took her out of the class room and asked her if she had been raped. She told him yes and he called the police. I guess she couldn't bring herself to speak of the ordeal or was to scared of what might happen to her, I don't know for sure, and i'm not sure she does either. I guess she hid out at a friends house for a few weeks. One day the"bf" came to her friends house and told her he was leaving with his daughter and she was going to go with him. He started packing her stuff and putting it in the truck. I can't for the life of me reason why she went, and she can't really either except for the little girl. He first took her to his hometown in Oklahoma for a week or so. Then for some reason up to a suburb in the mountains of Portland Oregon. This guy had a bad meth problem, I guess he was shooting it up. So I guess when they got to Oregon the "bf" tried to tell her she was gonna sleep with this guy so that he("the bf") could get money or drugs or whatever. She told him no i'm not. So apparently they held her down and put a needle in her arm and injected her with what she believes to be meth. By the way she explained it, it sounds like heroin to me. She said it made her unable to move...I guess they held her down while the guy paying for her did his business. Apparently this type of thing happened almost every day for about 6 months. She was beatin and starved and forced to do what she believed to be meth and then forced to go thru withdrawls. All the while she was taking care of this six year old girl and trying to make sure she was exposed to as least of it as possible. Somehow her mom had figured out where she was and called the neighbor of the house she was at, it was a miracle that she called the only house on the block that was not a part of this. The neighbor came and gave her the phone and her mom asked her if she came and got her would she come home. I guess her mom just thought she had ran off with the "bf" because her mom and her had not been on good terms. Anyways she said yes come get me. Little did she know that her mom had drove from Missouri to Oregon and was already 45 minutes away from her. Her mom showed up with the cops and she packed her things and left. I guess she went thru withdraws and was down to 97 lbs. She weighs 140 right now and is in great shape. She has never told any of her family this whole story, all they know about is that she was raped before she went to Oregon, and they really don't even know how bad that was. The only person she has told some of what happened In Oregon to Is her best friend who tried to get her to stay when the "bf" found her initially. I am the only one who has heard the majority of the story. I have so many questions. I am so confused. Why did she go with a guy who had her raped? Why wouldn't she run to the nearest neighbors in Oregon after it happened the first time and call the cops? Why didn't she just kill this sick fuck? Why didn't she steal some money and get a bus ticket? Why didn't she press charges when It happened the very first time? Why would you ever talk to someone that did that to you let alone leave the state with them? OMG!!!! I get so angry I just want to find this guy and cut his di*k and balls off and stick a hot Iron where they used to be just so I can keep him alive enough to torture him more. I want the names of all the people that have raped her from him. I want to starve him to the point that he wants to eat his on di*k and balls. And then on to the next one. She says she thinks it was the same 5-10 ppl over and over again, anally and vaginaly. I'm so discusted!!! How are these people not in prison or dead by death penalty? Why won't she do something now? I really like her but I don't know if it's just the protector in me or if she is actually the girl for me. She hides her pain very well and is very upbeat and positive. She is getting ready to go to boot camp for the marines in 18 days. She is so sweet and classy. She doesn't do any drugs and claims that she never did any drugs voluntarily except weed. She doesn't even curse, she says it's not lady like. Why did she tell me this horrific story? How can I help her? How can I get her to press charges? GOD HELP ME!!!!!!!!



#2 Girlkat

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 03:27 AM

Survivors can have low self esteem afterwards and do things that may seem strange to others. No one really understands until they go through it.

 

What happened with the police the first time? If she told them everything, the men would be locked up. You don't necessarily have to press charges, if it is violent enough it would be out of her hands. Much like you don't have to press charges for murder, the state takes care of that. But, if she didn't talk the first time, then I could see why she didn't. And I don't blame her for not talking. They sound violent and I would be personally fearful as to when they'd be up for parole or their term is up.

 

Please understand that survivors have fear. You feel anger because you're removed from the situation, but she was obviously terrified at the time. Try not to question her past actions, because that is not helpful to her healing.


Edited by Girlkat, 30 October 2013 - 03:27 AM.


#3 vakry

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 03:29 AM

The only way you can help her is just be there for her and listen to her. That's it. You cannot make her press charges. That is something she has to decide on her own. It's easy for someone on the outside to pick away at the story and wonder why she didn't do various things that someone on the outside would think a "normal" person should do. In all honesty... people react to trauma in a whole different way than they would logically think they would when the scenario is just a theory rather than reality. People freeze up during trauma. Sexual violence is very personal and people worry about judgement or worse not being believed. Some feel they don't deserve to be treated better or do not know there are better ways to be treated. Survivors contrary to what it seems... are very intelligent. We know that if we tell our story that it would be picked apart and judged. And most the questions she will not know the answers to and has and will beat herself up for it. I do the same thing with my trauma. I relive it and keep saying... if only I did something different or trusted my instincts or sometimes I go even farther with it and think I'm a disgrace and pathetic for reacting the way I did but reality... is that I reacted the only way I could given the circumstances. And it's NOT wrong. It might not be logical to an outsider or even a secondary. But it is the only way I could. It was the only way she could. I survived. She survived! She lived through it. She will forever be marked by this. It changed her. However, it does not have to be for the worst. She just need to find healthy ways to deal with her trauma and the emotions and triggers and everything it comes with it. It is a battle she will wage on her own, but that doesn't mean she's alone. Supporting her is the best thing you can do. Just always be there and always be someone she can trust and it will help her tremendously. Trust is not easy for survivors. It is a sacred gift. Cherish that you are one she considers worth trusting. I wish you the best and hope you understand.



