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Hi, I'm Finally Ready To Talk.


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Hello Everyone,

I guess this has been a long time coming. I'm 36 and finally trying to deal with things that happened to me when I was a child. I always knew, always remembered, but somehow managed to avoid examining it. I didn't even tell my therapist when I was battling agoraphobia. It's like it never occurred to me that childhood sexual abuse could have shaped me, influenced things I say and things I feel, all the way through my life and to this very day. I finally told my boyfriend, who is loving and supportive and awesome, and he told me that he always knew that something awful must have happened to me, something he didn't already know... it's like he could see it somehow. This made me wonder if everyone could see that something terrible was wrong with me.

I feel like the abuse I suffered has influenced me in terms of panic attacks and the nameless dread that used to come with them. I think I have finally found a reason for that awful feeling- it's like a light went on. Why had I never thought of it before? Why didn't I realize that that horrible, dark, guilty, ugly feeling was left over from my childhood? I now realize that the nameless dread had nothing to do with me, and that I'm under no obligation to feel it in response to my brain's random 'flight or fight' meltdowns.

I think maybe I'm here to work on talking about my abuse. So few people know, and those who did know made light of it at the time...I've never had much of an audience for this sort of thing. But I want to work it out and get rid of it. I don't think just telling my boyfriend was enough (though it did cause me to realize many important things). In addition to sexual abuse, I also suffer from endometriosis with aggressive adhesions, and I'm facing surgery #4 soon. I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands while I recover, so why not use it to heal more than my incisions?

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I also for the fist time told my husband all of the details, It helped but also left me with the feeling that it was an unfinished part of my life that i wanted to finally be able to shut the door on, and talking helps, repition equals mastery, the best way to gain control over it is to tell your story over and over until you no longer relive it as you speak it. I hope things get easier for you

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Hello Lisbeth

welcome to After Silence, my name is Paula , one of the newbie support team here,. I hope you are finding your way around the board, but if you need any help, please contact me

take care, Paula

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Thanks, Abbie and Paula.

What happened to me wasn't nearly so horrific as things others have lived through; in comparison it seems so minor... so why is it so hard to talk about? I've been asking myself that question for ages and am no closer to an answer.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...

Welcome!

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