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CJsNytemayr

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    Female
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    At home
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    About CJ:<br /><br /><br />I am a divorced mom:<br />Currently treading the dangerous hormonal, drama queen and angst ridden waters of teenage-dom with my gorgeous 16 year old daughter who is truly the love of my life. To be honest, at 42, I have basically given up any hope of ever having any happiness in my own life and find my happiness through her achievements and victories. <br /><br />I am a Christian:<br />My life is meaningless daily wandering from one useless activity to the next searching but never finding that one thing that might make me happy. Sustained by one truth~ Jesus loves me, Jesus died for my sins, and one day, Jesus will return for me.<br /><br />I love All things Japanese:<br />Manga, particularly InuYasha, self-learning bits of Japanese language, but so far I have only memorized the proper words to seriously offend a citizen of Japan. I like learning about absorbing culture, spending far too much money on ebay.<br /><br />Doodles:<br />I love pencil sketching and am getting pretty decent at it too...sporadically... lol <br /><br />Books and Movies:<br />I am a raging Harry Potter fanatic and misplaced Weasley. I think I should be a third Weasley twin, making them triplets of course. I have a good sense of humor, a mischievous and sharp sense of humor and so I am naturally drawn to the Weasley twins and kindred spirits. I also adore James and Oliver Phelps, the portrayer's of the Weasley twins in the HP films, but could do without Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe. Talk about big ego's. <br /><br />Professionally:<br />I am a tortured and angst riddled writer and semi-profressional graphic artist with a flare for the dramatic, and a full time drain on society. I have not been able to work since 2000 because of ptsd, depression, phobias, and borderline agoraphobia. I am on the cusp of starting a home graphics business, and just completed my first paid job client. <br /><br />Me:<br />My life is pretty sad, I don't understand why I was even born because it has been one disappointment after another. I hate my life, when I feel anything...the sadness and loneliness feels like a thick goo creeping up my body and covering me until it will get into my mouth and nose and smother me...and then I will be dead again...dead inside, heartless, like a robot. Until the depression takes over...then I will cry over anything, I use to actually cry watching The Price Is Right, when someone would win something. Yet when I would watch a movie with real emotion ... I cry... but I don't feel it. It's like I am pushing buttons " I should be feeling this now, cue tears. Cue laugh...." Thats the worst thing about my life. I love to laugh, I adore making others laugh.... I laugh a lot.... but, I so seldom feel the laughter in my soul, or in my heart...<br /><br />I want to feel again... I mean really feel. I'm tired of being dead inside and experiencing my own emotions like I am an observer. I've been in therapy for years and years and years. I've talked all this to death, and been honest...<br /><br />It all feels very hopeless.

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  1. Hi and thank you very much for the kind welcome and hugs. Its weird how I feel so at home here already,its like God led me here because this is where I should be, where I need to be. There is so much I keep inside and I am just so Freaking sick of feeling alone and feeling IT down into my bone marrow.
  2. Hi, my name is CJ. Konichiwa is Japanese for Hello. I am self-learning Japanese but so far I have only memorized enough to really piss someone off So, in case you haven't figured it out yet, I am a total clown. I like to joke around a lot but as I am sure you also know there are a lot of layers which I will talk about when I tell my story. Basics though, 42, divorced, upper midwest. Single mom 1 daughter, survivor of childhood multiple (understatement) abuse. There's more details about me in my profile...so....yeah...
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