My Mom Just Found Out

[Anna18]

I'm not sure how to handle this because I've hidden my rape for so long. She resided to go through my messages and found out what he had done. She hardly reacted...

[lexi825]

Wow. I'm not sure what to say but I just wanted you to know you've been heard.... I can't imagine....

[ItsANewDay14]

My mom has not really reacted either. I told her that my uncle was "inappropriate" when I was a child hoping that she would inquire about it but it was as if she wanted to avoid the conversation all together. That hurt.

I can relate to you and I wish you find the healing I too am seeking.

[Ziarre]

I was assaulted my first semester at college. My previous year in high school I had some issues with a guy not respecting what I want or didn't want. He mostly pushed himself on me but never removed clothing or touched my bare skin, however it left me fairly shaken up giving me panic attacks throughout the rest of the year.

Within the first month or so I started learning about my college's assault policy mostly through other female students who had (unfortunately) learned how the school handled the issues during their assault experience. Since I had been in high school my greatest fear was having to go through that again. However after hearing almost unbelievable stories of such a liberal pro rights college throwing out rape cases or putting rapists on "academic probation" that being barely a slap on the wrist my biggest fear became having that experience a second time over only this time having to see him every day in classes. On a side note, although I was molested in high school it was by a guy a year older who had just graduated who I didn't talk to anymore.

I was attending this college starting in January, and by April my worst fear had come true. The guy acted as a friend, who I had just been getting to know, and helped me up to my room, with another girl friend of mine after a night of drinking. I kissed him, when I thought he was leaving, on the cheek, but he moved me to my bed and started undressing me. I was confused and scared, dizzy, sick. Needless to say, although I was crying, he decided I must have been into it.

After a few days of feeling like shit, I decided to go to the dean of students to ask her about options. I never said what I thought about what had happened, I didn't label it, I just told her I was very upset about the circumstances. Her reply was, "since you're not calling it rape, let's talk about what you could do differently to avoid uncomfortable confrontations such as these." I was so surprised that I could hardly refute that. I told her, That I wasn't saying it was rape...but I was also not saying it wasn't (sorry for the double negative). I explained that I didn't think what happened was right and I was hurt. From that point on she referred to my experience as a gray area and what I could do to prevent future happenings.

I apologize when I first started writing this I didn't expect to write so much, I just thought some background information would be helpful. Anyways when my mother first heard about this from my sister, she was furious at the school, called them a few times to yell at the dean until I found out about it during one of our conversations. I was mortified, and begged her to stop until I was at least out of school. She agreed after hearing my requests but then began to tell me of similar circumstances her friends went through and how everything would be okay. I could tell she was doing her best to do the right thing and help me, even though she had no idea how to.

Once I got back for summer I expected us to talk in greater detail about where we could go from there. I went to a therapist (which I had done in the past) and at times mentioned what I was doing about the situation. However once I got home, it was like nothing had ever happened. If I would tell my mom that I thought I should write the school a letter, she would quickly change the subject, or say ya maybe you should do that, by the way what do you want for dinner?

I found it so frustrating that she could minimalize how I had been feeling, that she wasn't interested in what I had to say, even though I had thought about what I had to say to her for DAYS. This stuff wasn't just me rambling. What I wanted to tell her would be in my mind forever. I would constantly debate whether or not I wanted to talk to her, what I wanted to share, how I thought she would react and so on. And her response was always so nonchalant, as if nothing had ever happened.

Even now I find it frustrating, but I try to remind myself that she does care. Sexual assault is such a touchy subject. Sex in general is hardly talked about in the United states. It makes people uncomfortable. And I think as a mother it would be so difficult to find a way to discuss sex with your child after they had been abused or taken advantage of. I think a lot of mothers don't know how to handle it, and therefore simply just don't deal with it. I'm not saying it's right...but I know it makes me feel a bit better thinking of my mom's point of view too.

I have been struggling for so long, I have constant mood swings, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm not the same person I was. I hardly have any drive, I dropped out of school. And this is the first time I've written about anything, I know it was lengthy but thanks for listening to those who read. Also keep in mind that your mom might not listen but it always helps to have sites like these where people with similar experiences can be empathetic.

- Z

[Sarahhk1]

Hi Ziarre,

the experience you mention with you mum is very similar to mine. Beyond frustrating. I know the care but it's sad that they take the easier option of minimising

[Anna18]

But is there anything we can do?

[Sarahhk1]

I'm not sure... I've thought in my mind the million and 1 things I could scream at them to force them to see reality but I dont think that would be helpful either. Its so frustrating when your mouth is bursting to talk about something and you can tell they have the "O god here she goes again" face on. They dont mean it but you just dont imagine your own family would act like that to something so horrendous. I did once hear "Maybe you need try harder. Your T said go for walks and you don't"... SERIOUSLY?!

[Anna18]

My mom is the exact same way, i'm so done!

[Sarahhk1]

Do you think it's because they find it easier to think about in a minimised way. So they play down how bad it was. I genuinely think my mom looks at the rape of another person diff to mine. She cries at tv but cant for me

[Anna18]

I think that's it! she gave me a lecture after she found out about how much worse could have happened. Its like she doesnt understand i was raped!

[stayingstrong72]

I originally told my mom what happened to me soon after it happened, and I was young. My mom blew me off; she acted like I was either lying or just trying to get attention. That was years ago. To this day she denies I ever told her anything back then, and now she just tells me to forget it, that obviously I'm fine. But I try not to let that get to me; I just focus on other things and try to forget that she doesn't seem to care, or just doesn't want to know.

[controlfreak]

Hello

I'm new to the website and came across this post. I have yet to tell my parents about a rape that happened this year. the only people that know are three of my close female friends. I am afraid my mom may stress me out or judge me. She has always been over protective since i had a cousin who was killed in the early 90s following rape.

[ItsANewDay14]

Hey, do you guys think your moms would agree to go to therapy with you? Who knows, maybe hearing it is a BIG DEAL from a professional may help. To be honest, I have never asked my mother to go but she lives in the Caribbean so its a little different for me. She is not around all the time and does not speak English well. .

[thisdiva99]

I have had similar troubles with my parents and husband (they are all the same age). When I bring up anything relating to my rape, they change the subject, clam up, stare at me. My husband never discusses it, even when I'm asking for some help, and my parents can't handle it at all. I honestly have stopped looking for comfort from them. I truly believe that other survivors and therapists (GOOD ones) are the only ones who can help us through. My parents are these wonderful people who are teachers and people go to them for help and advice every waking moment, but they are not so much help when it comes to the sexual abuse of their daughter. My suggestion is to find other outlets of help and advice outside of one's parents. They may not be the most help. I invite anyone who is looking to vent or needs a sounding board to please throw me a message. I'm always happy to be an open set of ears for folks!

Laura

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Found