Could I Introduce Myself?

[wheezydiesy]

Hi everyone...

I'm new here and to all of this. I came to terms that I have been sexually abused during my childhood only a month ago or so.

Today I wrote in my diary for the first time because I found this website (and other women like me) because my boyfriend decided to send me the Angela Shelton movie. (i haven't seen it yet, it's on the way in the mail) But I am finally speaking out and addressing my need to be an acceptable human woman for the first time also. I just found out last night about P.T.S.D. and realized I have lived my life that way this whole time. And no one could pin point it, not even me.

If I could I am going to share what I just wrote in my diary because I need to be heard!!

I cannot Thank You all enough for being there!!!!!!

I really feel I have never been accepted any where before. But I know I belong here.

November 6 '05

I keep going over it in my head over and over- maybe I wasn't abused but I know it is real. But somehow I keep doubting myself.

I hate them for ruining me. I was perfect. Why did they have to f*ck me over?

I will never get an answer for that other than they are sick and it doesn't seem like enough.

I feel so alone. My mom hates me because she is scared. (she won't admit she new my father abused me)

I have a few close friends who I'd rather not burden-

My therapist is enjoying her weekend, rightfully so. I don't want to disturb her either.

I'm really too scared to remember- my body fights it with every impulse.

I have to shut that door although flashes seep through the cracks. I wish I hadn't numbed myself so I could actually heal. I'm like a steel box. with a lock and key or rather- no key- or no- there is a key I just can't or refuse to find it. I wish above all I could be with my boyfriend but I find over and over that I cannot respect his boundaries. I am unfair and he doesn't deserve it. But I will learn where to draw that line.

Then-

Just now I have found After Silence.. The support web page and for the first time I feel like I belong somewhere yet I do not know if I want to be part of that club. (an abused womens club which would mean I had been abused too) Actually I do but I am ashamed to ask for it.

I am writing in my diary now to provide some relief. I haven't written in here since way before my therapy began and all I can see and read of the pages before is a woman trying to get ahold of her anger and not knowing where it comes from or even if it's hers or if it's her boyfriends fault or if she is just weird and will always have disfunctional relationships because she is abnormal no matter how hard she tries to deny it.

I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE ANYMORE!!

I've been alone since age 4 and I need a friend. A friend on my level. I do have friends but it's too sad. Too sad to give too sad to deal the kind of support I need.

I am sorry- I stupidly feel the need to apologize as though all of this were somehow all my fault.

My mother hates me. She tries not to but I can feel it. She can't bare to take the responsibility- suddenly it's me who took from her and fought her and was the fault to which all her misery came about- Her divorce especially.

But deep in her heart is a little voice that says- I love her. It's not her fault. But she is torn and anger fights her 24/7. She herself has been the victim of worser crimes (raped and satanically abused her childhood). I feel sorry for her. And I forgive her but does she know? That goes with the whole recognition package she is not ready to face.

Feeling a little lighter now.

Breathe easy

Thank You all again,

Rachael

[Just Jill]

Rachael, welcome to AS. I'm sorry any of us need this place, but I'm awfully glad it's here. You'll find the friendship and support you're looking for here.

Jill

[wheezydiesy]

Rachael, welcome to AS. I'm sorry any of us need this place, but I'm awfully glad it's here. You'll find the friendship and support you're looking for here.

Jill

thank you

[Lostindarkness]

Welcome to AS. I agree that it is sad that this place is needed, but I for one am glad it is here. You will find alot of support and understanding here.

Shannon

[Donna]

Welcome to After Silence honey, I'm very glad that you were able to find us.

Donna =)

[Rosebudish]

Welcome aboard! Life events have lead us all here for one reason or another. You'll find many supportive people here.

[tealight rookie]

Welcome to AS Rachael

Ruthie

[wheezydiesy]

Hello Everyone,

Thank you so much again for all the support.

Just wanted to let you all know that today I'll be at school all day till about 11,

so that's the only reason I would have disappeared..

Have a great day

Rach**

[Venia]

Hi Rachael,

I just thought I'd say hi and welcome to after silence

I hope you'll find support and friendship among all the wonderful people on this board. It helped me to feel less alone, and I hope it will help you in the same way

Love, Meg xx

[Lina Lu Lu Belle]

welcome hunnie. i'm sure you'll find loadsa help here xx

lina x

[rainbowstar]

Welcome to AS Rachael!!!

[smilingtears]

welcome wheezy!!!!!

AS is the place to be!!!!!!

[Lene]

BIG WELCOME TO AS Rachael

I'm real glad you found us and hope we can support you along the road to healing.

Lene x

[~Catherine~]

Welcoem to after silence, hun.

~Catherine

[curvychick220]

welcome to AS I agree with the ladies that this site shouldnt be here because violence should not exist but I hope you find the support you are looking for and possibly you can be an inspiration to others always remember to keep your chin up and your faith strong and the world is yours for the taking!

[livelifethewayuwant2]

ola welcome to as hun ... pm me anytime x

[girl-mess]

Rachael, welcome to AS. I know you will find the support and help you need to put this behind you. This place is filled with wonderful people who can relate to you. I'm sorry you had to come to a place like this, but i'm glad you decided to join. Reaching out for help is so much better than bottling it up and holding it in.

If you ever need to talk. PM me anytime - Ashleigh