Jump to content
Some browsers are having difficulty with functionality. Please try an alternative browser, if this is happening to you. If you are having connectivity issues beyond this or or need assistance, email us at: aftersilence.moderators@gmail.com! ×
After Silence continuing intermittent maintenance--Click here for latest updates ×

I Am A Victim, Not A Survivor

InOverMyHead

By InOverMyHead,
in Public: Welcome!

Followers 0

Recommended Posts

InOverMyHead

InOverMyHead

Posted
Posted

I am a 21 yr old victim of rape. I know that the politically correct term is survivor, but I can not refer to myself that way because i do not feel that i am. This week is the 5 year anniversary of my attack and i have recently realized that i am more damaged now then I was the day after the attack. because i blacked out during my attack, i do not really remember most of it. It is because of this that I have been able to convince myself that it didnt really happen, that i fought off my attacker. I chose to believe this because i thought that dealin with the idea of almost being raped would be easier then facing the fact that i was raped. i was wrong. I have no agreed to seek counseling, but i am terrified. I have finally gotten my life together and Im scared that it will fall apart again. I also know that I cannot continue to live my life this way. since i was attacked i have not had a decent relationship. all of the guys that i have gotten involved with have been abusive, either physically or emotionally, or have been using me for the sex that i am all too willing to give them. I long to be in a real loving relationship, but I am terrified that I wont find it, so i will offer sex to almost any guy who is willing to pretend they have feelings for me. although my family and close friends know about the attack, i am terrified when it comes to seeking help. before i threw myself into the fire that i know is lying ahead in my journey to becoming a survivor, i felt that i needed to find people who truely understood what i am going through. i would greatly appreciate someone pointing me in the right direction of where to begin my healing process here on the site.

Link to post
NewHope

NewHope

Posted
Posted

I am so sorry that happened to you, honey. I'm sorry you have a reason to come to AS, but I'm so glad that you're here. I hope we can give you all the support you need during your days of healing. We all understand how you feel... you are never alone here.

And yes, you don't feel like a survivor, but the very fact that you're here proves you are one. You're seeking out healing, which takes far more strength than hiding. And it's far more rewarding. You'll get there... and we'll be here to help you.

PM me anytime you need to...

:hug:

BB

Link to post
Broken1

Broken1

Posted
Posted

(((((InOverMyHead)))))

You are going in the right direction...Counseling will be very beneficial on your journey to healing yourself...My thoughts and prayers are with you...Remember to be easy on yourself and know that I am right beside you on this journey...Take care...

Broken1

Link to post
audionectar

audionectar

Posted
Posted

well here on this site is a good place to start your journey. There are others here like you who understand and can support you in things people without that past may not be able to relate to even if they want to. Then I would suggest getting a counselor who specializes in sexual assualt. I went to a lot of therapists in my life and I don't really feel I was helped until I went to someone who specialized in the root of my problems which was rape and sexual abuse. I also often denied that what happened to me was rape to make things easier on myself and I understand what you mean about relationships. No matter how far I get in my journey I have good days and bad and you will too. therapy is not easy and there will be days when you just feel spent but everyday you will get stronger and everyday will get that much easier soon the bad days will come much less often and soon you will be on top of your game again, then it will all be worth it.

:tealribbon::aswelcomesu::notalone:

Link to post
determined 1

determined 1

Posted
Posted

Welcome love, being a survivor doesn't mean your all better, but it means that there is a chance that you will be.

By turning and facing the pain you have become a survivor.

It won't all be easy, but eventually you can heal.

Blessings sister, PM me anytime! :hug:

Link to post
-Nicole-

-Nicole-

Posted
Posted

Welcome to After Silence :flowers:

I certainly didn't feel like a survivor when I joined either. Some like the term because in still being here to tell their story, they have indeed survived. For me there came a time when I truly considered myself a survivor, and After Silence is what allowed me to find that within myself.

It also took me about 4-5 years to start feeling and dealing with what happened. You are certainly not alone. I hope this community can help you as much as it has me and so many others.

