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Tired Of Feeling Afraid And Alone


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I'm a survivor of child abuse and rape, and I've also been in recovery for an eating disorder. I spent several years working on ED issues and thankfully have found a great deal of peace on that front. But recently I've figured out that I'm not able to move forward in my recovery because of what happened to me as a child. I've started reading a book about recovery from sexual abuse & it's been an emotional roller coaster ever since! This week I had a really upsetting experience with a married friend of mine, who I've known for years. He crossed the line with me & I feel so betrayed! I'm grateful that I have enough of a voice now to set a boundary, but I'm angry that I was put in that position. And it also makes me feel like my fears about men, about the need to stay invisible to protect myself from them, are valid. Intellectually I know that not all men are like that, but emotionally I really struggle to feel safe. Sometimes I freak out in the grocery store because a guy gets too close to me. I just want to heal and not feel so afraid all the time. I'd hoped to find some kind of support group in my city, but haven't had any luck so far. I'm really glad to have found this site & grateful in advance for any support/strength people here have to share!!!

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Hello Jenn,

Welcome to AS. I'm very sorry for your trauma, but this is a supportive and safe site. It is a roller coaster, what we go thru, a roller coaster none of us decided to get on. I'm sorry for what happened with that married so-called friend. It's not easy trusting, but when you do and get betrayed by that person, it makes it more difficult to trust. I'm glad you had a voice, and I believe your voice will continue to grow here. Mine has. I wish you luck on finding a support group on the outside, but know this community will walk with you on your healing journey.

Mary

:youcanheal:

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Reading is good but i believe writing out your thoughts is very important. It does not have to be in order, it dosen't have to "make sense"... just speak from the heart

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Thank you Mary! It has been very hard to trust others, especially men. And the more I've processed what happened yesterday, the angrier I've felt & realized that this guy is no friend of mine. Makes no difference how long we've known each other or how 'nice' he seems to be most of the time. I'm still learning how to place the blame where it belongs, and not to take anyone else's for myself.

ihopetosave--I agree that writing is very powerful! I journal most every day, and I'm also a musician--so I write a lot of songs, which is incredibly cathartic for me! The reading has been helpful because it's shedding light on places I've been too scared to look at before now. But it's been VERY slow going, like only a few pages every couple of days. When I try to do more that that, I'm overwhelmed by the emotions. And I've also been having pretty upsetting dreams since starting the book. I'm planning to go back to see my T very soon. Just feeling anxious about what may come up.

Thanks so much for the support!! It means a lot =)

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Hi Jenn,

My name is Jan, and I am a member of the New Member Support Team. I just wanted to take the time to say welcome to After Silence.

I hope that you find comfort and support here. I am glad that you have joined with us and know that you will find others to connect with to build a support system. I'm so sorry that you had to face this circumstance recently. Good for you that you were able to stand your ground!

If you need anything or have questions about the boards or how something works, please send me a personal message. I will gladly help in any way possible.

Take good care,

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