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Living In Denial


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Hello.

I am 46 years old and I guess that you could say that I've managed most of my life to now with this little thing called denial. I've never really allowed people to see the real me. I am always wearing this mask and everything is always "ok" with me. I discovered long ago that if I stayed with routines and avoided high-stress situations, things were almost like they were normal. It hasn't been that way lately, though.

I've been fighting this dark place I've been in. I'm depressed, angry, frightened, and so very tired. Denial is not working for me anymore. I don't want to give in to this dark place, so I have made a couple of scary decisions.

The first one was joining this site. I see a repeated theme here, and that is that I am not alone. I hate that anyone has to go through this, but there is some comfort to know that there are others that can truly understand.

The second decision is I want to confide in one person that I trust. I am just afraid that I will have this major meltdown in front of her, and that terrifies me beyond anything.

I guess in a lot of ways, this is like my coming out party. I've never said those three ugly words before, but here I am, just as I am. No masks and no denial to hide behind. I was raped. I know there isn't a magic answer to any of this, but I hope that I am at least headed in the right direction.

Thanks for hearing me.

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I can really relate to u so much . I put on a perfect mask that life is so perfect ....

I had no choice but to open up from the past 4 months and its scary but it feels good and brings a lot of options and healing

This is also such a supportive forum and glad u r opening up . I have been using that word a lot to myself empowered ..I have been feeling that after speaking up more ...yes still scary at times but want to heal from everything

Fully supporting you Take Care

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Hi MBM, one of the biggest step is opening that door, getting the first words out, you have done it here,now. I know what that dark place looks like, like you I knew I wanted out, and finding my way out. Welcome to AS , you not alone.

Patricia

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Hi MeBeMary and welcome.

I just joined a few days ago and can relate to you being scared about actually verbalizing those ugly words and the story behind them. I don't have any advise but something did catch my attention as I read your post. You said you have a person you can trust. That tells me you have the ability to trust which is HUGE! I trust no one.

Hoping this community will help you (and me) along this rugged, crazy, upside-down path as we try to figure it all out.

Sending you hugs... The wind will carry them across the oceans, mountains, prairies and lakes and envelope you with all that is good and true.

I don't know you, but I do. If I saw you walking down the street I would not know you had been raped, nor would you know the same about me. We would pass each other and continue on with our lives never knowing we shared the same hidden story. Am glad we can hide no more, at least in this community.

Hoping light will shine through your dark place, nourishing your mind and body with strength to face your fears and knowledge that you can survive, thrive, and actually enjoy life.

Are you in any kind of counseling? If not, maybe that could be your next step. Ask him/her about talking to your trusted friend, how to prepare yourself for the conversation, prepare for the aftermath.

Hope I didn't break any rules with this post. It is my first welcome post and had no idea how my emotions and tears would flow so freely for MeBeMary. Just want her to know I/we are here.

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I feel like I have such a long way to go and do not really feel this empowerment everyone is speaking of. I've been hiding for such a long time and I know that I have such a long road to go. I just know I can't stay where I am now...so I am trying.

Annie2015, if you broke any rules, I took no offense. No, I'm not in counselling. Maybe I will be ready for that step at some point, but not yet. Your comment about trust resonated with me though. Trust is very difficult thing. I have very little trust for anyone or anything, especially myself. Doubts always creep in to my decisions. I do have a friend that I do trust, and maybe that is huge, but my insecurities are always trying to take over. I have to keep reminding myself I do trust her, if that makes any sense.

Thanks you all for your warm welcome and words of hope. Hope. That is a word that I do like.

Edited by MeBeMary
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Congratulations! I feel the same way, just joined today. I hope you find your new life is so much more happy and rewarding than your old one. I am truly happy for you, I am so glad to hear from you, someone else who feels that way too. I am proud and happy for you because I am proud and happy for myself. I didn't know it would feel this way. It feels like I am healing from your healing too, I know that sounds strange. I am so glad for you! Congratulations again, and welcome to your new life. Sending you strength.

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Hello.

I am 46 years old and I guess that you could say that I've managed most of my life to now with this little thing called denial. I've never really allowed people to see the real me. I am always wearing this mask and everything is always "ok" with me. I discovered long ago that if I stayed with routines and avoided high-stress situations, things were almost like they were normal. It hasn't been that way lately, though.