Nicole :throb:

Link to post
sssurvivor

sssurvivor

Posted
Posted

Welcome, I am going to have the 14th anniversary of my rape next month and I will tell you the journey has been long and hard, but it is possible to feel like a survivor. For me it depends on the day. I have my life together and I do well in my job, I have a wonderful marriage and two perfect children, but it has been an internal struggle for. As you explore this site you will find that although no one has your exact story we all hold the key to similar components of being raped. You have made a wonderful step in sharing your fear with others. It is when we begin to share with others that the journey truly begins. You are supported here. :hug:

Link to post
faith_inthedarkness

faith_inthedarkness

Posted
Posted

God bless you. :hug: . I think I understand how you feel. I wasn't raped, but I was sexually abused. I pushed it far into the back of my mind. The night I told, I suddenly realized how bad it was. The months following, I've been worse than I ever was when the abuse was happening. It's normal. The pain is part of the healing. You need to sort through all your fears, hurt, shame, and feelings. It's a hard journey, but healing is worth it. I started with accepting that what happened happened. There's nothing I can do now to change that. I had to stop living in the past and start working toward a future that is free of guilt, fear, shame, hurt, and confusing feelings. As you heal, different issues will pop up. You just gotta deal with them when they do. Make sure you deal with them, don't push them back down. I'll be hard. I still cry after all the healing I've gone through. Take your time, don't think you just need to get over it quickly. I've had to analyize and understand what happen and why I feel and act the way I do before I could move on to another issue. Hang in there and God bless you! PM me anytime you need someone to talk to. I love you even though I've never met you. I'm here for you.

Link to post
faith_inthedarkness

faith_inthedarkness

Posted
Posted
God bless you. :hug: . I think I understand how you feel. I wasn't raped, but I was sexually abused. I pushed it far into the back of my mind. The night I told, I suddenly realized how bad it was. The months following, I've been worse than I ever was when the abuse was happening. It's normal. The pain is part of the healing. You need to sort through all your fears, hurt, shame, and feelings. It's a hard journey, but healing is worth it. I started with accepting that what happened happened. There's nothing I can do now to change that. I had to stop living in the past and start working toward a future that is free of guilt, fear, shame, hurt, and confusing feelings. As you heal, different issues will pop up. You just gotta deal with them when they do. Make sure you deal with them, don't push them back down. I'll be hard. I still cry after all the healing I've gone through. Take your time, don't think you just need to get over it quickly. I've had to analyize and understand what happen and why I feel and act the way I do before I could move on to another issue. Hang in there and God bless you! PM me anytime you need someone to talk to. I love you even though I've never met you. I'm here for you.

sorry, I meant: It'll be hard, not I'll be hard. sorry. typo

Link to post
melissa

melissa

Posted
Posted

welcome here! :)

Melissa

Link to post
InOverMyHead

InOverMyHead

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you everyone for all of your kind messages. Now my only problem is that I do not know where to start here on the board. Anyone have any suggestions?

Link to post
NewHope

NewHope

Posted
Posted

Well, just browse around the posts and reply when you feel comfortable. After you post 25 times, you can join us in the chat room, too. You'll feel more comfortable in time.

And if you ever want to talk privately, you can pm me!

:hug:

BB

Link to post
determined 1

determined 1

Posted
Posted

I'd suggest some lighter topics first until you build your strength.

My Story is still the hardest for me, as it hurts reading others pain at times.

Blessings, PM me anytime!

Link to post
jaded_chaos

jaded_chaos

Posted
Posted

I know it took me a long time to be able to consider myself a survivor. I never thought of myself as anything but a victim. Really it was this forum that helped me to realize how strong I really am. Some days I still feel weak and like a victim. But I know I can always come here and feel uplifted and strong again. I hope this place can help you as well in your journey.

Welcome :hug: :hug: :hug:

Link to post
  • 5 months later...
InOverMyHead

InOverMyHead

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Wow, so i havent been on the boards in a long time. I was off doing what i do best, which is ignoring the problem and hoping it would disappear. I recently gave up on that "method of healing" and reached out for help. Today was my first counseling appointment at the Sexual assualt counseling center at the local YWCA. I actually forgot about the boards until I came home from my appointment and saw that I had an e-mail from them saying that i havent posted in forever. coincidence? more like fate... maybe.. im not sure about that yet.

anyway, i am going to browse the boards and find a place to start posting. its wierd, i feel like my story is eating a hole in me, trying to get out, but im not sure if im ready to post on the my story board just yet. we will see. im going to find a topic where i feel comfortable so a can start "spilling my guts" as my counsler puts it. lol.

see you on the flip side,

InOverMyHead

Link to post
littleseahorse

littleseahorse

Posted
Posted
Wow, so i havent been on the boards in a long time. ........

anyway, i am going to browse the boards and find a place to start posting. its wierd, i feel like my story is eating a hole in me, trying to get out, but im not sure if im ready to post on the my story board just yet. we will see. im going to find a topic where i feel comfortable so a can start "spilling my guts" as my counsler puts it. lol.

see you on the flip side,

InOverMyHead

Welcome back :wave: it is a BIG step to face your "stuff" so well done be gentle to yourself and take care; just remember you are not alone :notalone:

safe hugs if ok

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Followers 0
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...