New And Wanting To Heal

[Abluebell]

Hello ALL!

I've been to group meetings before however, usually no one shows up, so I thought I'd give this a try. I'm a survivor (someday's I still consider myself a victim) of 16 years of sexual abuse. From the time I can remember until I was 16 years my father taught me to be his, "it's safer" he would say. He passed away a couple of years ago and I was there by his side. I told him I forgave him Now, here I am with bouts of depression, where I don't want to leave my couch. I have a closet full of clothes I bought, but only wear what people give me. I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM, because for years I was what he wanted me to be. It's been quite a while since the abuse stopped, but I had to fight for it. I am graduating with my second degree this month and I miss school. I miss having structure, because that is the only way I motivate myself. I am not sure on what to do now.

So hello everyone. I hope you all are having a pleasant morning. AND keeping warm

[reglois]

if OK

[Pressword]

I'm new too

[fallenstar]

Hi Abluebell and Pressword. Welcome, the both of you, to After Silence!

[angelic]

hello and welcome to After Silence,

my name is Paula and I am one of the newbie support team here, I hope you are finding your way around the board okay, please let me know if you need any help with anything and I will do my best to help

take care,

Paula

[Raindancer]

That hurts when you are appreciated and only counted for what you are to someone elses needs, and especially to someone elses pretty sick needs. Where did you fit in? No wonder you have a hard time having a sense of self if you weren't allowed that. I am sorry that not only were you hurt but that in addition you were kept from being you. The you there is there you can find there. Though the structure that others impose can help and there is always structure out there, i wonder if maybe it also helps in that the direction your own heart would show you to take. I hope you find structure that is imposed from within, you and who you are as you heal and grow. For forgiveness, if you find on some days you do not feel it, please please do not be too hard on yourself. One of the worst ouches i have had is from someone that absolutely insisted they forgave their abuser, In the denial, so much got displaced. If you actually have, is all good as hatred is a hurt and burden. At the same time, if you feel anger at times and even a lack of forgiveness, please be easy on you. You have had far too many prices already without making yourself pay yet more for having human feelings. It was many years of hurt. Please feel no need to rush feelings that benefit another who hurt you so much ... . For me, there are some I do not hope to forgive. It is a gift to me. It can be selfish if i insist on it. If it is out of line with what was done, that is for them to find. With you, what was done was way out of line though and whatever feelings come up, i hope you find support and love you need to carry you the best direction through them.

be safe, find safe

[nycgirl]

Hi Abluebell

Welcome to After Silence

I am also relatively new,

I am sorry to read about the abuse from your father.

Now that he is passed away, you need to work on the present.

Congratulations on getting your second degree.

I also have to agree with you, structure in my daily life is very beneficial to my mental health.

My Depression in the past was so severe that I wanted to end my life.

I HAD suffered Major Depression for years, but today it is easily treated with medication and therapy.

I never thought that I would ever escape from it, but with some new medication, it has helped me dramatically.

I know that you have probably heard it before, but you may want to seek Professional Mental Health Care.

This Workbook may also be helpful for you.

Action Planning for Prevention and Recovery

http://store.samhsa.gov/shin/content//SMA-3720/SMA-3720.pdf

This is a very helpful Guide/Workbook.

Guide’s people with mental illness or disability in developing an action

plan for prevention and recovery. Addresses wellness, daily maintenance,
triggers, early warning signs, signs that things are breaking down, and crisis
intervention.

Thank you for reaching out for Support.

Sending you Support, you CAN Heal and Recover

[cmv]

All so helpful, I am new also it has been many years since I was my Uncles victim, I have the trouble of triggers that cause me to relive "flashbacks" the worst is that I tell my mom as a young girl and she did nothing about it, "her own

Fear of what my Dad would do" I tell her I forgive her but I cannot understand her way ???? Anyway thanks to this site maybe I can begin.

[reglois]

CMV if OK

[Augusta]

I just wanted to say I'm new here as well. I'm sorry your father was like that. Unfortunately mine was the same way. I'm looking to connect with others who understand the betrayal.