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  1. Past hour
  2. missfrier

    Hello

    Dear yahui I am sorry for all that you have been through. You have been so brave in reaching out to us, please know that this is never easy! We are all here for you and we want to support you. You're not alone in your healing journey and are always welcome to lean on us for extra support. You can post as much or as little as you like. We are here to support you in the way you need. I have found this community to be very helpful. Everyone is so understanding and non-judgmental and I am hoping you feel the same way once you've gotten to know us a little.  All my best, missfrier
  3. Yesterday
  4. 8888

    Hello

    Welcome @yahui to After Silence. I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support. Good job taking this step in your healing process. You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. I am not married but enough people here are so if you post a thread about it you should get some replies. Take your time exploring and post when you are ready. If you have any questions feel free to message me.
  5. I feel ashamed and gross and dirty today...healing has so many ups and downs and this down is particularly rough ☹️

  6. samantha2009

    Hello

    @yahui hello and welcome to After Silence. I am sorry to hear of the pain and trauma that brought you here, but we are all glad you found us. I hope This site can help you realize you have support and you are not alone in the pain you feel. My name is Samantha I am 28. I am also married, so I may have some marriage advice! I hope you find what you are looking for here Yahui. sam
  7. yahui

    Hello

    Hi everyone. I am not native speaker, sorry for my English. I am 25, married and a Phd student in my country. I became a survivor last year. I need some advice for my marriage and my life. I am sure I will find what I want here. Thank you for all of you!
  8. Lorettia

    The Training

    And so it begins. Still young, yet innocence begins to fade. One little girl struggling to exist to understand to find her place, her frustration overwhelming. Beth takes her overwhelming emotions, and pours them out over Lorettia. Lorettia is smaller, weaker, unable to fight back, the perfect receptacle for Beth's overwhelming emotions, frustration and anger. At first it's verbal only, shouting, mean words. Quickly it escalates. A smack, a slap, arms wrenched. Lorettia runs, tries to escape. Again and again. 8, 10, 12. Words exchanged. Beth learns to swear, continues to grow stronger. Lorettia is small, fierce in her own way, she tries to use words to hurl back, to stand up. She calls Beth the devil. Beth explodes, cursing, raging. Two girls, still little but with big hurts. By now Lorettia runs at the first sign of anger. How fast can she go? Will she make it to safety this time, bathroom door locked? Or will Beth catch her, smash her head into the wall, wrap her hands around her throat? A cycle is cemented. Two sisters play, have fun. Tension lies beneath the surface. Lorettia never knows when Beth will switch. Good, good, good, explode. Sometimes the tension of the good and waiting is too much. Lorettia pokes at Beth, just to get the explosion over with. 10, 12, 14. Dawn is still there, but still separate. from the world for two. Beth and Lorettia, entwined. They keep each others secrets, closest but oh so dangerous. Lorettia stops eating, struggle with friends at school. Her one friend, her closest bestie, leaves her. Lorettia tries a new group, maybe here she will fit? Boys form a line, "No body likes you, they just pretend, go away." Alone. School hurts, home hurts, church hurts. Always alone. Any attention, good or bad, Lorettia is desperate. Violence escalates. Beth makes a mistake. She doesn't realize Dad is home. Smashes Lorettia into the pantry cupboard. Lorettia hits the ground, dazed. Dad's chair smacks upright. What? Beth freezes. Dad sends her to her room. Lorettia feels a sliver of hope, Daddy knows, maybe now she'll be safe. Nothing changes. Not for better. Beth amps up. More careful now. Lorettia knows it'll never stop. Nothing will change. Only hope is to do everything Beth asks, and run as fast as possible. She learns how to figure out if she has a concussion, and keep herself awake when she does. This is life. Two girls trapped in the cycle. 12, 14, 16. The littlest girl. Lorettia is still small. Middle School. Cigarettes and alcohol. Diet Pepsi and carrots are lunch. Small, but not small enough. New friends. Good and bad. Home is the same. Beth is stronger, more violent. Rapid cycles. We don't know it yet, but ADHD has been joined by bipolar. No one recognizes the signs. Beth is flying high and low, bad choices, overwhelming emotional swings. Lorettia receives it all. One time Lorettia is fast enough, locks the bathroom door. Sits on the counter, panic attack, fear. Beth smashes the door, the crack of wood is deafening. Both are shocked. Beth disappears. Lorettia shakes, what if that door was me? 14, 16, 18. The last year all three are at home. Dawn is in college, even more separate than before. Beth still full of ravaging emotions, no way to regulate. Either through the roof happy or in the pit down. Anger reigns in both. Lorettia enters high school. First real boyfriend. He's bipolar. Any intimacy equals him hitting, hurting himself. Lorettia starts to cut. Depression overwhelms. There seems to be no way out of the unhealthy cycle. Everyone struggles, no where feels safe. Everything is out of control. Eating and cutting provide control for Lorettia, a place where she inflicts the pain, punishes herself for every wrong word said, any perceived imperfection. Dawn goes away for college. Mom and Dad leave for a cruise with Grandma and Grandpa. Beth and Lorettia (17, 15) left at home alone. Panic, fear. In desperation Lorettia goes to the school counselor. Suicidal. Gets admitted to the psych ward. Safe. What a crazy place to be safe. Lorettia is able to relax. Her counselor is unimpressed, doesn't think Lorettia belongs there, she doesn't understand the danger at home, alone with Beth. 16, 18, 20. Dawn is still away at college. Beth has moved out to live with a boyfriend. Just Lorettia and her parents. Relief, but now she is stuck in her habits. Starving, cutting, so addictive, they let her feel something. She dances now, another release, but healthy. Changes friends at school, to a better crowd. Less drinking, no mind games, no mental abuse. Change. Graduation. Lorettia is 17. Still mostly innocent, having kissed and made-out, but not more with boys. She quits drinking. Works for a year. Then off to college (18). Free, she slowly begins to learn to trust, one friend close, a few a little less. Healing starts. Still locks her dorm room door 24/7 trying to feel safe. Even though no one is hurting her now.
  9. I love butterflies, they give me hope.