#4 reglois

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 06:45 AM

No-one that has not undergone something like this can ever understand our reactions, I can't even understand my own.  Any one with any sense would have left, reported, got away, anything but what I did which was to stay to be r*ped, beaten, humiliated, tortured, abused over and over and over again for 42 years.  I felt no one will believe it was that bad because I stayed and initially it was to protect *his* little boy, I knew I couldn't leave and take him with me, later I didn't seem to be able to/want to leave, don't know why.

 

Support her, don't question, trust is a precious thing, we have very very little as a rule.


Edited by reglois, 30 October 2013 - 06:47 AM.


#5 InNeedOfAdvice

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 11:56 AM

The only way you can help her is just be there for her and listen to her. That's it. You cannot make her press charges. That is something she has to decide on her own. It's easy for someone on the outside to pick away at the story and wonder why she didn't do various things that someone on the outside would think a "normal" person should do. In all honesty... people react to trauma in a whole different way than they would logically think they would when the scenario is just a theory rather than reality. People freeze up during trauma. Sexual violence is very personal and people worry about judgement or worse not being believed. Some feel they don't deserve to be treated better or do not know there are better ways to be treated. Survivors contrary to what it seems... are very intelligent. We know that if we tell our story that it would be picked apart and judged. And most the questions she will not know the answers to and has and will beat herself up for it. I do the same thing with my trauma. I relive it and keep saying... if only I did something different or trusted my instincts or sometimes I go even farther with it and think I'm a disgrace and pathetic for reacting the way I did but reality... is that I reacted the only way I could given the circumstances. And it's NOT wrong. It might not be logical to an outsider or even a secondary. But it is the only way I could. It was the only way she could. I survived. She survived! She lived through it. She will forever be marked by this. It changed her. However, it does not have to be for the worst. She just need to find healthy ways to deal with her trauma and the emotions and triggers and everything it comes with it. It is a battle she will wage on her own, but that doesn't mean she's alone. Supporting her is the best thing you can do. Just always be there and always be someone she can trust and it will help her tremendously. Trust is not easy for survivors. It is a sacred gift. Cherish that you are one she considers worth trusting. I wish you the best and hope you understand.

Thank you so much for reading and your advice! I'm afraid I have already tarnished the trust a lil bit. I got really angry as she was telling me this via Skype message. After we hung up I was enraged and in tears and couldn't sleep. I paced outside for like two hours teeth clenched along with my fists and almost every other muscle. I cursed at god and was so mad that he could let this happen to such a beautiful young woman. I found my self fantasizing about revenge. I just got back from visiting her this weekend. I told her everything I just told here. She felt really bad for making me so upset. This is not the first time I have been involved with someone that has been assaulted. My ex-gf was assaulted when we were at a party together. I felt the same way then. Anyways I have kind of diagnosed her myself from research I've done and she seems to be in the third stage of recovery. I have discussed this with her previously as well as prayed with her and just listened. This weekend while I was visiting her she made a comment or two about her ex "bf" and Oregon. I got angry again, not in front of her initially. I went outside to smoke. She eventually came out and we had a lil talk. I told her that he was not her boyfriend! (stupid right?) and she explained that to seem normal she had to call him that, which I could understatnd. I asked her to not use the word "bf" when talking about things with me. Is this wrong on my behalf? I also asked her to try and stop mentioning Oregon. I also told her that I want her to be able to talk to me about it, but to just give me a heads up so that I can get in the right mind state? Is all this okay? what do I do? Forgot to mention the next evening we got to talking about it some more and I showed her this site. I really hope she seeks some counseling as she feels no need to at this point.



#6 InNeedOfAdvice

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 12:00 PM

No-one that has not undergone something like this can ever understand our reactions, I can't even understand my own.  Any one with any sense would have left, reported, got away, anything but what I did which was to stay to be r*ped, beaten, humiliated, tortured, abused over and over and over again for 42 years.  I felt no one will believe it was that bad because I stayed and initially it was to protect *his* little boy, I knew I couldn't leave and take him with me, later I didn't seem to be able to/want to leave, don't know why.

 

Support her, don't question, trust is a precious thing, we have very very little as a rule.

