It's Taken Several Years

[CosmicDancer]

It's taken several years to finally decide to participate here. And I do mean SEVERAL years! From my old registration e-mail, back in 2004, it looks like the site was at dancinginthedarkness.com/ipb/index.php back then. I know I had to re-register at one point, although I can't recall why, and that was in 2011.

I'm 59 and I was raped at 17. I got pregnant from it and, thankfully, had a miscarriage. However, the trauma triggered a dissociative disorder which has been chronic ever since. No, I don't have multiple personalities. It's not DID, but depersonalization and derealization. If you're not familiar with DP/DR, they're basically a loss of the feeling of reality, like feeling you're not real or your surroundings are not real.

I've never let anything stop me, though. I pursued my dreams, went to college, had an amazing career, a long marriage, and did the single best thing ever, had a wonderful daughter.

I'm disabled now due to a brain tumor, and spend most of my time at home. My house is like a fortress, complete with motion detector lights outside, and ADT on every entry point. But that's what I need to feel safe.

I'm very lucky to live in a magnificent neighborhood in a beautiful city, where peafowl roam freely--and visit my yard every day. There's nothing like a beautiful, mature peacock with his feathers fanned to remind one how awesome life really is. My patio is like an outdoor living room; I have a TV out there, I keep one of my laptops out there, and I can usually be found at my normal spot at the patio table. I feed the peafowl (frowned on by the city, so sssshhhhhh...), admire my flowers and yard, watch the hummingbirds feeding at the nectar feeder, take pictures, and even manage to get a few things done.

Edited October 7, 2014 by CosmicDancer

[spark3686]

welcome back CosmicDancer, hope you find the support you deserve here

[EmergingLight]

Welcome CosmicDancer!

[NorskyCourtney]

Welcome, CosmicDancer Good to meet you on here. I hope you find the support and understanding you're looking for

Though I'm not diagnosed dissociative, I do dissociate and depersonalize quite a bit, so I understand how that is and how it feels. Many people on this forum will get it, so you're not alone in that.

[lily23]

Welcome back cosmic dancer. It's nice too meet you.

p.s. I wish I had pea-fowl in my front yard. your neighborhood sounds lovely.

[CosmicDancer]

Thanks for the warm welcome. I'm not sure what drew me back here right now, as things in my life are more settled and "normal" than in many years. I've been toying with the idea of returning to therapy, but it almost seems like a waste of time at this point. Over the years I've spent MANY, many hours [and a ton of money!] in therapy, but nothing ever made the slightest dent in my dissociation. My depression is well controlled right now via medication, so that's not an issue. It's the DP/DR that I would dearly love to be rid of, but at 42+ years and counting, I've basically accepted that that's not in the cards.

So I don't really know why I'm here, but here I am.

[angelic]

hello Cosmic Dancer,

welcome back to After Silence, my name is Paula and I am one of the newbie support team here, if you have any issues with the board please let me know and I will do my best to help if I can

take care, Paula

[Maggielynn]

Hello Cosmic Dancer

I'm new here too, I'm 50 it's nice to know that there are other people here as young as me lol! Look forward to seeing you around.

[CosmicDancer]

Maggielynn, you know they say 50 is the new 30!

[Purplehaze]

Hi CosmicDancer. I am inspired by the beautiful safe home you have created around you! I am new here too and hope to get you more along this journey