Endless Guilt

[opti]

Hi,

This is my first post, albeit depressing topic.

I'm 18 years old now and have recently been facing and dealing with effects of chronic, sadistic sexual abuse by a "friend" from around the ages of 7 to 9.

I saw myself as damaged, permanently unsalvagable goods, so I tried to take my own life a few weeks ago. I continually have flashbacks and remember more and more what happened to me when I was young. While a lot more about me makes sense than it did before, I just feel so shitty for allowing it to happen.

The power differential in the abuse was the fact that he was just a bit older than I was, but he was social and I was extremely shy and autistic, making me an easy target.

There are some things that have been playing on my mind that I just wanted to write out. First, I honestly feel less than my gender, as I was dominated by someone of my own gender. I'm terribly conflicted about my sexuality, and I am just really confused. I also feel so guilty for allowing it to happen. My parents are sort of in shock about it happening, and I think that they sort of are using th wrong language to deal with the situation

When I was talking with my mom, she started to get upset about what happened to me. She doesn't want to blame herself, as it happened all under her roof for years, and she never noticed it. I do not blame her, and I've made that clear.

However, she said something like: "Well, you obviously knew it was wrong when it was happening, as you never told me when it was going on." I just feel so shitty about this whole thing. It took so much stress and so many years to finally divulge this, and she essentially is pinning the blame on me for it. I know that it says everywhere that the victim is not at fault, but I feel like I am here. She was right, and I did feel like it was wrong, and I chose to keep it hidden.

Any thoughts will be appreciated.

[angelic]

Hi opti

welcome to After Silence, I'm Paula, one of the newbie support team here. If you have any questions about the board, please don't hesitate to contact me. I hope you find healing here with us.

take care, Paula

[reglois]

you have to be here if OK

[~FOUND~]

Hugs and support!