Can I Ever Redeem Myself?

[broken shell]

A long time ago, when I was about 13, I did something I will forever regret, but I guess I should maybe start at the beginning.

When I was younger - about 4 or 5 years old, I was at a playpark near my grandparents house with my brother, who was 6 or 7 at the time. We were approached and then chased by a couple of teenagers from a nearby estate. My brother, being older, was fast enough to run away and make a break for my grandparents house. But I wasn't so lucky.

They dragged me into some nearby bushes and stripped me and ridiculed me.

Eventually they let me go, just in time for my parents to arrive. But by this time, they had run away.

I believe I have dealt with the assault, as I can think about it without fear and have faced everything it brought me head-on. So this post is not for sympathy, nor do I deserve it.

When I got older, I was babysitting for neighbours. Their daughter was about 4 years old. She was and is one of the loveliest little girls I have ever met, and she would tell people I was her boyfriend.

This is very hard for me to talk about, for sheer shame. But touched her one night while she was asleep.

I did not abuse her in any way. It was mostly out of curiosity about the female body than anything else, and I was just curious to see. I did not wake her up, and I stopped a minute later when I realised what I was doing.

But I don't think I will ever get past what I did. I since vowed never to babysit, and stopped all the volunteer work I was doing with youth groups because I scared myself so much.

I can't believe what a fool I was to do to someone else the same kind of thing that was done to me.

Anyway, there is my story. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. I have never ever thought about doing anything of the kind since - it is not the kind of person I am, or want to become.

But I think it's about time I spoke about it.

Thanks for your ears.

Broken Shell

[Stefka]

Firstly Broken Shell I am so sorry for what happened to you when you were 4/5 years old. What a horrible and frightening experience that must have been. I am glad that you feel you have dealt with it and that it no longer causes you fear.

Secondly I think that you were very brave to post about the incident when you were baby sitting. Making yourself vulnerable like that can not have been easy. But as you say it is probably something you need to speak about.

My thoughts on what you describe are this - touching a child whether awake or asleep is abuse. I do think it is important that you acknowledge this. However apart from this you do seem to have taken responsibility for your actions. Stopping your contact with children was a wise move, even if another incident had never occurred it wasn't - as you seem to have realised - not a risk worth taking. If it is not the person you want to become then you probably won't become that person. You certainly seem to be working hard to make sure that this is the case.

Seeking help and support for this incident as well as for the assualt you suffered yourself as a child is an important step and you should feel proud for taking it.

Take care

Stefka

[broken shell]

Stefka,

Thankyou so much for your reply. I know, and knew then that what I did was wrong. And I do take full responsibility for my actions. There's nothing I can say to justify it, and I fully believe that no matter what circumstances someone has been through, they are always able to decide on their actions.

I know I am fine to be around children, as I have never - even at that time - felt any sexual feelings towards them. I just hate that I basically abused my position, and that I put myself in a situation where I could have hurt the girl mentally. I certainly did not have any intention to do anything sexual.

Each time I have posted or messaged on this board, I find my hands shaking pretty bad as it does really scare me to talk about this. I have only ever told one person - a friend who I always know will not judge me for my actions, and someone who was also abused when he was young... It turned out he also did something similar when he was younger, and it made us both stronger to be able to share our feelings about what happened.

I guess there are some things we both did when we were finding out about ourselves and our sexuality that we had never wanted to talk about. But you're right - it is a healing process, and there are things that we had done that we needed to accept were wrong, and things we needed to understand were not wrong.

I understand that some people on the board will feel very strong feelings towards me for what I did, and I feel a need to apologise to them as well for what I did. It was never my intention to hurt anyone, though I think I hurt myself worst of all.

Some things are learnt through experience, and some through teaching. I would never wish this experience on anyone - on either side.

I may post later on my story from my childhood, though I'm not sure I am ready to talk about it. I think it may just take a little more courage.

Thanks again for your post.

broken shell

[Moony]

Broken Shell,

I would like to say that I think you're incredibly brave for coming on this site and posting what you have. Honestly, I have never seen this in the time I have been posting on this site, or any site like this. You have a hell of a lot of courage to be able to do that, and I respect you a great deal for coming out and saying that you did this, and feel something about it.

I don't know how old you were when the incident occurred, meaning the one with the girl you were babysitting. It sounds to me like you were possibly a teenager. I am sure that you know that those who have been abused sometimes abuse as children themselves...and a teenager is still a child, basically. It's a natural consequence of abuse at times, though highly unfortunate, and is a way for the victim to contend with the intense feelings of shame that result from having once been so powerless under another's violence and sexual aggression, and so dehumanized. So, what I'm saying is, what you went through was what caused it, obviously, and the natural way you feel toward it (that being, shame and remorse) is simply proof that you're a good person who is capable of seeing right from wrong. So, you're not so broken afterall, Broken.

I hope you do keep posting; I think you'll find a great deal of compassion here for what you have experienced. I was abused by my father from an early age. Although I never acted it out in quite the same way as you describe (on humans), there were times I did things as a boy for which I am highly remorseful, such as harming animals with violence. It amounts to the same kind of mechanism...that being, identifying with the abuser through my own actions, and expressing my rage in highly destructive ways. You're not alone in having been affected in this way. This happens a lot, no doubt.

I learned as I recovered in my early adulthood that one of the hardest parts of being abused, if not the hardest, is what you turn into as a result in certain circumstances...what you have been at certain times. Of course, life is a long process, and we are never one thing only, which is what you are proving by talking about your experience and your willingness to change your life and actions. You are not stuck in that spot, Broken, and you are obviously a living example of that. You should be proud about just how much you have overcome. It takes a lot of guts and moral strength to climb out of that kind of hell.

Anyway, I wanted to say, good for you. And please keep posting.

- Moony

Edited July 19, 2005 by Moony

[dodo]

welcome to AS broken

karen

[~Catherine~]

Welcome to After Silence

~Catherine

[tealight rookie]

Welcome to AS sweetie. I hope you find good support here

(and I love your avatar by the way)

Ruthie

[Jessie]

Welcome to After Silence Broken Shell Luv Jess

[Charlene]

welcome to the boards :hug: :hug:

~charlene~