Thank you so much for reading and your advice! I'm afraid I have already tarnished the trust a lil bit. I got really angry as she was telling me this via Skype message. After we hung up I was enraged and in tears and couldn't sleep. I paced outside for like two hours teeth clenched along with my fists and almost every other muscle. I cursed at god and was so mad that he could let this happen to such a beautiful young woman. I found my self fantasizing about revenge. I just got back from visiting her this weekend. I told her everything I just told here. She felt really bad for making me so upset. This is not the first time I have been involved with someone that has been assaulted. My ex-gf was assaulted when we were at a party together. I felt the same way then. Anyways I have kind of diagnosed her myself from research I've done and she seems to be in the third stage of recovery. I have discussed this with her previously as well as prayed with her and just listened. This weekend while I was visiting her she made a comment or two about her ex "bf" and Oregon. I got angry again, not in front of her initially. I went outside to smoke. She eventually came out and we had a lil talk. I told her that he was not her boyfriend! (stupid right?) and she explained that to seem normal she had to call him that, which I could understatnd. I asked her to not use the word "bf" when talking about things with me. Is this wrong on my behalf? I also asked her to try and stop mentioning Oregon. I also told her that I want her to be able to talk to me about it, but to just give me a heads up so that I can get in the right mind state? Is all this okay? what do I do? Forgot to mention the next evening we got to talking about it some more and I showed her this site. I really hope she seeks some counseling as she feels no need to at this point.




                                                                                                                            



#7 janepp

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 12:52 PM

I was R two years ago, I reported, he went to jail. I drank heavily for 18 months trying to deal with it all which then led to another situation where I might of been R again. This time I walked away, didn't report. It was too much. too over-whelming, I was still going through counselling to deal with what happened two years ago. Maybe this is the same for the girl your dating, maybe its too hard and raw to deal with right now. There's no right or wrong way to deal with things like this. It sounds like your girlfriend is doing the best she can right now. I'm so sorry for what she went through

 

Janepp



#8 InNeedOfAdvice

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 02:20 PM

I was R two years ago, I reported, he went to jail. I drank heavily for 18 months trying to deal with it all which then led to another situation where I might of been R again. This time I walked away, didn't report. It was too much. too over-whelming, I was still going through counselling to deal with what happened two years ago. Maybe this is the same for the girl your dating, maybe its too hard and raw to deal with right now. There's no right or wrong way to deal with things like this. It sounds like your girlfriend is doing the best she can right now. I'm so sorry for what she went through

 

Janepp

Thanks for the support! I'm sorry for what u have gone thru. You seem like a strong person. So glad you had the courage to report! Way to go! My girlfriend does crossfit and boxing says it keeps her busy, maybe you would like to try something like that instead of drinking...Good luck to you, i'll say a prayer. ;)



#9 janepp

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 02:46 PM

I was R two years ago, I reported, he went to jail. I drank heavily for 18 months trying to deal with it all which then led to another situation where I might of been R again. This time I walked away, didn't report. It was too much. too over-whelming, I was still going through counselling to deal with what happened two years ago. Maybe this is the same for the girl your dating, maybe its too hard and raw to deal with right now. There's no right or wrong way to deal with things like this. It sounds like your girlfriend is doing the best she can right now. I'm so sorry for what she went through

 

Janepp

Thanks for the support! I'm sorry for what u have gone thru. You seem like a strong person. So glad you had the courage to report! Way to go! My girlfriend does crossfit and boxing says it keeps her busy, maybe you would like to try something like that instead of drinking...Good luck to you, i'll say a prayer. ;)

Iv stopped drinking, I stopped 7 months ago after that second incident. I work out, keep busy. your girlfriend sounds like a strong person and sounds like she is coping brilliantly good luck also

 

Janepp



#10 vakry

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 03:44 PM

The only way you can help her is just be there for her and listen to her. That's it. You cannot make her press charges. That is something she has to decide on her own. It's easy for someone on the outside to pick away at the story and wonder why she didn't do various things that someone on the outside would think a "normal" person should do. In all honesty... people react to trauma in a whole different way than they would logically think they would when the scenario is just a theory rather than reality. People freeze up during trauma. Sexual violence is very personal and people worry about judgement or worse not being believed. Some feel they don't deserve to be treated better or do not know there are better ways to be treated. Survivors contrary to what it seems... are very intelligent. We know that if we tell our story that it would be picked apart and judged. And most the questions she will not know the answers to and has and will beat herself up for it. I do the same thing with my trauma. I relive it and keep saying... if only I did something different or trusted my instincts or sometimes I go even farther with it and think I'm a disgrace and pathetic for reacting the way I did but reality... is that I reacted the only way I could given the circumstances. And it's NOT wrong. It might not be logical to an outsider or even a secondary. But it is the only way I could. It was the only way she could. I survived. She survived! She lived through it. She will forever be marked by this. It changed her. However, it does not have to be for the worst. She just need to find healthy ways to deal with her trauma and the emotions and triggers and everything it comes with it. It is a battle she will wage on her own, but that doesn't mean she's alone. Supporting her is the best thing you can do. Just always be there and always be someone she can trust and it will help her tremendously. Trust is not easy for survivors. It is a sacred gift. Cherish that you are one she considers worth trusting. I wish you the best and hope you understand.

