New And Trying To Hold It Together.

[Sandycheeks]

Hi I'm new here, feels weird to write this,and crying. I.m dealing with ptsd, this happened when i was kidnapped at 6 and I went thru my whole life,like it was no big deal.living in denial. I'm in my early 40s have two young sons and a very understanding husband. I'm also dealing with pretty bad anxiety. Feeling alone I mean no females to talk to because as I started to deal with the fallout from pushing this all down my mom stopped talking to me, she is emotionally abusive and blamed me for the abduction basically. i lived with that guilt for many years. My husband tries to help and he is wonderful, but I need that female understanding.

Edited January 10, 2014 by Sandycheeks

[drowningnotwaving]

Welcome to AS Sandy, sorry you have to be here but I know you will find the support and understanding you need.

[NorskyCourtney]

Welcome here, Sandy - I'm so sorry for the abduction that occurred, and God knows the horror it must have been for you, especially as young of a child as you were. You're right, a female understanding is generally different than how we relate to the males in our lives, as supportive and loving as many of them are. I hope and pray you find the support and comfort you're searching for. I, too, have PTSD, so if you ever need anyone to talk to, you may private message me. Best wishes.

[Sandycheeks]

Thank you for replying to me, I really appreciate this.

[springrain]

I too have PTSD and the anxiety is really bad at times. I am dealing with stuff from my childhood from around the same age as you. I am also married have a supportive husband, and a 9 year old daughter. PTSD is a tough road, but can be manageable and it is possible to heal. I totally get that the guilt can be very heavy and difficult to deal with. Sometimes the guilt is the most difficult part of this whole thing, it can be tougher to deal with than the actual abuse.

I am sorry that you have the need to be here but wanted you to know that you are definitely not alone in this.

[Sandycheeks]

Thank you all so much, I felt so dang alone dealing with the ptsd and anxiety, I mean i know other people have delt with the abuse,but no one to talk about it.I was dealing with anxiety headaches, then stomach problems, the occasional anxiety attack. I was put on antidepressants which actually made the anxiety worse, then I han a super nova of anxiety, and when I needed my mom she turned her back on me, so not only Im dealing with this abduction im dealing with the realization of my mom not being the person who I thought she was. Looking at my childhood really really bad, bit ignorance is bliss right How do all of you deal with these emotions, anxiety , lack of sleep?

[reglois]

so sorry for the reasons that brought you here if OK

[angelic]

Hello Sandy

welcome to After Silence, my name is Paula and I am one of the newbie support team here. I hope you are finding your way around the board okay , if you need any help with it, please let me know,

take care, Paula

[springrain]

Are you seeing a therapist? That would be my first piece of advice- to see a therapist who works specifically with trauma victims and who understands how to treat PTSD. A good therapist can teach you coping skills and grounding techniques for dealing with the anxiety, flashbacks.

There is also a really good thread on her somewhere- I think that it is called "Self Care Kit" or something of that nature, that lists and explains a bunch of techniques that therapists use and teach.

A really key thing for me of late is to be able to understand where the emotions that I am having are coming from. My T has helped me to understand that the overwhelming emotions that I am having in the midst of the anxiety and flashbacks are generally from the past. We talk about them as being from the child's perspective. They are the emotions that have been locked away for decades. They are very raw. They need to be expressed, and it is okay to feel these things now but it is also important to remember that the trauma that belongs to these emotions is over- it is in the past.

I think that for a long time when I began feeling the memories and emotions from the child's perspective, that I would not understand what was happening because it seemed so out of touch with "reality". I would resist and fight against it. That confusion and resistance in and of itself led to more anxiety. And it all just snowballed and grew from there. I'd have memories, flashbacks and overwhelming emotions and get entirely lost in them. Now I am getting better at recognizing the child's perspective from which all of the memories and emotions flow and I do not get so lost in all of it. Now I am able to remain present- for the most part. I am trying to not resist. I try to let it remain a background noise, let it do what it needs to do. I try to notice the emotions and the images, acknowledge them and then let them move on rather than attaching to them and being immersed in them.

I will also say that I have been going through a period where new memories of the trauma are emerging and this totally sucks. There seems to be a cycle that takes place with each new memory and it is always really difficult at first because even with the understanding of the child's perspective, the memories are horrific and incredibly painful. They are shocking to my system at first. But I am learning to live with this stuff, figuring out how to incorporate it into my story rather than allowing it to define who I am... and it is easier to do so as time goes by.

[Sandycheeks]

Bless you, you dont know how much this really helps, I am seeing a therapist, but I'm .dealing with the abduction and the mom crap which is sometimes overwhelming. I.guess I felt that my experience wasn't a big deal because he let me live ( at 6 I thought he would kill me) and I was able put him in jail so.felt I.got closure most people dont get, and the molestation could have been word. I.know.that sounds weird but I felt I had no right to.feel anything except guilt. I mean others had things a lot worse.

[springrain]

I don't think that you should compare one abuse to another or envision a scale to determine which abuse is worse. You were 6 years old, kidnapped and molested- do not minimize your experience. Please do not feel guilty because your situation could have turned out worse. Instead try to find a way to have compassion for yourself as you do for others.

I am sorry about the way your Mom has responded to you. Hopefully she will come to her senses and understand that you need and deserve support.But honestly you are probably better off in the long run not having her around, than you would be if she were around as an ongoing source of pain. I have cut ties with a number of people in my family, (not my Mom, but people who I was actually closer to than my Mom). It was a real loss- and I grieved the loss. But the truth of the matter is, I am so much better without the self centered drama and complexity that they brought. It hurt at the time, but it is an improvement in my life now.

Edited January 11, 2014 by springrain

[Sandycheeks]

This means so much to me, to hear compassionate people responding, I have cut her out of my life and it hurts very deeply, she blamed me for the trial making my parents separate because of the stress, I had alot of men brought into my life because of her, and they were extremely abusive, emotionally and verbally. my therapist suggests to keep her away due to the fact of her abuse, and Im still wrapping my head around all of this, thinking my relationship with her was awesome and she was wonderful and the blinders came off right as this all started, she just cut herself off from me, knowing how bad of a place i was in, i was worried about hurting mself, and asked her to be here for my family.So I have all this guilt, shame and hurt going. Do you have problems with anxiety and sleeping?

[springrain]

It sounds like the way your Mom treated you was a surprise- a shock, so it makes sense that you are grieving the loss of your mother. As painful as it is just try to keep in mind that grief has a known cylce... it is a normal, healthy, necessary emotional process and it has an end. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Your Mom blaming you for your parents separation is ridiculous and inappropriate. You are married and have a child, so you understand that relationships are difficult. Blaming a child for that is so wrong on so many levels. Your Mom bringing so many men into your life and allowing them to abuse you is also wrong. It sounds like your Mom has always been more concerned with herself than with your needs- and now is not any different. You put something hard in front of her and she chose to avoid you rather than to deal with what is hard. That decision is not at all about you, it is not about any quality that is lacking in you. It is about her inability to deal with reality. I am sorry you have this on top of the already difficult issue of the kidnapping.

Lately I have been sleeping very little- I have a hard time falling asleep because of anxiety and then I when I do fall asleep I often have nightmares. I believe that nightmares are really a manifestation of anxiety. For several months now I have been averaging about 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Lack of sleep is (for me) probably the worst thing about having PTSD, because being exhausted makes every other aspect of PTSD worse.

I have to go pick up my daughter form school. Feel free to PM if you want to continue this discussion. I am glad to help if I can or just listen.

Edited January 10, 2014 by springrain

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Found