Formal Hello

[baillie]

Hi everyone. I guess I should make a formal introduction since I have given my thoughts on a couple of issues and some of you may wondering who I am.

I was a victim of date rape 18 years ago. It still seems like yesterday to me. It basically shut down my whole life from the time I was 24 until I finally decided to take some "baby" steps a couple of years ago and try to find myself again.

I have never been able to tell my family. I have a couple of close friends that know but not the details...Just to hard even after all this time. I keep thinking that I should be past the worst part of it by now but I still struggle.

I think the reason why it has been so hard for me is because I trusted this person with my life and he took that trust and used it against me when I was at my most vunerable. Not only that but he was and is a law enforcement officer (someone that the public is suppose to trust). I didn't feel like I could even report him because of the repercussions that I would have faced from the law enforcement community as a result. I often wonder how many others he has done the same thing to over the years and they too were too afraid to do anything. One of the worst things about it is that he is a detective now. That makes him more visible as far as the public is concerned and sometimes he will be on TV or his photo in the newspaper and then it all triggers all over again.

Anyway, I feel welcome here. Everyone is so supportive and friendly. I didn't realize how much I needed that in my life. At some point I will try to post my story in hopes of taking another "baby" step forward in my healing process.

[-Nicole-]

(((Welcome baillie)))

I am so sorry for your expirience. You are not alone though. My rape was 5-6 years ago, and I thought I should have been over it a long time ago. I don't think we can really get over it with out going through the healing process. It may be different for everyone, but I think I need to face, accept and deal with what happened to me. Trust is one huge thing taken from us when we are raped, it is very hard when it is someone we know.

Don't downplay your progress, your baby steps may be bigger than you think. Good luck, and welcome again!

[Survivors sanctuary]

Welcome to AS ..I hope that being here will help on your healing journey ..

[Charlene]

welcome and hugs

hope we can help you

[Donna]

(((((Baillie)))))

Welcome to AS honey.

(((Hugs)))

Donna =)

[baillie]

Thanks everyone for making me feel so welcome here.

I find that since I have been coming here that I have a quicker temper and that I don't have tolerance for things that I used to just let roll off of my back. I'm thinking that this is a good thing, though. You see, I have never really faced this part of my past and have tried to just put it back as far in my mind as I could. Out of sight...out of mind so to speak. With the help of others in this community I feel like maybe I can let out some of the pent of thoughts and feeling that I have struggled so hard to bury...Get angry, cry and forgive myself for feeling guilty for being in a situation that could lead to this.

[-Nicole-]

There is nothing wrong with letting your feelings out and feeling them. I too pushed my feelings far to the back of my mind, I went into denial about what happened to me. It is hard to get out of that denial and begin the healing, but it is worth it. I meant to say in my first post that I don't think we ever really "get over it" although I said something like that. Our attack(s) is something that becomes a part of our life but making the transition from victim to survivor and actively healing makes the difference in our lives.

So be angry, cry, yell, vent The world will not end (as a good friend told me) and you might just feel a little better

Please, please, understand that it wasn't you fault. Being in any situation doesn't mean you deserve to be raped. No one deserves to be raped no matter what actions and decisions they have made.

(((hugs)))