Thank you so much for reading and your advice! I'm afraid I have already tarnished the trust a lil bit. I got really angry as she was telling me this via Skype message. After we hung up I was enraged and in tears and couldn't sleep. I paced outside for like two hours teeth clenched along with my fists and almost every other muscle. I cursed at god and was so mad that he could let this happen to such a beautiful young woman. I found my self fantasizing about revenge. I just got back from visiting her this weekend. I told her everything I just told here. She felt really bad for making me so upset. This is not the first time I have been involved with someone that has been assaulted. My ex-gf was assaulted when we were at a party together. I felt the same way then. Anyways I have kind of diagnosed her myself from research I've done and she seems to be in the third stage of recovery. I have discussed this with her previously as well as prayed with her and just listened. This weekend while I was visiting her she made a comment or two about her ex "bf" and Oregon. I got angry again, not in front of her initially. I went outside to smoke. She eventually came out and we had a lil talk. I told her that he was not her boyfriend! (stupid right?) and she explained that to seem normal she had to call him that, which I could understatnd. I asked her to not use the word "bf" when talking about things with me. Is this wrong on my behalf? I also asked her to try and stop mentioning Oregon. I also told her that I want her to be able to talk to me about it, but to just give me a heads up so that I can get in the right mind state? Is all this okay? what do I do? Forgot to mention the next evening we got to talking about it some more and I showed her this site. I really hope she seeks some counseling as she feels no need to at this point.

 

 

It's okay to not want the assailant to be called boyfriend. I wouldn't press the issue though. I would rather not call my abuser my uncle, but... I will not say his name. Thank God it's so uncommon and old fashioned and stupid that I have not met anyone with that name. I'm incredibly biased I'm sure it would be a fine name if that psychopath didn't have it. My point being there needs to be some frame of reference that she's comfortable with. Right now she sees him as an ex-bf. It is a process to recognize that it was abuse and not a relationship. She was brainwashed and isolated from other people and if you can't trust people closest to you... well you cannot trust people who are strangers. That is the nature of the beast. I imagine her assailant was much like my uncle in several ways. That he was controlling and manipulative as well as highly charismatic. I loved my uncle. He is actually a likable guy. He won my affection the same exact way anyone else could. I trusted him with stuff I couldn't with my dad. We created a relationship. I do not remember when or how the abuse started so that's a mystery and one I honestly do not want the full scope of, but I do know he crossed the line. I do know he treated me like a secret lover. His "special boy." So, it did become toxic and abusive. I wasn't okay with it, but who could I tell? Everyone loved my uncle. I'm pretty certain he told me no one would believe me. He'd want me over a lot. He made me care about my cousins. If I didn't go over there I'd never see my cousins he had them isolated literally and in a way isolated me... only less literally. Eventually I did go home. He'd have my cousins call me and then he'd talk to me. He'd drop by my house with them. He'd seek me out at family functions. So even when he couldn't abuse me sexually he was still preying on me mentally and emotionally. I didn't have a lot of friends and the ones I did I wanted them away from my uncle and not know the sick stuff going on. My uncle made it seem like it was my fault. I imagine it works pretty similarly. That her assailant made her believe things that weren't true and isolated her or something to make her stay and believe she couldn't get free. He made her addicted to drugs which makes her dependent on him. It's a process realizing how wrong it was and that is was actually abuse. Lucky me... (not really) my memories were locked up so it's not something I had to deal with until recently.

 

It's perfectly reasonable to want a heads up, but what about something that triggers a memory or bad feeling/ thought from that time? That is random and happens any where. I'll be out with friends laughing and carrying on and someone will make a joke or gesture or hug me just a little too long for my comfort and bam my uncle is in my head again even though I haven't seen him in well over a decade! This will cause panic, nausea, difficulty breathing, and a long list of possible physical symptoms as well as emotional seemingly out of no where. It's harder when it's unexpected. Right now talking about my uncle I'm emotionally collected  because I'm in control. Random thoughts and memories not brought on for a purpose... I tend to lose it real quick. It's something I think that is a real possibility and you should be prepared for. You both are going to have to navigate things.



#11 InNeedOfAdvice

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 06:00 PM

 

The only way you can help her is just be there for her and listen to her. That's it. You cannot make her press charges. That is something she has to decide on her own. It's easy for someone on the outside to pick away at the story and wonder why she didn't do various things that someone on the outside would think a "normal" person should do. In all honesty... people react to trauma in a whole different way than they would logically think they would when the scenario is just a theory rather than reality. People freeze up during trauma. Sexual violence is very personal and people worry about judgement or worse not being believed. Some feel they don't deserve to be treated better or do not know there are better ways to be treated. Survivors contrary to what it seems... are very intelligent. We know that if we tell our story that it would be picked apart and judged. And most the questions she will not know the answers to and has and will beat herself up for it. I do the same thing with my trauma. I relive it and keep saying... if only I did something different or trusted my instincts or sometimes I go even farther with it and think I'm a disgrace and pathetic for reacting the way I did but reality... is that I reacted the only way I could given the circumstances. And it's NOT wrong. It might not be logical to an outsider or even a secondary. But it is the only way I could. It was the only way she could. I survived. She survived! She lived through it. She will forever be marked by this. It changed her. However, it does not have to be for the worst. She just need to find healthy ways to deal with her trauma and the emotions and triggers and everything it comes with it. It is a battle she will wage on her own, but that doesn't mean she's alone. Supporting her is the best thing you can do. Just always be there and always be someone she can trust and it will help her tremendously. Trust is not easy for survivors. It is a sacred gift. Cherish that you are one she considers worth trusting. I wish you the best and hope you understand.

