Hi

[anon7934]

This experience torments me daily, it takes everything to shove it back down deep and keep going. I feel like I want to scream for help but at the same time am ashamed and afraid to be perceived as weak and out of control. I used drugs and alcohol to keep it in check through my twenties but now that Im older and raising a child and that’s not an option, everyday it creeps up from the deep, I chant im not a victim I will not be the victim I am a survivor I wont let what you did to me control me.

Every time I try to talk about it or even put the experience down on paper or into words, deep pain and fear well up inside me and prevent me doing so. My brain says there’s no record of it so it didn’t happen, when I know it did. Im not looking for sympathy I just need a place where I can talk and work through this, thank you for providing such a place.

[dodo]

Hi and welcome to AS

best wishes

karen

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Found

[tuliptorn]

Hello Anon79. Welcome to AS. This place is a good place to share without pressure. I hope you find the support and validation you need here.

[sunshinee]

Hi anon,

You ARE a survivor. You're making it through. I think it requires so much courage to get out of drinking. It's not easy so I give you full credit. You're determined so I know you can make it through this. I hope you find the support you are looking for on here.

Mandy

[~FOUND~]

I hope you are finding your way around the boards ok.

Found

[anon7934]

Three year update:

When posting this introduction I was at my lowest point in my life, after doing some reading and thinking. I decided to channel my pain into something else started working out and taking care of myself dropped 100 pounds and did things I never dreamed possible like goruck and toughmudder. Havent touched drugs in that time and have had no desire to do so. In Febuary I will be going to back to school to pursue my dream job. Its been a long hard road but Im am a survivor, being a victim is a choice the moment you decide that your no longer a viticm the world opens up to you and anything becomes possible.

My only regret in all this is that I didnt make my wife aware of what I was going through. My advice to any man fighting this fight is if you have a wife that is caring understanding and trustworthy tell her whats going on. My wife is all of those things and I hid what I was going through, it wasnt until last May that I revealed what I had been through and how I was dealing with it. Our relationship was at a crossroads, damage was done by what appeared on the surface to be a selfish superfical endevor. Damage that could have been avoided had I not let my male ego get in the way.

[reglois]

if OK