Wondering Why The World Has So Much Wrong

[nola1990]

I've started to type this a thousand times over but there isnt the right words to fully express myself,so here's my best attempt through my tears.(a weight is lifting)

I was first molested at the age of 2 by my mom's boyfriend. The same guy also was molesting my brother who was 3. (I had nightmares like no other of a shadowed figure, which i later found out the shadow was my moms boyfriend) Fast foward to 8 yrs a relative (who was 15) began to rape me for 4 months until my mother found out. I was spanked and thrown into the tub and was told I was a dirty girl (at this point he had only taken off my clothes). To this day she will not listen to what actually happened. She says she knows everything thats ever happened to me and wont listen. After that I have no great memories of childhood really. My mom became very abusive, pyshically and emotionally (eventually she made me drop out school,quit church and my job). when I was 15 my bro molested me for about a month. It was unpreventable, I would wake up to him with my top or pants almost off. I have serious sleep issues to this day. Anywhos, after dropping out at 17 I started to drinking... wrong idea... I had found a friend who loved to drink with a community basketball team. I dont remember the exact details of this night, just me saying no over and over again. There's a few times after that where I dont feel like it was completely concentual because at those times I was so drunk and I was told I fell asleep during the sex but I dont honestly know.... So here I am at 23, hating sex and myself,feeling worthless,terrified of my nightmares and now looking for support. Because keeping my pain in is killing me... How do you coop riddle me this?

[silent no more]

I am so sorry that you went through so many things in your short life. Know that none of it was your fault!! It was the fault of the sick people that were in your life. I am so sorry you had such a horrible mother. Just know that you are not alone and you have found a family of people that understand what you are dealing with, on a daily basis. I am sorry for the things that brought you to After Silence, but am glad you have found a place you can get the support you need and deserve! Welcome!!

~SNM~

[nola1990]

Thank you. I really appericate it.

[scartissue]

I've asked myself the same question so many times. How can there possibly be so much wrong, so much hate, so much pain, so much disregard, disrespect, and horror in this world. I would probably offend people if I told everyone my not-so-comforting answers, but let me just say that my search for those answers has led me to abandon my faith in God. I know a lot of people feel that their faith is a cornerstone of their recovery. I won't tell any of you that you are wrong. I'm just as likely to be wrong as you are. Actually, I'll even say that I'm MORE LIKELY to be wrong than you. But faith just doesn't work for me anymore. Reflecting on my pain and misery and the depths of my abuse..... it's easier to lose my faith in God than to believe that he was watching and did nothing. Maybe God is real, but just doesn't, or at least didn't care about me. Maybe he cared more about giving my abuser everything he wanted. Maybe God just hates me. I don't know! Maybe God was sleeping on the job.

I'm going to shut up now. I really don't mean to insult or upset anyone. I'm just saying the things that I think but can't say to anyone else that hasn't been through abuse.

Sammy

p.s. This is my fourth post. Baby step number 4!;

[silent no more]

You are so welcome!! (((((((((((((((((((((nola)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

~SNM~

[nola1990]

Sammy, I couldnt agree with you more. Its hard to imagine there being a God out there who "loves me" but allowed someone hurt me as toddler just doesnt seem right in my book.

[~FOUND~]

I am so sorry for the trauma you have been through.

I can say that I understand how you feel.

Keep talking, breaking silence one word at a time furthers healing.

Hang in there.

Found