Thank you so much for reading and your advice! I'm afraid I have already tarnished the trust a lil bit. I got really angry as she was telling me this via Skype message. After we hung up I was enraged and in tears and couldn't sleep. I paced outside for like two hours teeth clenched along with my fists and almost every other muscle. I cursed at god and was so mad that he could let this happen to such a beautiful young woman. I found my self fantasizing about revenge. I just got back from visiting her this weekend. I told her everything I just told here. She felt really bad for making me so upset. This is not the first time I have been involved with someone that has been assaulted. My ex-gf was assaulted when we were at a party together. I felt the same way then. Anyways I have kind of diagnosed her myself from research I've done and she seems to be in the third stage of recovery. I have discussed this with her previously as well as prayed with her and just listened. This weekend while I was visiting her she made a comment or two about her ex "bf" and Oregon. I got angry again, not in front of her initially. I went outside to smoke. She eventually came out and we had a lil talk. I told her that he was not her boyfriend! (stupid right?) and she explained that to seem normal she had to call him that, which I could understatnd. I asked her to not use the word "bf" when talking about things with me. Is this wrong on my behalf? I also asked her to try and stop mentioning Oregon. I also told her that I want her to be able to talk to me about it, but to just give me a heads up so that I can get in the right mind state? Is all this okay? what do I do? Forgot to mention the next evening we got to talking about it some more and I showed her this site. I really hope she seeks some counseling as she feels no need to at this point.

 

 

It's okay to not want the assailant to be called boyfriend. I wouldn't press the issue though. I would rather not call my abuser my uncle, but... I will not say his name. Thank God it's so uncommon and old fashioned and stupid that I have not met anyone with that name. I'm incredibly biased I'm sure it would be a fine name if that psychopath didn't have it. My point being there needs to be some frame of reference that she's comfortable with. Right now she sees him as an ex-bf. It is a process to recognize that it was abuse and not a relationship. She was brainwashed and isolated from other people and if you can't trust people closest to you... well you cannot trust people who are strangers. That is the nature of the beast. I imagine her assailant was much like my uncle in several ways. That he was controlling and manipulative as well as highly charismatic. I loved my uncle. He is actually a likable guy. He won my affection the same exact way anyone else could. I trusted him with stuff I couldn't with my dad. We created a relationship. I do not remember when or how the abuse started so that's a mystery and one I honestly do not want the full scope of, but I do know he crossed the line. I do know he treated me like a secret lover. His "special boy." So, it did become toxic and abusive. I wasn't okay with it, but who could I tell? Everyone loved my uncle. I'm pretty certain he told me no one would believe me. He'd want me over a lot. He made me care about my cousins. If I didn't go over there I'd never see my cousins he had them isolated literally and in a way isolated me... only less literally. Eventually I did go home. He'd have my cousins call me and then he'd talk to me. He'd drop by my house with them. He'd seek me out at family functions. So even when he couldn't abuse me sexually he was still preying on me mentally and emotionally. I didn't have a lot of friends and the ones I did I wanted them away from my uncle and not know the sick stuff going on. My uncle made it seem like it was my fault. I imagine it works pretty similarly. That her assailant made her believe things that weren't true and isolated her or something to make her stay and believe she couldn't get free. He made her addicted to drugs which makes her dependent on him. It's a process realizing how wrong it was and that is was actually abuse. Lucky me... (not really) my memories were locked up so it's not something I had to deal with until recently.

 

It's perfectly reasonable to want a heads up, but what about something that triggers a memory or bad feeling/ thought from that time? That is random and happens any where. I'll be out with friends laughing and carrying on and someone will make a joke or gesture or hug me just a little too long for my comfort and bam my uncle is in my head again even though I haven't seen him in well over a decade! This will cause panic, nausea, difficulty breathing, and a long list of possible physical symptoms as well as emotional seemingly out of no where. It's harder when it's unexpected. Right now talking about my uncle I'm emotionally collected  because I'm in control. Random thoughts and memories not brought on for a purpose... I tend to lose it real quick. It's something I think that is a real possibility and you should be prepared for. You both are going to have to navigate things.

Good to know that I'm not in totally in the wrong for her not to call him her "bf". I think she only does it to hide the fact of what happened to her around her friends and family. She would much rather them think that she was just young and stupid and in a bad relationship. She says that she does have flashbacks that are horrible and she feels like she is back in the place it happened. How can she or I help that? We went a little more in depth and detailed in her abuse this past weekend and I noticed that she was breathing very raspily. I think that might have been a panic attack...Then the next day we were at her friends house watching Special Victims Unit. I could tell she was upset b/c she buried her head in my chest and pretended to take a nap. I motioned to her friend to change the channel. What kind of things help to reduce triggers or flashbacks or what is the best way to deal with them from her standpoint and mine to help her? It's confusing to me as to why she brings the "bf" up at all. Or why she would even want to mention the word Oregon. It triggers me and I didn't even know her when all this happened. It instantly gets me thinking about this sick fuck, and enrages me to want to do unspeakable things to him. Thanks again for all your help! You have no idea how much I need help with this.



