Hi.. I'm New..

[Orkid]

Hello, im new here i go by the name Orkid after a favorite orca whale at SeaWorld California.

I was sexually abused by 4 different people (father, stepfathers friend, stepfathers brother & classmate in high school) through out my younger years. I'm 26 and been in therapy now for almost 4 years now. I still think it was somewhat my fault.. part of me knows it wasnt but some other part still says it was. When i finally told 3 years ago i feel things have gotten worse with myself.. like it spilled out all over the place and sometimes i think i would have been better off holding it in and taking it to my grave.

98% of the time i feel alone so i spend a lot of time online

[Guest hurtingforever]

Sweetie,

It was not your fault. I know I am a hypocrite when I say it, because I still think it is my fault for what my brother did to me. I am glad that you found After Silence. Take your time. You are not forced to post anything you don't want to.

I am here for you, we all are.

Lindsay D

[Donna]

(((((Orkid)))))

Welcome to AS honey, im sorry that you have to be at aboard such as this one but i am glad that you were able to find us. Post as much as you would like or read whatever just know that you are anot alone and that we are here for you anytime.

(((((safe hugs)))))

Donna =)

[Survivors sanctuary]

Welcome to AS, I know its hard to believe that it wasn't your fault, but honest it wasn't .. Stay safe and always remember that this is a safe place to be around .. I hope that it can help even if in only a tiny way ..

[-Nicole-]

Welcome Orkid

Many of us struggle with self blame and doubts, you are certainly not alone in this. I hope in time, you will see that you are not the one at fault for what happened to you. There is much excellent support here.

Welcome again,

Nicole

[Charlene]

hope being here helps your healing journey

ps - i love your siggy btw

[1dark_angel4]

Hi Orkid,

I still blame myself for what happened to me sometimes...my father also abused me...I'm sorry for what happened to you and I know what your going through about telling anyone was even a good idea...but I'm glad you found AS and I am here for you as is everyone eles.

~Lindsay

[sonic]

Welcome to AS Orkid

None of what happened to you was your fault but I too know only too well how easy it is to blame ourselves for what happened.

We're here for you hon - take your time but know that we're willing to listen if you ever want/need to talk.

Big hug

Sonic xx

[tealight rookie]

Hey Orkid...

Welcome to AS. I hope that you will find it a place of healing and support. I know I have.

And sweetie, I know it's so easy to blame ourselves, but nothing that happened was your fault.

Take care,

Ruthie

[Heavensent]

Welcome Orkid,

Your were very brave to tell, and get help so early. I was almost 40, when my daughter was abused by my husband, that is when I stopped being guilty and started being angry, and realized I needed help, as well as my daughter. I hope that we can be of some support to you. We all deal with the guilt and blame issue. When I was about 10 years old, a little boy (3 years old) in the neighborhood was sitting on my lap, he looked at me and said "gon gimme tum" I was shocked, almost dropped him, but not before I spanked him on his bottom and told him not to do that again. I said "where did you get that from"? Anyway I'm saying that to say this if I was old enough at ten or eleven to know that that baby needed correcting, certainly these grown-ups who are parents, or who are older, therefore have authority over us should know better than to take advantage of what are supposed to be trusting relationships. Sometimes it is easier to blame ourselves than to realize that the evil people in this world have relatives and friends, and they could be us.

I know it is hard for you right now, but don't give up, it does get better.

Take your time, and take care of yourself. You are not to blame.

[longsleeves]

Hey Orkid.

Just wanted to say welcome and that you found the write place. The guilt you feel, and I'm sure the other emotions you feel but haven't written about, are familiar to us all. As the others have said, it is not your fault, and even as we say that, we still deal with the self-blame struggle. It's ongoing and hard, but it's proven to be not impossible! I'm sorry for what you've experienced, and by so many people, may you find comfort here.

Also, I LOVE you username! I saw it and right away hopes that's where you got it from! Yeah, I love whales!

Love, LS

[lost_and_alone]

Orkid.......

welcome to AS .. hope you will soon feel comfortable and safe here..

great bunch of lovely people who will soon make you feel at home...

[mariposa]

Welcome to AS I'm sorry you feel like it was your fault, all i can say is that i know for sure that IT WASN'T. I hope your healing gets you there,

Daniela.

[violets8]

Welcome Orkid. I am glad you found us. Guilt and shame are 2 things that many of us here deal with. For me I think I hold onto the guilt and shame because it had to be my fault because people aren't that evil so I must have done something. Getting angry is hard I haven't done it yet. Well welcome again hopefully you will find AS to be as helpful as I have.........Michelle

[dopey]

welcome to the boards orkid,

i understand how you feel. sometimes i feel like i shouldve taken it to my grave aswell..it wasnt your fault sweetie...

i hope this place helps you. its sure helped me

take care luv dopey xxx

[_Still_Here_]

Well, now you can spend time online and not feel alone... because we're all here with you! I know how alone it can get sometimes. Just know that you aren't alone, especially not here. There are so many people who know how you feel and are here to be by your side through everything.

Glad you found it here!

~*Tori*~

[Saz]

Hiya Orkid,

I'd love to go and see the whales and I love the name . I'm very sorry that you have been through such bad experiences, but you don't need to feel alone anymore. I spend a lot of time online too and this place really helps to stop the feeling of isolation / lonliness

Welcome to AS.

Saz x