I've been fighting this dark place I've been in. I'm depressed, angry, frightened, and so very tired. Denial is not working for me anymore. I don't want to give in to this dark place, so I have made a couple of scary decisions.

The first one was joining this site. I see a repeated theme here, and that is that I am not alone. I hate that anyone has to go through this, but there is some comfort to know that there are others that can truly understand.

The second decision is I want to confide in one person that I trust. I am just afraid that I will have this major meltdown in front of her, and that terrifies me beyond anything.

I guess in a lot of ways, this is like my coming out party. I've never said those three ugly words before, but here I am, just as I am. No masks and no denial to hide behind. I was raped. I know there isn't a magic answer to any of this, but I hope that I am at least headed in the right direction.

Thanks for hearing me.

Welcome to AS (After Silence)!

I am glad that you have found this site as a step towards recovering from those unhealed wounds. I hope breaking the silence will help you to realize that you are so much more...that your worth is so much more...that your life is so very much more than those three words.

With support,

Activist Ally

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Hi MeBeMary,

I think a lot of people here have worn that mask.. I know I have. This is a huge step coming here... but I'm glad you were able to take it. I hope that you find the support you are looking for here. I know we are all cheering you on :)

Mandy

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Hey Mary,

Welcome to AS. Trust is so hard after being hurt. It gets hard to know which people to trust and we can even turn away from people who would be great for us because we get afraid. With these issues, yes support and not feeling alone is ever so important. I was not raped, but am a male survivor who first came out in the 90's. It was not a friendly time to be a male survivor as there were far far too many misconceptions and biases which were really unfair and i got sent packing out of recovery eventually. Being too alone with this can really hurt and yes you do need others.
I hope your friend will be good for you on issues. One thing i have learned about this is that people who have dealt

with their own issues of any type are better suited to staying with you during tough part of it than a survivor who has refused

to deal with their issues. Basically, people who avoid their own pain do not want to be reminded of it by listening to another's

pain. Best to you in finding the right people who are with their own hearts.

Be gentle with you there

Rain

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Thank you Rain.

What you say makes sense to me and does help. Yes, my friend has had issues of her own and she deals with them the best as she can. Her strength is one of the things I admire about her most (and wish I had some of). It is one of the biggest reason I think I can talk to her about this. Thank you for your perspective.

Mary

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I support you. It took 30 days in rape trauma therapy to realize it was "okay" to admit that those 3 little words were my reality. And the more I say them the stronger I feel. My best to you!! Stay strong!

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I recently had a 'coming out party' as you say and that is exactly what it felt like. I have never been able to say "I was raped" out loud and look them in the eye, so I wrote my loved ones an email. The first time I saw someone after sending the email I thought I was going to be sick. But it was OK. And each time got easier. At this point I've told everyone that needs to know and I feel tremendous relief. I can almost say that I am at peace with it now. Just two weeks ago I was crippled with PTSD. I think coming out with it and getting comfortable with this identity has done wonders for my anxiety and depression. I feel like I've escaped a burning building. Tremendous relief. And to be honest, I am awesome. I don't let those scum bag rapists define me. They are sick. Not me. Sometimes I feel their darkness and need to scramble to get away from it, but mostly I am very confident and happy. Fuck them. I'm hell bent on living well and living honest from now on. No more hiding. I wish you well in your journey. You can heal!

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Alongroad,

I hope that I can gain some of the strength you have at some point. I guess everything starts with taking that first step. I don't know if I could ever tell my family, but my plan is to start with one person. I hope as you said, it gets easier.

Everyone here is so nice, that sometimes I think that I can overcome all my fears.

Other times I just want to say this is not me. I can't say and I can't write anything. Sometimes even looking at these subject lines scare me. What if this all becomes to much? I want to heal, but even the process of healing scares me. I guess sometimes I just still feel like that lost 15 year old that thought it was easier to hide, than to face the ugly truth.

I guess the important thing is that I am trying and that I have taken that first step.

Mary

BTW Alongroad...I love the way you say you are awesome. I have a feeling that you truly are. :)

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Mary, YOU are awesome!! I was so overcome with fear just two months ago. I was in denial for well over 10 yrs and then had a terrible flashback that crippled me with PTSD. I never thought Id find my way back to my beautiful life, but I have. It was a torturous two months of soul searching but I do feel better. And for the record, I will never tell my family. I just don't have that kind of relationship with them and honestly I don't want them to blame themselves. I guess I just don't feel the need to tell them. But I've told my husband and all of my dear girlfriends. For me, those are the people that matter. I can't believe it was only 2 months ago that I was brought back to such a dark place. I felt like I was 16 and it had just happened. It was revolting and unrelenting anguish for weeks. But talking has helped! And this forum has helped. The information here will remind you that you aren't crazy. You are going to be OK. This is just a stage of healing. It's a purging of the soul. There is light at the end. Just keep marching through it. I think it's ok to get comfortable being uncomfortable. It will get better but there is a grieving process that needs to be done.