#12 vakry

vakry

    I'm not crazy my mother had me tested ~Shelly Cooper TBBT

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 07:24 PM

I think I have an idea. And weirdly... you're kind of making me see myself differently so you are in a way helping me without really trying. I do thank you for that. Triggers happen. The best way I deal with mind is try to stay present. Think that I am here now and I am safe. A lot of therapist say to count, but counting doesn't occupy my mind because it's automatic. I know how to count too well so it doesn't work for me. So I try naming as many as the 50 states it takes to calm my emotions and think more rationally. You or she can use anything that is more appropriate or fitting. Countries, presidents, counting back ward, counting in a language you don't know fluently, or something that requires thought and concentration. That helps me. And when something becomes automatic try something else like naming the states in alphabetical order. It's not supposed to be correct or anything. The idea is just to get mind off of what is triggering and to get calm. Another way to deal with things is if the trigger is a word or color or smell or something that reoccurs is to try to re-associate it with something more positive. Example: teal bothered me for a long time. I'm still unsure why, but it triggers bad feelings and dark thoughts. Guess what there is a teal support ribbon. teal is a color of stones and jewelry that my mom happens to love. And look at my signature. I'm doing everything I can to make it more positive. I have friend with teal tattoos that are really cool. I look for positive associations and it's helped tremendously with it. It will work for reoccurring triggers it just takes time and practice and a lot of patience. But it is possible. Right now you're still in shock and there are stages of emotions you need to go through. Anger is a very valid and normal part of that. It's okay to be angry, just apply it to somewhere healthy. My favorite is a dart board and pretend it's their eye. I don't know why but needles in someone's eye sounds really bad... worse than stepping on a lego. I imagine that too. Them stepping on a lego. It's mean, but bully they suck and deserve a lego stab on bare feet. It makes me happy thinking of these things. It's healthy as it's just a wood board that gets the needles. And I won't creep people out with pictures on it. That would be far too triggering for me at the moment. But if that works .. go for it. Just don't show anyone and I won't tell. lol ;)



#13 failuretodiagnose

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 08:16 PM

Hello! 

 

I am a transgender woman living in Los Angeles.  I am 47 yrs old, and a software engineer and jazz drummer. 

 

I have evidence showing that my groin was injected with embalming fluid by a Thai sex change surgeon in 2009, and that the medical establishment in these United States of America have done nothing but sweep the issue under the rug.  I also have been abandoned by my own family and friends, who simply don't want to be involved with such an unprecedented case of hateful malpractice, as well as the unusual position of supporting a transgendered person who's transition was apparently rejected by a top sex change surgeon.

 

So ask you, where do I go for help?  What do I need to do to get people to address the issue I'm facing?  Why and how is our medical system in this country so corrupt as to let a productive member of society just fall off the edge of the earth, as well as let a doctor continue to do this to other patients that unsuspectingly go to him for treatment?

 

The following entities have either rejected me, or completely ignored this eggregious medical malpractice case:

 

--The American Embassy in Thailand

--The Thailand Medical Council

--The ACLU

--The Transgender Legal Defense Fund

--Lambda Legal

--And every hospital, doctor, and social support service I have visited over the last 4 yrs

 

When is enough going to be enough?  What are these entities for if they can't intercede such heinous acts?  Aren't I the victim here?  Why do I have to be made to feel the perpetrator?  It's my fault right?  I had no right to seek medical care outside the United States, right?  And I deserve to die for bringing such an unprecedented medical case back to the United States?  It's that simple, right?  Just as simple as the EMT who says his religeous beliefs prevented him from giving life-saving CPR to a dying gay man, right?

 

When is enough enough?

 

Sincerely,

 

Stephanie



#14 failuretodiagnose

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Posted 31 October 2013 - 02:15 AM

Hello! 

 

I am a transgender woman living in Los Angeles.  I am 47 yrs old, and a software engineer and jazz drummer. 

 

I have evidence showing that my groin was injected with embalming fluid by a Thai sex change surgeon in 2009, and that the medical establishment in these United States of America have done nothing but sweep the issue under the rug.  I also have been abandoned by my own family and friends, who simply don't want to be involved with such an unprecedented case of hateful malpractice, as well as the unusual position of supporting a transgendered person who's transition was apparently rejected by a top sex change surgeon.

 

So ask you, where do I go for help?  What do I need to do to get people to address the issue I'm facing?  Why and how is our medical system in this country so corrupt as to let a productive member of society just fall off the edge of the earth, as well as let a doctor continue to do this to other patients that unsuspectingly go to him for treatment?

