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So I Guess This Is The First Step...


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Hello everyone,

I just registered on the website. I am 22 years old and completely a mess. I have been silent for too long about some things that happened to me. I have recently told a few people about my past. My heart hurts. No one really understands what it is like to be me, in my skin. I am a survivor, or so I am told. But I am not sure that I am doing so well at this whole "surviving" thing. I have anorexia and I smoke far too many cigarettes. I was hurt, but I also hurt myself. I guess I just feel ready to meet other people who have been through the same things I have. I hope I am doing the right thing...finally talking about this. There is so much guilt and anger involved with rape. With the guilt, there is silence. I guess it is time to break the silence so that I can hopefully become a normal person again. Oh well, I will stop rambling...I just don't know what to do or where to go at this point.

~Brokenwings~

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First of all

:hug:

Welcome to the board. I'm very sorry for whatever reasons you have had to come down this path, however I hope you find the support here that you're looking for. Don't think you're a mess, surely what you've been through is enough to warrant how you feel and that isn't your fault, all you can do is deal with it the best you can and survive. That's what you have done.

I'm glad you're ready to reach out to those around you. I found a lot of comfort here in knowing that how I felt wasn't strange or anything and that there were people that actually understood.

Don't feel afraid or embarrassed here, no one will judge you. If you ever need anything don't hesitate to pm me or something. Thereis always someone around here with an ear and great advice.

Hang in there sweetie.

Do you have someone to talk to? A therapist perhaps? They might be able to help you with not eating, guilt and self blame have a lot to do with that. When you hate yourself it's hard to want to eat, to want to take care of yourself. When you start loving yourself again, it'll be easier to eat properly, but half of the battle is forcing yourself to.. and realizing you are worth it. You deserve it.

Take care ok? :hug:

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Thank you so much. Your words are encouraging. I guess the whole "love yourself" thing is the biggest thing I am struggling with. I do not currently have a therapist because I just had to withdraw from all of my classes at my college (due to Anorexia) and the therapist I had was on campus. However, I am trying to decide if I am going to put myself in an inpatient program for eating disorders next week. It is terrifying to think of being trapped in a hospital, but I always feel trapped anyways. Maybe these people will help me if I decide to go. I'm just not sure if going to this treatment center for 14 days can really turn my life around. I want to love myself. I want to feel alive again. I want to not feel so sad and angry about my past. Maybe I can learn how to look at a bright future with no pain or regrets. I'm not sure how to do that, but perhaps this treatment center for eating disorders and sexual assault victims could help me find myself again. It's hard being honest with myself about my pain. It will be very hard to talk about it with Drs. Any thoughts on what I should do?

~Brokenwings~

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Well, with a bit of luck the first thing you should do is read that we are putting welcome to AS ....... You have shown enormous courage and a big step in starting to post on this board, I am afraid right now I have got to shoot out of the house so I just wanted to put that you are not alone in this thanks to this wonderful website.. Take care .......... :hug:

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Well, with a bit of luck the first thing you should do is read that we are putting welcome to AS ....... You have shown enormous courage and a big step in starting to post on this board, I am afraid right now I have got to shoot out of the house so I just wanted to put that you are not alone in this thanks to this wonderful website.. Take care .......... :hug:

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:) Hi Broken Wings

Welcome to AS. If you know you have wings then you believe you can fly. If you had a broken leg, you would not hesitate to get it fixed so you could walk again. You have wings, broken wings can be healed. You have shown great courage in coming here, and posting. I love your name that you have given yourself. Don't give up, give in to that urge to fly again. You will fly like you've never flown before because you will be stronger, wiser and happier.

This was said to encourage you not to push you. Move at your own pace. Post as much or as little as you like. You already know what to do. Don't give up, and don't belittle yourself, because it really is hard, but it is worth it.

Laray

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:bighug: Thank you all for your support. My wings are broken at the moment but I believe that there is hope for them to be healed. The best thing I have done was starting to post on this page. I didn't realize how support like this could really help me to feel better and not so alone. Thank you again.

~Brokenwings~

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Welcome to the forum Brokenwings :bighug:

I'm glad you feel that this form of support is helping ... it sure has done for me. Coming here has helped me feel more confident about speaking out, and to feel less shame. And like you've said, it helps to subdue that lonliness.

It was a brave step to post here, so well done! :)

:hug:

Saz x

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