My Struggle

[Guest fiona]

Hi, dont know where to start, and a bit unsure what to say but i will give it a go.

My father sexually abused me for 5 years from the age of 11. When it all came out when i was 16 that was when i found out he had been doing the same to my 2 younger sisters. The amount of guilt i felt then was unbelievable.

I wish i had told somebody then i would have saved them from going through what i went through. I have since resolved this with one of my sisters and we r closer than ever. The other sister is a different story. She was badly affected mentally and she is emotionally unstable. We do not see her very often.

At the moment I am coping. I am now 33 years old, i have 3 wonderful children, 2 girls and a boy. I do worry all the time about it happening to them, but try not to let it affect my life to much.

My sexual relationship with my partner is not easy on my part. I just tend to go through the motions to keep him happy. Although this has not always been the case. Before the children came along i was very happy with that part of the relationship, but since the children i just dont want it at all and freeze even if he is just giving me a hug.

I would like to write to somebody who has shared and maybe is sharing the same experiences that i have had and am having now.

Thank u for reading this.

Just writing it down makes me feel less stressed.

fi x

i have now written a more detailed story in My Story

Edited March 8, 2005 by fiona

[tealight rookie]

(((Fiona)))

Welcome to AS sweetie. I know how hard this first step is, but believe me you have come to a wonderfully warm and supportive place. Just take your time and post whenever you're ready.

I am so sorry for the experiences you have been through, but please know that it was your father who did wrong, and not you. I know how much you will have wanted to protect your siblings (I am the oldest child too), but honey, what happened to them was not your fault. And what happened to you was not your fault either.

Take care, and feel free to PM me if you ever need an ear.

Ruthie

[PinkHippo]

Welcome.

Hope you find some friends and answers here

[-Nicole-]

Welcome Fiona -

I am sorry for what you have been through, but I am glad that you found AS, this is an amazingly supportive place. As Ruthie said, nothing was your fault, nothing that happened to you, or your siblings.

I wonder what it was that made you start having problems with intimacy only after your children were born. I wonder because something triggered my PTSD and intimacy issues only years after I was raped/ abused.

When you feel comfortable here I would love to talk to you about it.

Welcome to AS.

Nicole

[lonley girl]

Hello Fiona

Glad you plucked up the courage to come on to AS I know it's not easy.Welcome

Edited March 3, 2005 by lonley girl

[Jyo]

Hi Fiona,

Welcome. I'm sure you'll find this a supportive place.

Jyo

[Guest fiona]

Thanks to everbody who has welcomed me, it's a lot easier writing things down than speaking to somebody face to face. Thanks for listening and bothering to reply.

[Survivors sanctuary]

Welcome to AS. I hope that this wonderful place can in someway help in your healing journey

[Charlene]

(((fiona)))

welcome to the boards

~charlene~

[Jessie]

Hi Fiona Welcome to after silence...Sorry for what you went through but you must not feel guilty about this..none of this was your fault.

My sexual relationship with my partner is not easy on my part. I just tend to go through the motions to keep him happy.

I understand totally what you mean here....I have just recently split with my boyfriend because I had so many issues that I just cannot resolve. It didn't help that my boyfriend didn't know anything about what had happened so he I suppose I never gave him the chance to understand. Does your husband know about your abuse????

Just writing it down makes me feel less stressed.

Yeah writing it is soooo helpful I have only started writing things down since I came to AS but I find it helps me enormously so yeah just keep writing if it helps

Luv Jess

[Donna]

((((Fiona))))

Welcome to After Silence honey.

[dopey]

hello fiona and welcome to AS xxx

[1dark_angel4]

hey fiona,

wow I would say that my story is very close to yours.......my step father sexually abused fomr 6 until i was 14 when he died from a heart problem.......Im only 15 now, and just told my mom and counseller.......but i worry all the time that he did it to my sisters too though im not sure and they are only 8 and 10 so i think Ill wait a little longer until I tell them or at least ask them......

"I wish i had told somebody then i would have saved them from going through what I went through"

if my sister were abused fro even a little bit which i think they were I know exactly what you mean.......I wish i told someone period, but im not sure it would've helped...........oh i would like to type more but my mother is calling me.....

please PM if you ever want to talk.....

Linz