I Feel So Lost, And I Finally Wandered Back

[Ellaneese]

I haven't really posted much at all in MONTHS. I've had such a hard time posting or even accepting that my resurfacing memories were anything more that a really bad dream.

I needed to get away from it, and I managed to put it out of my mind, but without talking about it it seems to have crept up upon me, and attcked when I leat expected it.

I need to come back though. I need support. I am now offically a "secondary survivor" as well. My husband started to remember things. I suspected for awhile, but I didn't know. It makes me so mad. It seems so unfair that he would have to go through what he did, and he finally started to open up about some of his deepest most heartwrenching childhood emotions. Emotions that I know all too well.

I have a million emotions, the biggest is that I want to hide and cry, but at the same time I want to rip the throat out of whoever did that to the only person who has ever truly loved me in my life.

I feel so angry!!! I feel so hurt!!! I feel like life simply cannot be fair. Why? Why did it have to happen to him?!!? Of all the people in the world...why him? Take me a million more times but please, not him.

I want to take the little boy he was and hold him close, and just protect him, and I feel so afraid, I mean, I feel like somehow him being attacked makes him less of a protecor, like he's a victim and not a guardian, I NEED to be protected, and now i feel so vulnerable, and I feel ashamed for feeling that.

I don't know how to help him, and still recieve the strength from him that I need.

I know that when it first hits you, you can't really do much, you just FEEL. and I need support, and a shoulder to cry on because I hurt both for him and myself now.

I just feel so scared.

Sorry I didn't mean to go on like that. I guess I really needed to come back.

any replies would be so helpful to me, just to know that you heard me, to know that I am not alone. Thanks.

Ellaneese

[Ardatha]

(((Ellenese)))

Hon, would it help to realize that what you're feeling about his abuse are pretty much the same things as he's been feeling about yours? Just as you've grown stronger as a result of being a survivor, so has he. His strength is the same now as it was before you found out. You can still rely on it. And you can be his strength, too. You are in a unique position here. Having survived your own abusive situation you are more aware of what he needs as a survivor. I don't know if anything I've said here has helped but I heard what you were asking and tried to respond. Take care of yourself and your husband. I'm sure he will do the same. Keep in touch.

Ardatha

[dopey]

hello sweetie,

im glad you have posted.....

i am sorry that you are having to go through all of thi spain and also i am sorry that you have recently found out you are also a secondry survivor. it must be very hard for you....and for your husband.

i think ardatha is right when she says you are in a unique position. you are both able ot understand each others situation that little bit better and hopefully you can both help out each other and your relationship can grow stronger and stronger...

wishing you both the best of luck in your healing....

please keep posting if it helps,

take care,

dopey

xxx

[Ellaneese]

Ardatha, Dopey Thanks

I apreciate your thoughts

Ellaneese

[Heavensent]

Ellaneese,

My husband and I are both survivors. We have known each other for six years, married for five years. We were both in therapy for approximately 5 years. I was married twice before, and he was married once. We have a very good marriage. Sometimes he is extremely sensitive and needs understanding, and sometimes I am depressed and need understanding. The thing is to be there for each other. You may find that it might help you, as obviously listening to you has helped his ghost to surface. You cannot go through for him what he has already gone through anymore than he can go through for you what you have already gone through. You can listen, when he needs that. You can hold him when he needs that, you can learn what his triggers are, and try to avoid them. Sometimes you will both be strong together, but there will be times also when you are both weak. Those are the times when this forum is good for me. Just remember that you love him, and remember your marriage vows.

I too get very angry when I think about what people do to each other, especially what older people do to children, or what stronger people do to weaker ones. Each survivor has to feel their own anger. have their own flashbacks, suffer as only they can suffer, then experience healing that makes us stronger, wiser, and better than before. If you would suffer for him, remember you will do more good if you instead comfort him.

Sorry to go on so long, I hope something I have said will help. It does get better.

Laray

[Survivors sanctuary]

I don't really think I can think of anything to say other than welcome back ... I hope that it helps you both .......

[mariposa]

I'm so glad to hear from you again. I'm really sorry you are going through such rough times. Please don't be ashamed of what you are feelings, all your feelings are valid, you need to feel protected.

Just wanted to let you know i'm here,

Daniela.

[Clarissa]

just wanted to say welcome back. Sorry for all that you are going through. Let us know how we can be here for you best. Take gentle care.

love clarissa