Ready To Explode

[lost30]

I've spent 16 years pretending nothing happened and trying to put it away in a box in my mind that never gets opened. Now,discovering that I have a damaged heart, scar tissue, I can't get it out of my head... knowing they're ruining my health so many years later is affecting my ability to be a wife and mother. I'm drowning.

[joannaa]

I'm very sorry for what you've been through and that you're still suffering from what was done to you. I am glad you've found us on AS, though. I hope you get what you're looking for here. You are very welcome.

[ActivistAlly]

Lost30,

It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed right now. I'm sorry that you are feeling such presure but I am glad that you have found AS and I hope you'll feel free to express whatever you need or want to.

You survived what happened and you've survived the last 16 years. You are strong and you are brave.

You are likely at the point now where you feel safe enough to let those old hurts pour out. It's not a weakness on your part at all to take time out now to heal those old wounds. A friend once told me that it is like breaking your leg and then having to walk on it as if nothing happened. At some point, it is best to stop, when you are safe and take care of that injury. A lot of times, to survive, we just couldn't take care of it back when it happened because we needed to do what we had to just to keep going.

I hope AS can be of some help to you on your path to healing. If I can be of help or answer any questions, please feel free to ask.

Activist Ally

[lost30]

Thanks.I was raised to believe it was something to be ashamed of and hide... Really battling to come to terms with the fact that I'm allowing it into my present. It's nice to know I'm no longer alone

[ActivistAlly]

Shame and hiding are two very common reactions that survivors have even though those who hurt us should properly be the ones to feel guilty or ashamed.

Dealing with shame and hiding is really difficult for many survivors, but I'm glad to see you are taking steps to overcome some of the less helpful things you were raised to believe, so that you can overcome those negative feelings. I think you deserve nothing but compassion, kindness, and understanding as a survivor.

Edited December 6, 2014 by ActivistAlly

[louiseroi]

Hi lost, I feel like I am failing as a wife and mother and unable to hold down a job etc- because of something I thought I was over that happened nearly 30 years ago.These things that bring us to AS are traumatising but its true what everyone else says.After looking at different forums I rang up a helpline and now have someone I can talk to, and she also told me about a counselling session I can attend next week. So we are not alone and there is help out there.

[Lily76]

I am new here too and can relate to your pain and struggle. I let out the "secret" at 16 and because it was my "perfect" brother, my parents blamed me for everything and told me I was a liar. So I pretended that they were right and I've kept up that pretense for the last 22 years. It messes with everything! Emotional and physical health, there are good days/months and then it creeps back into life. I started counseling, finally, because I was only "permitted" the court ordered sessions when I was young. It feels so much better to be a part of this board and know there are others like me that have the same struggles!!

[louiseroi]

Lost,Lily, seeing your posts it just reinforces for me how its not just the r and sa we suffer which are damaging, its the reactions of those around us and that denial is what people force on you sometimes- its not even a choice.

The fact that even after years the desire for justice, even just acknowledging whats happened and how damaging it is,remains, shows how in the end denial doesn't work.

I can't talk to my family now, they have no idea and no way of processing what happened to me.

Not one has had the bottle to tell me, as an adult, the things which I have had to work out, painfully and making lots of mistakes, for myself.

I don't care about them anymore. This is me time.