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Why Am I Here, Why Do I Still Love Him

child abuse adult victim rape

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6 replies to this topic

#1 alone85

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Posted 16 October 2013 - 03:19 PM

So here goes I dont know why im here I dont mean here as in this site but here still living! I was beaten black and blue by the very person who was supposed to be myprotector my father my earliest memory is him Hitting me for something I had done at the time I didnt know what it was he was hitting me with but I knew it hurt I would later find out it was a belt with a 4 inch metal buckle that he would heat up. This was my childhood my sister was never touched so I must of been a bad kid. I hate him but love him at the same time I mean hes my father and I must of deserved it he beat me so bad one time I was in icu for 6 weeks I was 7 years old sometimes I wish it had killed me to save me the pain of the years to follow but my dad said something that has stuck with me and maybe hes right he told me after I came out of icu that "even god doesnt want me or he would of took me when he had his chance" WHY AM I STILL HERE?? 3 suicide attempts and yet im here still to suffer ALONE. theres no help out there for people like me :( I just wanted to share a few things and that's it thank you for those of you who have took the time to read this post.

#2 reglois

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Posted 16 October 2013 - 05:12 PM

You are worthwhile, you  didn't deserve such cruelty, no-one does, I admit I sometimes played up to get attention, attention was attention good or bad. I know that feeling of not being wanted, loved, my father told me that he didn't want me, I was the wrong sex and his family started with my brother.  He also beat me black and blue, still beat my siblings but not with the split cane he used on me, oh how that cut and really really hurt.

Hope you find what you are looking for here at AS, it really is good to share, you WILL find support here. :friends2:



#3 lostandfoundbox

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Posted 16 October 2013 - 06:28 PM

I've thought the same thing.... I'm not supposed to be alive and God hates me. I try and think that I didn't die because I still hqve something left to do on this planet. Some days I truly believe that, some days I repeat it so other thoughts can't take hold, and sometimes I believe that I am still supposed to be dead. Try and think or tell yourself that you didn't die because there is still something GOOD for you here, or that you can still do good in the world.

Sending hugs if alright.

#4 MarieWednesday

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Posted 16 October 2013 - 09:45 PM

You are amazing. You are here to tell your story and how strong you are. I'm sorry you went through that. 



#5 sjudmajo

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Posted 17 October 2013 - 04:18 PM

HI

 

Sharing see responses below yours

 

 

So here goes I dont know why im here I dont mean here as in this site but here still living! I was beaten black and blue by the very person who was supposed to be myprotector my father my earliest memory is him Hitting me for something I had done at the time I didnt know what it was he was hitting me with but I knew it hurt I would later find out it was a belt with a 4 inch metal buckle that he would heat up. This was my childhood my sister was never touched so I must of been a bad kid. I hate him but love him at the same time I mean hes my father and I must of deserved it he beat me so bad one time I was in icu for 6 weeks I was 7 years old sometimes I wish it had killed me to save me the pain of the years to follow but my dad said something that has stuck with me and maybe hes right he told me after I came out of icu that "even god doesnt want me or he would of took me when he had his chance" WHY AM I STILL HERE?? 3 suicide attempts and yet im here still to suffer ALONE. theres no help out there for people like me :( I just wanted to share a few things and that's it thank you for those of you who have took the time to read this post. 

 

Judith: Do you think your still here because you want to live? His hitting you in anger is wrong dead wrong. He has emotional problems is why he did it. YOu never hit a child anywhere with anything in anger and definitely not to punish. I am sure your sister was like me  in that fear is what kept her from whatever as well as she suffered emotionally and relationally in pain regarding hwat he did even if he didn't touch her. because him abusing you did affect her in directly because he wasn't the father he was supposed to be with all of you. Your birth order who was born first would make a difference as well.  

 

Well it could be fear of dying that would keep you trying to stay alive besides wanitng to be survivor and not letting him win in what he did to you.

 

I feel the feeling of suffering alone. There is help out there the challenge in todays world is finding the right one. I am 46 years old. It is natural to love our bio father and that is how we are wired and it is ok to have mixed feelings. -you didn't deserve it . He was not to handle it that way regardless of what you did. Book title What a Difference A Daddy Makes by Kevin Leman is excellent. on father daughter relationshiops and how he is supposed to behave. that is lie in what he said to you. HE is repeating what he grew up with and he needs to have his head examined. No the thing is your dad said that to excuse his behavior because he knew what he did was wrong and put the blame on you-that is  a narcissitic parent who doesn't want to change.

 

Judith

 

 

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#6 deepgreensandblues

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Posted 19 October 2013 - 11:52 PM

Alone85,

I am so sorry.  You did NOT deserve any of that.  I was abused by my earthly father too.  It sucks.  It is super confusing for a child and f*cks up a lot of stuff.  BUT I am pretty sure that you are still here for a reason, and I am pretty sure that God loves you. ((((((hugs)))))))



#7 ~FOUND~

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    Anna is found by God!!! Anna loves Jesus!

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Posted 08 March 2014 - 09:30 PM

Welcome!





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