Broken Into A Million Pieces

[BrokenDesires]

Hi everyone!

I am on several support forums, but decided it was time to seek out support for something that happened to me Nov. 3, 2013 that finished breaking my already broken soul.

I will try to make this as short as possible. I was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused during childhood by my mom, real dad, step mom, cousin(s), and other family members. If all this wasn't enough November 3, 2013- exactly one week before my 25th birthday I was stranger raped in my own apartment that I shared with roommates.

Due to ALL of this, I was diagnosed in 2013 with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety, and a bit of Agoraphobia. Also in June 2013 I fell and hit my head receiving a traumatic brain injury and ended up in the hospital having 3 spinal taps done to relieve the pressure on my brain.

I am in therapy for all of this and I have come a long way. We are now really digging into the rape and it is very difficult. I have nightmares almost every night. We are doing what is called EMDR to help.

I do have a 2 year old Boxer mix that I rescued May 2013 that I am training to be my Service Dog. She is completely task trained- just working on public access training. She does everything from retrieving meds when I have migraine or panic attack to picking up dropped items to waking me from nightmares to alerting to all my illnesses (also diabetes). I owe her my life.

I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt (overdose) March 2014 before getting her, but have only been back into the psych unit once since and that was a month ago. I was heading towards that path again so my therapist felt it best that I voluntarily get admitted to get my meds regulated. I had come off most of them when I had to drop out of college, thus loosing my insurance and psychiatrist.

I am now back in school, taking one online course and have found a new psychiatrist. I am here in hopes of learning and accepting what has happened, including the other sexual abuse that happened as a child. Everyone tells me I am too hard on myself, but that is the only way I know to be. I blame myself for most of it and also for now where I am. I am not the person I was 2 years ago. I am broken and damaged.

[sunshinee]

Welcome to Aftersilence BrokenDesires,

First I want to say I'm so sorry for the reason you are having to come here, but I'm glad you found us. You know, reading your post- you can see the courage and strength... how you are moving forward. It may not seem like it- trust me I know when someone used to tell me that I had a hard time believing it. As for being hard on yourself- you shouldn't- easier said then done. I'm the exact same way, but I do try to work through it. Your Service Dog sounds amazing I'm glad you have her with you.

I hope being here will help you move forward, and maybe just even reading other stories will help your healing. If you have any questions at all or need help navigating the boards please let me know.

Mandy

NST

[Janedoe5]

@BrokenDesires

Welcome to AS...

Im new here as well and honestly making the move to discuss what you gone through is a large leap forward. It may not seem like it but it is. You service dog sound great😄...

[Anya27]

Hi ... I joined recently as well ..I can relate to some of ur story .. U r very very strong and u just talking and sharing and getting the help u need is a big step to better and bigger things . Hope to get to know u more ...this is truly a gret forum ...Take Care

[reglois]

if OK

[Raven13]

Hi, I'm new here too. I think it is great that you found such a great service dog. I'm truly sorry for what has happened to you though to need a service dog...

[nevada2000]

I too have had grand mal seizures and have migraines. It sounds like your dog is good company, besides being there to save your life.

I read in one of your other posts that you are having trouble eating. You need to eat so you can keep your diabetes under control. I used to not eat in the morning when I was a child and would often faint at school. Once I was riding my bike and I experienced a longer period of unconsciousness. My mother went out to find me (she had sent me to the grocery store), and she found me in some bushes.

Anyway, this is a very good place to come for support. You will not be judged and there always seems to be someone that can deal with various aspects of your story. I joined AS last month.

It is very nice to meet you!

Carol

Edited January 14, 2015 by nevada2000

[BrokenDesires]

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome. It really means a lot. As for my Service Dog, she is pretty amazing. Training her has really helped aid in my healing and also shown me what I want to do with my life. I want to train other Service Dogs for people with PTSD, mainly people non related to war. There are PLENTY of programs out there for veterans with PTSD, but not for civilians with PTSD. The one program in a neighboring state that I found trained for civilians put be on the back burner when some vets come in, even though they KNEW I had just attempted suicide and needed a dog. That was when I went in search of my own dog to train. On my most depressed days, just a few minutes of training with her helps to get me out of bed. I will try to attach a picture of her.

I read in one of your other posts that you are having trouble eating. You need to eat so you can keep your diabetes under control.

It is very nice to meet you!

Carol

I think you may have me mistaken for someone else, this is my very first post here. But thank you for the concern. I am just now actually getting mine under control. For a long time I just didn't care and they stayed high.

[Raindancer]

ouch, being hurt by so many different people is hard to fathom. Most of us were silent because we were afraid to talk. With you being silent because there was nobody left to talk to must have been lonely beyond imagination. I am sorry you were hurt in so many ways by so many people. It sounds like things are pretty tough now. It is that way as the feelings come up. Having support does help and i hope you get great support here.

be gentle with you there

Rain

[reglois]

You have had a wonderful idea in wanting to train service dogs, I believe it does help in your recovery too.

I rescue abused and neglected dogs and they have been my lifeline in dark and lonely times as well as

slightly better ones , I have 6, they give so much and ask so little.

[Anya27]

Thats awesome training service dogs ! Animals r the best and so therapeutic

@ Reglois thats really great u do that

[reglois]

No not really , my woofers give me so much in return it is them doing me the good turn

If you look at my avatar you can see how they instinctively surround me, not that we ever

meet any one in this isolated area

Edited January 15, 2015 by reglois

[Anya27]

True they really do give that unconditional love but they r lucky to have u rescuing them ..

That is supercute !

[BrokenDesires]

Reglois said it perfectly. I saved my girl from the rescue, but she saves me every single day. I am being mentored my a dog trainer friend of mine, but she is actually having me help more with some service dog teams she is working with since i know how to train the tasks and know the laws. I have trained Bristol everything from retrieving meds, opening fridge (learning to grab drink) to cutting on the light when I have a nightmare. Some of it I only need very rare but it's good to have when I do plus training gives us both so much fun.

I want others to have what I have in my girl. I went from a complete house bound freak to now I can go on short trips to the store by myself (well with Bristol). She is truly giving me my life back. I want others to have that.