New - Abused By Close Friend

[tarcellproy]

Hello.

I am new here. I was recently sexually molested in my sleep by someone who I thought was a close friend. He's male (I'm female) and we've been great friends for a long time. We are both adults (20s). We had fallen asleep together, and I had no reason to suspect this would happen. He seemed like a really genuine good person.

Without going into too many details, I want to say that I was horrified that he would do this to me. I don't feel emotionally scarred or troubled by the whole experience; rather I'm confused as to why someone I thought I could trust would feel the need to do so.

He thought I was sleeping when he began to touch me all over. It had happened once before as well a few months before this, but I thought it was just a bad vivid dream. When we didn't talk about it, I just assumed everything was fine. However, this time I think he knew right away that I knew what had happened.

My first impulse was to block him from everything so I would never see him again. Instead I texted him telling him that I am cutting him off for my protection, not out of spite. He wanted to talk about what happened in person, so he come over later that night and we talked about it. I told him that I'm not mad at him, but I don't want to be friends with him. He asked who I thought he was, and I told him, "someone who would do this to me". I think he genuinely didn't know he was capable of doing what he did. He seemed incredibly broken up about it.

I don't know what to do next. That such a thing happened means that our friendship wasn't as healthy as I thought it was. I don't want to be friends with him. At the same time, I am genuinely concerned about how he is doing. This whole experience, while shocking and horrifying to me, seems to have also broken him up. Every memory we had together is now tainted by that night where he did what he did. I hate that.

Anyway, my situation seems to be unique. I haven't seen many posts relating to this.

Have any of you had similar experiences? What did you do?

[Minerba]

Hello tarcellproy, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience. I believe that what your ex-friend did was wrong. He did not ask for your consent. You are right to try to protect yourself.

You were very brave when you ended the friendship. It must have been so hard. Again, you have the right to feel and be safe.

Most women are sexually abused by someone they know. Statistics show that. We live in such a sexist society where men grow up believing that it is okay to treat women like that.

It is normal to be concerned about him and his feelings. However, he is also learning (hopefully) that what he did was wrong and will not do it again to other women.

Good for you for taking a stand.

May you be well

[Raindancer]

Hey tarcellpony, I am sorry for the pain you have from this. It happening by anyone is so bad but when you thought he really

was a great guy that hurts. Trust being broken is horrible and if someone you felt comfortable enough to sleep that close

to you must have had some pretty strong trust for him. His being broken up by it, it is easy to see why you are concerned yet at the same time you need your safety. Him feeling badly about it is one thing, yet him asking you who he thought he was maybe only about half way where he needed to be for your heart. Him coming to you with tears in his eyes and proactively saying how horrible he feels would be much better! It not having happened yet is best! Many men know it is not okay yet have issues. Many men are indoctrinated by some iffy standards. If he felt desire him getting up and saying "um need to pull away as . . . . . " that would have been best and was not what you got. You having concern for him shows a lot of heart. That heart being hurt and having trust broken in someone you trusted enough to be vulnerable to is a big ouch. I hope you get all the support you need and get to know all the types who hold make sure your trust is not only earned but kept. It will be hard to remember the friendship the way it was as this you never expected. If you can get back more to the way you were that seems the more important. Never had any experience like this as I am male but never done anything like this either despite having some frustrating times. I hope as a male you don't mind me giving you support. Seems like you need it about now. Best to you getting all the support you need. Losing friends hurts badly. Losing one like this . .. . . ouch.

Rain

[reglois]

So sorry your trust was abused by some one you thoàught you could trust if OK

[louiseroi]

I've had a very few guys in my life I could sleep with in a platonic way and know they wouldn't molest me. One was gay, another, a college friend, a bunch of us were stranded one night and all fell asleep together in a room, guys and girls, it wasn't sexual at all! I look back on that last example sometimes and I can't believe it happened, post r*** I would never trust a man, any man, again.Its sad to lose a friend but either its a case of, he thought what you had was moving to a sexual relationship and just wanted to move it along some more( unlikely, as you were asleep- weird?), or, he saw you as vulnerable and gained your trust so he could molest you and get away with it. If the latter is the case I'd suggest the tears and brokenness might be more about fear and frustration, his plan getting exposed and he can't follow through on it and you caught him out and there could be consequences.

It takes a while for the 'Oh he was never a real friend at all, it was all about that' to sink in. I was r***d by a friend which made me vow never to trust a guy, we did a lot of things together and I thought the boundaries were clear, but he was on a whole other trajectory. To some men, and society encourages it, women are like prizes, trophies, to be competed for and won, or stolen, if they lack the means to get one in a 'normal' way.Weird, dysfunctional, and what happened to feminism? I know. Mourn the loss of your friendship but I wouldn't shed any tears over him. He could have r***d you.

[Anya27]

I'm so sorry u went through that ..I just went through that with a trusted friend and it was horrible ...mine was an assault ..force threats were used and it was scary...the worst part is I felt concern still for him ..as I thought he was a friend ..its good u talked to him & were clear ..I shut down after this happened to me and am thinking of filing a report now . Stay strong u did the right thing cutting him out of Ur life as u need to heal & u dont need a friend like that.. .

Edited January 13, 2015 by Anya27

[Alongroad]

This happened to me when I was 14. I was stoned and fell asleep at my girlfriends house. Her brother also had an older friend over and throughout the night he came into our room and slowly started undressing us. The last time he came in he put his fingers between my legs. In the morning I told my girlfriend and she went out there and started screaming at him. I just sat quietly. To this day I am stunned by my reaction. The boy ended up going to juvenile hall for a couple years because he was caught molesting the kids he was babysitting. I hardly put this on my list of traumas because I felll into scarier situations later but that first one sort of set me up for being thinking 'boys will be boys'. It's really messed up and I'm sure if he were a friend it would be that much more violating. So sorry you went through that.

Edited January 13, 2015 by Alongroad

[sunshinee]

Hello Tarcellproy,

Welcome to Aftersilence.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I was abused by someone I trusted as well. Trust once broken- is very hard to get back. I can see you want to know how he is doing, but do take care of yourself too. He broke your trust- not once but twice. Honestly when he did it-- he wasn't forced- he had a choice to make. And he made it.

There are a lot of people here who do get assaulted by someone they trusted. Sometimes I think about my abuser too, but I chose not to see him because it was harming my healing.

Mandy

[imperfect]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I, too, was assaulted by someone I trusted. I think you're not alone (RAINN cites that 38% of r***s were by someone the victim knew--friend or acquaintance). Love and hugs from my end of the world. All I can offer if that I understand how you feel.

Edited January 16, 2015 by imperfect

[reglois]

if OK Imperfect