I Am New

[mtngirl]

Hello everybody,

I am new to this website and hoping it will help me in my journey. I was raped and emotionally abused by my college boyfriend who I dated for two years. I finally got myself out of the relationship five years ago, but never said anything or told anyone about what really happened in our relationship. I tried to move on with my life but I've noticed a pattern of intimacy issues and destructive emotional relationships ever since. In an attempt to try and resolve my issues, I finally admitted to myself that I was a victim of sexual assault and emotional abuse and have told a few friends and finally started going to counseling. However, so far it has just made matters worse. I was feeling pretty secure and happy before I started down this path, and now I'm noticing that my feelings of depression, anxiety, and hopelessness as well as emotional withdrawal from my friends and family is starting to happen again and it feels awful. I'm not sure if its a good idea for me to bring all this stuff up again when I closed it all in a box in my mind so many years ago, but I feel as though I'm at a point where I will never be able to move forward with any significant relationships unless I address these old issues. Has this happened to anyone else?

[reglois]

_{sorry you have to be here, hope you find what you need here, it sucks when you think you have shoved everything way down out of reach and parts come back to bite you in the nether regions, does seem to get worse before healing can begin}

[somerandomguy1985]

Has this happened to anyone else?

Yup. It always hurts when you stir up these sorts of old memories, especially if you've never really faced them before, but I believe you're headed in the right direction. If you keep all that pain buried and try to deal with it alone, it will always be there waiting to rise up and control your life. And if you're not open with yourself and your loved ones about what happened, then you will find yourself having to make excuses for why you seem so depressed and withdrawn. It's much better in my opinion to tell at least a little of the story to a small number of people in your life so that they know the kind of things you're going through. For me this was my immediate family and one friend. I haven't told any of them the complete story and it's possible I never will, but I think they deserved to have some idea of what I'm going through.

My abuse occurred in college too, and I waited 5 years before I went to therapy. When I first started going, I was a complete wreck; the flashbacks had started up again and were getting worse and worse. I was afraid it was going to cost me my job, but I had made the decision that this was what I needed to do. I couldn't trust people and the idea of a relationship seemed impossible because of how badly I'd been hurt and outright betrayed by people I thought were my friends. I didn't want to feel broken and alone anymore.

I've been going to therapy for almost 2 years now. I'm on meds for depression, and I'm pretty stable... certainly 100 times more stable than when I started this whole journey. I feel better and I feel stronger. You can get there too, just take it one step at a time.

Take care and feel free to PM me if you ever have questions or want someone non-judgmental to talk to.

-Guy

[NorskyCourtney]

but I feel as though I'm at a point where I will never be able to move forward with any significant relationships unless I address these old issues. Has this happened to anyone else?

- I totally hear what you're saying, Mtngirl. There's a tendency and pattern to push down/repress issues from sexual and/or physical & emotional abuse. It finds a way to rear its ugly head at some point, then we're faced with "I gotta be honest about that his has changed me, affected my life, and been a destructive force." I was sexually attacked by a group of men at a house party just shortly after I graduated high school, and chose not to press charges because I was making a move to a different place to begin my life as a young adult. Shortly after, I got into a relationship with an emotionally abusive and controlling man. I ended it before it got "too far", but oh I paid for both of those dearly. I knew I had some issues from what had happened, but life kept going along fine for a few years, as repressed memories and whatnot weren't coming to light. Everything got triggered for me after I dealt with a few peeping toms, who were trying to make contact with me. I moved to a new town, got myself safe, and everything emotionally crashed for me from there. I've been seeing a psychologist now for close to a year to deal with my PTSD and anxiety symptoms, and it's making a wonderful difference, as well as time moving on and proving to me that trouble isn't waiting at every corner (though I have to convince myself of that; I'm always waiting and expecting a ball to drop).

Though you may be "shutting out" your loved ones, it's important to keep yourself surrounded with the ones you really trust. I had to get together a little support team for when I'm "freaking out". Though I'm emotionally scarred and to this day do deal with some hard emotions, I continue to become healthier and happier as I go along my journey and the old feelings continue to dissipate. I promise, it will be that way for you too, as you continue along your healing journey. It may take a long time, or it may not; but don't give up on yourself.

[angelic]

hello mtngirl,

welcome to After Silence, my name is Paula and I am one of the Newbie support team here. I'm here to help with any issues you might have with the board, if I can. I'm glad you found us and I hope being here will be a great help to you. Take your time,. there is no rush or pressure to talk here, do it at your own pace

if you need any help with the board, please contact me

take care, Paula

[~FOUND~]

Welcome!