 

The following entities have either rejected me, or completely ignored this eggregious medical malpractice case:

 

--The American Embassy in Thailand

--The Thailand Medical Council

--The ACLU

--The Transgender Legal Defense Fund

--Lambda Legal

--And every hospital, doctor, and social support service I have visited over the last 4 yrs

 

When is enough going to be enough?  What are these entities for if they can't intercede such heinous acts?  Aren't I the victim here?  Why do I have to be made to feel the perpetrator?  It's my fault right?  I had no right to seek medical care outside the United States, right?  And I deserve to die for bringing such an unprecedented medical case back to the United States?  It's that simple, right?  Just as simple as the EMT who says his religeous beliefs prevented him from giving life-saving CPR to a dying gay man, right?

 

When is enough enough?

 

Sincerely,

 

Stephanie Grow

 

I just realized I posted on someone else's thread.  Sorry.  It was my first post as a new member here, and it was intended to be a sort of introduction to me and my current issues.

 

To the OP, I feel your pain.  Someone you care about has been hurt, but there doesn't seem to be any... shall we say "accountability" for it.  You weren't there, and she won't talk about it.  Give it time.  I would even suggest as others here have, get her to a therapist.  I was sexually abused by my brother as a young boy.  Out of fear I kept it to myself until I got out of the house 20 yrs later.  I went to a therapist and she held my hand as we walked through the experience and how I inappropriately felt the guilt from it.  The only caution I would throw out there is the therapist will ask who hurt her (at least mine did).  Maybe others can chime in.  I ended up telling my therapist and she said it was the law for them to ask that, and they were required to check up on my brother at his residence if there were any children living there.  My brother had two kids.  I pleaded for him not to be contacted.  I never followed up with her on that though.

 

Kindest regards,

 

Stephanie



#15 survivor2016

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Posted 04 November 2013 - 12:15 PM

 

 

The only way you can help her is just be there for her and listen to her. That's it. You cannot make her press charges. That is something she has to decide on her own. It's easy for someone on the outside to pick away at the story and wonder why she didn't do various things that someone on the outside would think a "normal" person should do. In all honesty... people react to trauma in a whole different way than they would logically think they would when the scenario is just a theory rather than reality. People freeze up during trauma. Sexual violence is very personal and people worry about judgement or worse not being believed. Some feel they don't deserve to be treated better or do not know there are better ways to be treated. Survivors contrary to what it seems... are very intelligent. We know that if we tell our story that it would be picked apart and judged. And most the questions she will not know the answers to and has and will beat herself up for it. I do the same thing with my trauma. I relive it and keep saying... if only I did something different or trusted my instincts or sometimes I go even farther with it and think I'm a disgrace and pathetic for reacting the way I did but reality... is that I reacted the only way I could given the circumstances. And it's NOT wrong. It might not be logical to an outsider or even a secondary. But it is the only way I could. It was the only way she could. I survived. She survived! She lived through it. She will forever be marked by this. It changed her. However, it does not have to be for the worst. She just need to find healthy ways to deal with her trauma and the emotions and triggers and everything it comes with it. It is a battle she will wage on her own, but that doesn't mean she's alone. Supporting her is the best thing you can do. Just always be there and always be someone she can trust and it will help her tremendously. Trust is not easy for survivors. It is a sacred gift. Cherish that you are one she considers worth trusting. I wish you the best and hope you understand.

Thank you so much for reading and your advice! I'm afraid I have already tarnished the trust a lil bit. I got really angry as she was telling me this via Skype message. After we hung up I was enraged and in tears and couldn't sleep. I paced outside for like two hours teeth clenched along with my fists and almost every other muscle. I cursed at god and was so mad that he could let this happen to such a beautiful young woman. I found my self fantasizing about revenge. I just got back from visiting her this weekend. I told her everything I just told here. She felt really bad for making me so upset. This is not the first time I have been involved with someone that has been assaulted. My ex-gf was assaulted when we were at a party together. I felt the same way then. Anyways I have kind of diagnosed her myself from research I've done and she seems to be in the third stage of recovery. I have discussed this with her previously as well as prayed with her and just listened. This weekend while I was visiting her she made a comment or two about her ex "bf" and Oregon. I got angry again, not in front of her initially. I went outside to smoke. She eventually came out and we had a lil talk. I told her that he was not her boyfriend! (stupid right?) and she explained that to seem normal she had to call him that, which I could understatnd. I asked her to not use the word "bf" when talking about things with me. Is this wrong on my behalf? I also asked her to try and stop mentioning Oregon. I also told her that I want her to be able to talk to me about it, but to just give me a heads up so that I can get in the right mind state? Is all this okay? what do I do? Forgot to mention the next evening we got to talking about it some more and I showed her this site. I really hope she seeks some counseling as she feels no need to at this point.

