I found this website by accident one day, and after some thinking, I decided to join. I joined because I need a place where I can write my story. I've recently realized a particular area of my life (money) that's been affected by my abuse, and it turns out, I'm replaying my abuse on loop through my emotional-financial relationship. Though I imagine this may sound strange or uninteresting to some, I've reached a point where I'm tired of living out this storyline. I've been in recovery for about 5 years and in therapy for most of that. I've recovered well, but I also know recovery is lifelong when you've experienced trauma.
I want to lay my story to rest here, anonymously. It's a heavy story that weighs on me, and though I feel no discomfort in telling my story to others (and I will continue to do so as I am also an advocate for equal rights and teach about abuse and rape culture), I'm weary of the continuous playing...a trigger shows up, and suddenly I'm hearing the whole story, start to finish, playing over in my mind and body. I'm ready to let it go, accept its place in my past, and move from victim to survivor.
I'm also here because I'm tired of my mind constantly doubting the memories I have and whether or not they're true. People lie, but bodies don't, and my body knows the truth. I'm ready to lay to rest the constant back-and-forth of doubt and hesitance I experience when I think about my story - "Did it happen? Was it really that person? If I confronted this person, surely they would deny it. I must be wrong, because the memory in my head is just too gruesome and sick to really happen outside a horror movie." I'm ready to let that go and move forward, accepting my memories and releasing the need to prove any of them within myself.
Thanks for reading! I look forward to engaging in this forum.