I found your group and am looking for support. I have just ended therapy after 3 years of VERY hard work and some VERY big stumbles. My therapists and I agreed that I was ready but that I need a safety net. I'm hoping this place can be a part of that safety net. Its not the only one. Both my therapists (EMDR and talk) are available on call, I am in a good place with my meds, I have an AMAZING family and a few close friends who help hold me up.
I've dealt with my past in the sense that I can talk about what happened and know (intellectually) how to assign blame correctly. That's not to say I don't slip into negative thought patterns. I still have flashbacks and "floods" of emotions that overwhelm me. But I do know what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it and WHY I'm feeling it. I'm no longer dissociating the majority of the time (I never had 'alters' but I would 'go away' whenever possible into bed, the internet, food, driving aimlessly, etc). I am present. And being present can be exhausting.
The stage I'm in right now is a place where I'm trying to learn how to live. I know that sounds silly but I was on autopilot for so many years...functioning but not optimally. I have yet to hold a professional job for more than 2 years even though I'm very good at what I do (I'm in a little under a year at the current gig and really want to hang in there without feeling trapped and angry). I have yet to keep my house effectively (I am currently at the 2 month mark of keeping it reasonably clean rather than "shoveling it out" 2 times a year when I need to host my children's birthday parties). I'm at the point where I cook for my family 3-4 nights per week. I eat with them 3-4 nights a week. (The previous pattern was a LOT of take out for them and isolation in my room). I can tell my husband what I need and enlist his help (he used to just do his own thing, being out of the house 5-6 nights per week) rather than remain silent and let resentment grow. He's now home most nights and is a FAR more active member of our family. I know he has my back. He knows I want him around. This is a huge improvement.
These are little things but to me they are huge accomplishments. I'm almost 40 years old and I'd like to function more like an adult woman. It is a struggle. It is tiring. I am looking for people to talk to who understand my situation.
Thanks for being here.