Hi There...

[~emma~]

My name is Emma, i'm 21 and from New Zealand. I have recently gotten out of a relationship where my boyfriend (he was 27...) was treating me bad - emotionally and sexually abusing me....

We were together at the start of the year, and he was very protective of me, hated me mentioning other guys, even my sisters fiancee - or cousins... He didn't break up with me, just stopped contacting me, and disappeared off the face of the earth.. took a couple of months, but i was able to move on.

I got into another relationship, and taht ended after about 2 months... and I then decided that i wnated to see where Justin was at, so sent him a text message... and next thing I knew, we were sleeping together again, and back in a 'relationship'. He was very jealous that i'd been with this other guy - while we were apart (and i had presumed broken up), and he told me i deserved to be punished... i had confessed to him a lot earlier in our relationship at the start of the year, that I wanted to experiment with different bedroom personas, although we never got to that.... anyway i just presumed he was joking around, and it was part of a game...........

to cut a long story short, he forced me to perform sexual acts on him in public - not in front of ppl but in a situation where we *could* get sprung, and he had sex with me in these places too..... i couldn't say no, and for a start it *was* fun and exciting...... however whenever i saw him, it tended to follow the same pattern... him TELLING me to do such and such to him, then TELLING me to get into a particular position so he could have sex with me, and always in public places (once public toilets at a park, a couple of times in parking lots, once on a kiddies playground...).....

He would never refer to me in the way a boyfriend should (in my opinoin) - he told me that I was his sl*t, his wh*re, that I was trash, i was worthless, that no one could love me, that i was fat and stupid, but taht i was HIS....... stupidly when he said i was 'his' i felt special.. like i meant something to him.... he told me to refer to him as master - so to 'play along' i would call him master - not realising that he infact, was SERIOUS about this....

Whenever he did any of this, i thought it was just a game - that deep down he loved me, as i was in love with him.......

Things got scary for me one night when we met in town after going clubbing, and he asked me to go home with him.. we got to the parking lot of a supermarket, and he repeated his little routine.. then when we got to his house, he asked if i even DESERVED to sleep in his house, in his bed, and ordered me to perform x y and z sexual activities on him - by then i was too scared to say no, even though one thing in particular really disgusted me, and was horrible..... when he'd had enough of that, he asked if i deserved to see him naked, and if i deserved for him to have sex with me....... he was so rough, and half way through rougghly rolled me over, and penetrated me anally - another one of his 'must haves', which i had put up with, but this particular night, he really hurt me, and i was so close to tears, he wouldn't stop, but told me he'd slow down for me.. then made some comment like "see i must care about you"........... when he was finished he told me to get out of bed and turn the light off, and that i'd have to get up at 8am and leave.......... for some reason i was fine with this, i accepted it.... i lay in bed beside him that night shaking, and scared, and unsure what had just happeend....

A couple of weeks later me, him, his best friend and my best friend went to a rugby game, and he was lovely, affectionate, caring, gave me a nice kiss goodbye - i hoped maybe he'd changed.... the next week he started texting my best friend, and a few days later, she broke down and told me that he had feelings for her, and wnated to be with her...... hearing this i told him he could have her and broke it off with him...... a day later he text me saying "how did it feel when i was hitting on kate? not very nice is it? how'd you think i felt when you were cheating on me with stu?" - he'd done it just to 'pay me back' - when i hadn't cheated on him wtih Stu, I had thought we were broken up - surely his 3 months of no contact made it clear to me.....

It was a couple of days later i passed a place we'd had 'sex' one time, and all of a sudden i had flashbacks, and started thinking that maybe what he'd done was classified as abuse.... i broke down and told Kate about it - my best friend, and she was disgusted, and told me she had wonered if he would be like that, because of a few things he'd said to her while 'hitting' on her..............

now i'm confused nad lost, and don't know what to think.... sometimes i think i'm fine, and then next thing i'm in tears and having flashbacks, and feeling so....... used and victimised........

i'm sorry this is long, but i had to get that out.. iv'e kept it very much to myself.......

thank hyou for reading,

emma

[-Nicole-]

Welcome Emma

Welcome to AS, you have certainly come to the right place. Please continue to post as you feel comfortable. You will find much support here, I know I have.

You certainly went through a horrible abusive relationship with this "man". What a horrible ordeal hon...I am glad you survived that. I too was once in an abusive relationship so I understand how you felt about thinking he would change, or had changed if he showed some affection, even for a minute. You may have a lot of confusion over you feelings on this. Healing from something like this takes time, somedays you may feel better than others, some days you may feel like you are "fine".

Welcome again, best luck on your healing journey. You are no longer alone.

Nicole

[Heavensent]

Welcome Emma,

Sorry you had to experience what you did. Glad you found this forum. People here are very supportive. Many women feel that it is very important to please a man, even if what pleases him is displeasing to them. Love does not want to hurt, belittle or abuse the object of their love. You are very wise to know that you have been abused, and you have a right to be hurt and angry. I am glad that you realize that what he did to you was not right. You never deserve to be punished by the one who is supposed to be loving you. The trick he used was to keep you trying to please him.

Post as much and as often as you like. It does take a while to get over things like you have experienced. Take care and be good to yourself.

[Donna]

((((Emma)))))

Welcome to AS sweetie.. :hug:

:hug:

Donna =)

[~emma~]

thank you all for your support, it is nice to know that i'm not alone in this, although i wish none of us had to be here to begin with......

I'm goign to get counselling next year when I start at university, because i can't afford it rigth now, esp at this time of the year... Counselling at uni is free, and hopefully they can refer me to someone who can help me more specifically with the abuse....

I feel stupid that it took me so long to realise that what he was doing to me was wrong, but at the same time, i'm relieved that I didn't leave it longer...

I'm so glad i've found this forum....

Emma xx

[Catherine]

Welcome to our group Emma.

LOve Catherine

[Survivors sanctuary]

Welcome to AS ...I hope that this wonderful place can help you on your healing journey ..

[~emma~]

so far it is wonderful, and everyone is great..... Posting is bringing back a lot of memories for me, but i know that it isn't necessarily a bad thing.. that we have to face our demons, to beat them....

[Charlene]

welcome to the boards,

lots of hugs and wishes

[Lindy]

((((Emma))))

Welcome to After Silence, sweetness!

[Guest lost]

Welcome to AS. I'm sorry that happened to you but I'm so glad you got away

hugs

Kathy