Hang tough! You can do it! Just tell one person and see how it goes. Maybe tell us your story first and see how you feel.

Sending positive vibes your way awesome lady!

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Alongroad, that you for your support and encouragement. It means the world to me.

What you say about your family and them blaming themselves is exactly why I feel I could never tell mine. My parents had allowed me to be in what turned out to be an unsafe place and two older sisters where there with me that night. I never blames them. I did blame myself at first, but I do realize there was only one person to blame, and I will never forgive him.

I hope to be able to share my whole story at some point, but for today, I think I will try to stretch myself a little more within this site. It still very scary to me, but I feel a little bit braver this morning, than I did last night.

Thanks for telling me that I am awesome, too. It feels good to hear that, and I will work on feeling that way.

Mary

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MeBeMary,

Completely understand your fear! I think it's the fear of fear sometimes. It's raging through me and don't know how to escape it. I have moments of wanting to jump on this site and moments of avoiding it all together. Keep thinking "baby steps." The stories I've read on here are hard to fathom so visiting the silly forum and others like that are easier.

Glad you found this community and truly hope it will help you in your journey. Remember that is about YOU and you get to make the choices.

I think we will get better as we wind around this craggy road. Some of the stories here prove that.

Just so you know I'll be thinking about you and please know, you are a beautiful being in this world.

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Annie, I think you are so right. Sometimes it's just fear of fear. I do come on this site a lot, but I find myself drawing near to some forums, and avoiding others. It is getting better, but it is so hard. I've been letting out some pieces of my struggle, but still I am holding in on others. I do hope I am able to share my story, but finding those words have been difficult.

I didn't know what to expect, when I found this place. I've been hiding so long, that I never expected to fit in...I've never really felt that I fit in anywhere. But reading other stories, and even trying to contribute to a post someone has written, has felt like a long awaited release. Not all our stories are the same, but they are. Our feelings, our worries...our fears, I just never thought I would ever feel not alone. That is slowly changing, and it is thanks to the people here, like you. :)

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AlongRoad U r truly AWESOME ... u r so strong and glad u have a lot of support and u spoke out ....u r so true the people that hurt u do not define u... as I say they cant be human enough to enjoy their life and u do deserve everything all the happiness which I think u r finding in ur healing process.... Sorry ur PTSD was bad before ...my symptoms acted up when I had to talk about stuff I didnt want to but pushing through

Annie I can relate to the fear thing ...Im learning to control it and just try to push through but it is hard some days which is understandable.sometimes for me I think being in that fear place was just comfortable to me and a coping mechanism ...a very unhealthy one which was not working ...so coming out of that ..it is really baby steps ....

Mebemary ...I had the mask on all my life and it crumbled few months ago and I had no choice but to start opening up and sharing stuff ....I also do bits and pieces I am getting better but it is still so tough when u r used to covering it up to protect urself .which I learned doesnt seem to be working too well for me ...but definitely speaking out I find is very freeing and I find out I do have options and support resources out there which I didnt know I had before ....I was feeling soo low for months and then one day I just had a breakthrough and since then I have been pretty stable and strong ....and I do feel empowered ....of course there r days where I go to that low and have so many fears ...but for me feeling empowered is knowing that hey I dont deserve this ...I will speak up & heal and I will fight for what I deserve . I hope it helps me heal too from my PTSD etc .....

Hope u all r having an awesome day

Take Care

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Anya...it is so strange when I find others saying something that is exactly how I am feeling, it almost seems unreal.

I have always felt alone, and when so many people here started saying I wasn't, I had my doubts. Yes, I have seen statistics and knew there where so many people out there, but none of that seemed real to me. I didn't think anyone could really understand. I am so surprised at how wrong I was. Even with the smallest of strides that I have made here, it is really more than almost a lifetimes worth. That gives me hope. That is not something that I have had in...forever.

Good luck to us all on our path of healing.

Mary

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