Hello...new Here

[soulsofeckos]

hello,

my real name's melanie, and i'm a 30 yr old survivor of sexual and ritual abuse. i have been dealing with this for quite some time now (3 years to be exact). i have previously been to therapy, but at this time i am not.

due to being ritually abused by both sides of my family (mainly my father's side), ummm...i have been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, ptsd, severe clinical depression, and chronic insomnia. ummm....i don't take any meds due to them not working on me, and i try to use meditation and other forms of natural remedies to help out with my depression. also, i don't believe in taking meds due to the serious negative effects that occurs when i do take them.

uhhh...i also currently run my own online support groups for survivors, but sometimes i feel as if i just need another place to go to talk about my problems b/c it is sometimes hard to get others to see where i am coming from, although we are all going through about the same things.

my abuse spans out from before i was even born (within the womb) to about 17 years old. i don't remember a lot of my abuse due to all of the repressed memories that i have, and they come and go in phases. most of my alters or parts of my personality are the ones who talk for me since i am not able to handle them most of the time. there is 15 years of my life that is missing and i wish that i could grasp it but it is very hard and depressing for me. i do know that there are times that they do come to me, but i tend to shake them away b/c i just don't want to deal with them at all.

i am doing my best to recover as best as i know, and i may be seeking therapy again as soon as i can find the time between looking for a job and going to school full-time. i am also trying to better myself by trying to stay as positive as possible and going to school online, but this can be very hard for me at times. i am fearing that my depression is starting to return due to struggling to find work. however, i am looking into owning my own business or working from home as a medical transcriptionist.

also, at age 17, i was raped by 5 guys. although i am mostly over that, it does eat at me at times, especially when i hear about close friends who have been through this as well. and, i have been dealing with the admittance of me having an eating disorder. i tend to starve myself and try not to eat a lot. although i am underweight and i am a small, petite person anyways, i don't want to gain weight b/c i want to stay small and be able to fit into my size 1s and 0s that i have to wear all the time. this is also starting to worry me b/c i have dealt with being called names all my life and having to deal with others and friends wanting to know why i am sooo thin. but, at least, i am admitting it to myself now. i guess.

anyways...i don't know what else to say, except that i am glad that i can come here to talk about my issues and ordeals. for letting me be apart of this group.

soulsofeckos

[canadianmommy2004]

Welcome to AS! I hope you can find this site a place of comfort and healing!

[SheShy]

Hi Melanie

Welcome to AS

Christy

[tealight rookie]

((((((Melanie))))))

I'm sorry you have had to endure so much.

But welcome to AS... you are not alone.

Ruthie

[angelicarit]

Hello Melanie~

Welcome to AS...you will find wonderfully supportive and encouraging people here. You are definitely not alone.

Tira

[Charlene]

(((melanie)))

welcome to the boards :hug:

~charlene~

[linda]

Hi melanie

welcome to AS this is a very supportive site with realy good people to help us out

linda

[Jessie]

welcome to after silence Melanie...hope you find some comfort here Luv Jess xxx

[violets8]

Hi Melanie welcome..............Michelle

[Donna]

Welcome to After Silence Melanie. :hug:

[bonnie]

Hiya, im sorry you have had to go through all this. I hope you find some comfort here.

Take care, bonnie,xxxx

[soulsofeckos]

I just found my way back to this board, and I did in a way forget about it. I have been through so much since I was last on here, but I am dealing with it as best as I can.

I also want to thank you for welcoming me to this group. I know that I am not alone, but with actually knowing what I am going through with my friends outside of my home and the Internet, I am still having a tough time. Most of them don't understand what MPD is, and what I go through when I lose time. A lot of them think that going to a psychiatrist would help me, but they don't know the pain that I am going through. I hear their concerns and everything, but they don't hear mine.

Anyways, just wanted to say hello again, and retouch base that I am still here, just going through some rough times...as usual.

Thanks again for all of the warm welcomes!!!

Melanie

[Soloko]

Hi Melanie,

I am brand new here too. I know what you mean about sometimes neding somewhere new to write how you feel. Somewhere where there are no pre judgements or anythign its all new and you can just be yourself.

Lots of hugs to you. xoxoxoxox

[dodo]

Hi Melanie

And welcome to AS

Karen

[rucksmom]

Hi Melanie,

I can somewhat Identify with what you are going through. While I have never been diagnosed with MPD, my docs in the beginning thought that was what I was going through. I have lost many many long periods of time since I was very young. As I got older (usually when I was drinking) My friends and family would say that at some point my personality would change, I would get up and walk away and to this day no one (myself included) knows where I went or what I did.

I have lived in the same town all my life so I have probably seen everyone at one time or another but people that I did not know would come up to me and call me Cindy. They would tell me that I looked exactly like this Cindy person but I have never seen her. Kinda makes me wonder.

[luv2dance]

((((Melanie))))

Welcome to After Silence! I hope you like it here qand find it helpful.

Jessica