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I'm James And I'm Kinda Messed Up Right Now


jsavik

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Hi. I'm James and I'm an addict.

I've struggled with drugs and booze for a long time until I finally cleaned up in 2003. I've been clean for 11 years. We call it recovery. The tools and support that I've had from NA have been life saving to me.

This is something... I'm having a hard time with. I'm not ready to talk about this too much. I have talked to my NA sponsor and I've already made an appointment to see someone about this.

What opened my own little Pandora's box?

I was reading a story and a scene in it for lack of a better description LOOKED really, REALLY wrong.

The first thing that came out was absolute fury. I was mad as hell and I didn't know why.

Then it clicked. The shock of it opened up a repressed memory. It is something that I had stuffed away in the back of my mind for 35 years that I wanted desperatly to never think of it again.

The second part hit me like lightening bolt- I remembered what happened like high definition video.

I puked. Then I started shaking and crying and then I was in the shower.

Full on anxiety attack. Rage. It really messed me up.

I know that I can be pretty crazy. At least I'm honest enough to admit it.

Discovering something like this is a terrifying experience. When the brain buries something this deep for so long and then let's it out in living color, you have to pay attention to it.

I've always felt like I missed something. I believe this is it. It explains so much that I didn't understand about myself.

I'm not exactly sure how to take on this monster. I've fought monsters before. I've fought the coke monster, the booze monster, the PTSD monster- and won. Most people don't win those battles. I thought I was doing OK until this monster showed up.

Maybe my brain knew it was something I just couldn't handle yet. It let me take on things one at a time. Maybe I'm ready to face this thing now.

I haven't felt fear or this kind of anxiety and powerlessness in a long time and I don't like it.

I am now in a strange and frightening place wondering where do I go from here?

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I think like you said, a specialist counsellor might help? I have been wanting corroboration for so long, I start to get flickers of something, a memory of being locked in a room,a mattress, cloths wrapped around my limbs? , a sick feeling- for years I had nightmares about the feelings. I think it was sex but I was so young I did not know what sex was, it just felt like- chinese burns, I dont know.

Not sure if knowing the way you just found out helps recovery but I think it must do.

Thank you for sharing.It gives me hope that maybe one day my mind can let this sad sick memory out and I can start to heal properly.

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Hi James ...so sorry u went through that pain ...I have PTSD and Its hard when u get triggered ...trying to push through ...u will find a lot of support here for sure & I hope u have some counsellor or therapist to help u etc .its great u overcome some things ....sorry those repressed memories that come up all the sudden can be traumatic but sure u can heal and get through it all ....please take care

Edited by Anya27
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Hi James. I'm sorry you found yourself here, but this is a great supportive site. I never lost all of my memories, but there have always been some, and I always thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn't remember. I also have the fear of what I might come back, not a good feeling at all. The mind can be a confusing thing, but know that you can find people who understand.

Mary

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Hello James,

Welcome to Aftersilence!!!!

I'm sorry for the reason you had to come here, but I'm glad you found us!

A line that struck me in your post was

"Maybe my brain knew it was something I just couldn't handle yet. It let me take on things one at a time. Maybe I'm ready to face this thing now."

I really do agree with this. You've had a chance to conquer other aspects of your life, and you know.. it's made you into a stronger person. Sometimes we do that and just repress memories because it's how our body deals with it. I hope you have started to find some support here on AS, and been able to interact with others with similar experiences.

Mandy

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Hello James, my name is Winter.

I know how you feel, I came to remember my own dark secret by similar means. It was repressed for a very long time and I've been depressed throughout my life. I also turned to alcohol for a time when I didn't understand why I was depressed, granted I've been through other obscene things so I thought the depression was caused by that. However one day an intimate act triggered a memory and soon images and feelings came flooding back. I drowned myself in alcohol at first but the more I realized why I was depressed the less I wanted to drink. Once I knew why I felt bad I just wanted to fix it. I also have a son and I didn't want to put him through the alcoholic home I grew up in so that also helped.

It makes me feel better to know I am not the only one with repressed memories, I was so afraid it might just be in my head but now seeing others who have awakened to theirs I am not as afraid.

I also don't know where to go from here but if you ever want to talk I'm here.

=)

Sincerely, Winter.

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I've been there James. Very similar experience this winter, I'm only now starting to find my way back to my life. New memories are revolting. Admiting this new disgusting identity is the worst. It is part of me so I am learning to accept it. Learning how it shaped my life for better and worse. It's actually not all bad for me. Some of the decisions I made based on fear were very wise. The strength I gained is immeasurable. The empathy of have for others now is much more vast.

I hope you have a similar or easier experience.

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