 

 

It's okay to not want the assailant to be called boyfriend. I wouldn't press the issue though. I would rather not call my abuser my uncle, but... I will not say his name. Thank God it's so uncommon and old fashioned and stupid that I have not met anyone with that name. I'm incredibly biased I'm sure it would be a fine name if that psychopath didn't have it. My point being there needs to be some frame of reference that she's comfortable with. Right now she sees him as an ex-bf. It is a process to recognize that it was abuse and not a relationship. She was brainwashed and isolated from other people and if you can't trust people closest to you... well you cannot trust people who are strangers. That is the nature of the beast. I imagine her assailant was much like my uncle in several ways. That he was controlling and manipulative as well as highly charismatic. I loved my uncle. He is actually a likable guy. He won my affection the same exact way anyone else could. I trusted him with stuff I couldn't with my dad. We created a relationship. I do not remember when or how the abuse started so that's a mystery and one I honestly do not want the full scope of, but I do know he crossed the line. I do know he treated me like a secret lover. His "special boy." So, it did become toxic and abusive. I wasn't okay with it, but who could I tell? Everyone loved my uncle. I'm pretty certain he told me no one would believe me. He'd want me over a lot. He made me care about my cousins. If I didn't go over there I'd never see my cousins he had them isolated literally and in a way isolated me... only less literally. Eventually I did go home. He'd have my cousins call me and then he'd talk to me. He'd drop by my house with them. He'd seek me out at family functions. So even when he couldn't abuse me sexually he was still preying on me mentally and emotionally. I didn't have a lot of friends and the ones I did I wanted them away from my uncle and not know the sick stuff going on. My uncle made it seem like it was my fault. I imagine it works pretty similarly. That her assailant made her believe things that weren't true and isolated her or something to make her stay and believe she couldn't get free. He made her addicted to drugs which makes her dependent on him. It's a process realizing how wrong it was and that is was actually abuse. Lucky me... (not really) my memories were locked up so it's not something I had to deal with until recently.

 

It's perfectly reasonable to want a heads up, but what about something that triggers a memory or bad feeling/ thought from that time? That is random and happens any where. I'll be out with friends laughing and carrying on and someone will make a joke or gesture or hug me just a little too long for my comfort and bam my uncle is in my head again even though I haven't seen him in well over a decade! This will cause panic, nausea, difficulty breathing, and a long list of possible physical symptoms as well as emotional seemingly out of no where. It's harder when it's unexpected. Right now talking about my uncle I'm emotionally collected  because I'm in control. Random thoughts and memories not brought on for a purpose... I tend to lose it real quick. It's something I think that is a real possibility and you should be prepared for. You both are going to have to navigate things.

Good to know that I'm not in totally in the wrong for her not to call him her "bf". I think she only does it to hide the fact of what happened to her around her friends and family. She would much rather them think that she was just young and stupid and in a bad relationship. She says that she does have flashbacks that are horrible and she feels like she is back in the place it happened. How can she or I help that? We went a little more in depth and detailed in her abuse this past weekend and I noticed that she was breathing very raspily. I think that might have been a panic attack...Then the next day we were at her friends house watching Special Victims Unit. I could tell she was upset b/c she buried her head in my chest and pretended to take a nap. I motioned to her friend to change the channel. What kind of things help to reduce triggers or flashbacks or what is the best way to deal with them from her standpoint and mine to help her? It's confusing to me as to why she brings the "bf" up at all. Or why she would even want to mention the word Oregon. It triggers me and I didn't even know her when all this happened. It instantly gets me thinking about this sick fuck, and enrages me to want to do unspeakable things to him. Thanks again for all your help! You have no idea how much I need help with this.

In these situations there is rarely clear right or wrong answers to process and handle it. I'm not a therapist, but it sounds like she's experiencing PTSD, which would be normal-- I also have PTSD from my experience. She told you about these awful things that happened to her because she trusts you and if you two are going to pursue a relationship then it may be helpful for you to know things like when she pretends to be asleep during SVU, it's really her getting upset. One thing I noticed is that you asked her friend to change the channel. Be careful when taking things into your own hands like that. If her friend doesn't know what happened, and she's not actively making it known that she is upset, then you don't want to draw attention to her saddness and inadvertantly tell a story that is hers to tell. That's just my thinking from past experiences. Triggers are tricky. With PTSD there sometimes isn't a trigger, then there are obvious triggers. Yes, the words Oregon and mentioning her ex-boyfriend may seem like they would be obvious triggers, but those are also words that she would say or hear often, which would allow her to numb herself to them; whereas watching a show about rape-- something that isn't discussed on a daily basis-- would potentially trigger memories that she doesn't wish to remember. What you have to remember throughout this process, is that is is a process. There isn't going to be a magical cure for it or something to make everything okay. Your anger towards the guilty is justified and you will need to work through it-- she likely already has and is probably working through getting through the flashbacks, paranoia, and self loathing. No amounts of wanting to cut off his genitals and place an iron there will erase what has happened to her. All you can do at this point is be her rock, her constant. You can be someone she can safely cry to, someone who understands why she doesn't like SVU, and someone who is willing to talk to her even during the weird hours of the night. She needs someone like that. But that's really all you can do. You can mention to her different things like therapy and this group, as long as you don't push her too much and realize in the end it is her decision. Just be there for her, but that doesn't entail making her talk about it 24/7 or relating everything back to the incident. Let her bring it up, unless you are feeling anger about it and need to discuss it right then.