    1. samantha2009
    2. HayHay

      HayHay

      They give me hope too, they are bright, beautiful, they can protect themselves,  they represent change and they are free. 🦋

  10. some days are great: I can be okay. I can fake a smile well. I can get things done and do them well. some nights are bad: I hate myself. I wish I was dead. rationally I know my husband loves me and so do some others, but Sometimes i still can’t help but feel like I am nothing and they don’t *really* care about me. Sometimes they can say something small and if I’m in the right kind of mindset, it can crush me entirely to where I just feel like I am truly worthless. I know people don’t mean it that way, but I still can’t help but inflict so many self hatred thoughts onto myself. Ultimately leading to me wishing I was dead or died years ago. I wish I could stop feeling this. I don’t really know what to do about it. I can’t get my brain to stop hearing the things he said to me and BELIEVING most of it. why do I believe him? Why do I let him have this control still? I wish I could stop
  11. Last week
  12. Thank you all for saying hi and being so welcoming
  13. child

    The case against me

    None of it is your fault Teleah. I promise. It was all her own fault. you didn't let her do anything. She took advantage of you. Safe hugs if okay. Sitting with you if okay.
  14. Tsabu

    New here.

    Hi @lola2020! Welcome to After Silence! I am sorry for what you have gone through in the past. I hope your partner can come around to supporting you in your healing....maybe in time. Guys can be a bit lost at what to do or say when we start our healing journeys. 😏 In the meantime, we are definitely here to support you. Take gentle care of you Lola! Tsabu
  15. snmls

    New here.

    Hi lola Welcome to AS. It is never to late to begin the healing process. You can and will heal from the trauma you have experienced. We are all here to support you in any way possible. You are not alone here. You are welcome to come to the site whenever you need support. You can post and share whenever you feel comfortable. Wishing you all the best.
  16. Hi lola, Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for the trauma you’ve experienced in the struggles you still face. None of this was your fault. You will find this is a very supportive site with many understanding and supportive members. You were not alone. Take your time and look around. When you are ready, feel free to interact as much as you are comfortable. Be assured that you will not be pressured or judged and whatever you share withIn this community. Wishing you the very best on this journey of healing.
  17. 8888

    New here.

    Welcome @lola2020 to After Silence. I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support. Good job taking this step in your healing process. You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. Take your time exploring and post when you are ready. If you have any questions feel free to message me.
  18. Welcome @Captain Jigglypuff to After Silence. I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support. Good job taking this step in your healing process. You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. Take your time exploring and post when you are ready. The Share Your Story forum is the place to share stories. Once you have 10 posts you will be automatically granted access. If you have any questions about After Silence feel free to message me.
  19. @Captain Jigglypuff Welcome to AS. I'm sorry for the trauma that brought you here, but I'm glad you found the site and decided to join. This site is a safe space and we are all here to support each other. Healing is tough, but it is possible. The process is filled with ups and downs, but you will get through it and over time you will feel more in control. Talking and connecting with other survivors can help in that process and help you to feel less alone. You are welcome to post and share on this site whenever you feel comfortable. Keep reaching out for support.
  20. Hi Captain Jigglypuff, Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for the trauma you have experienced. None of this is your fault. You have found a very supportive site with many understanding members. You are not alone. I will send you a PM on how you can share your story and where. In the meantime, feel free to look around the site. I wish you well on this journey we call healing. Mary
  21. @lola2020 welcome to after silence! I am sorry for the trauma that brought you here, but I am glad you are here I hope this site can be of some help in your healing journey! sam
  22. @Captain Jigglypuff welcome to the forums! I am sorry you have pain and trauma that brought you here, but we are glad you found us. I hope you can find the comfort you seek here sam
  23. I feel like my mind is melting and I’m trying to fight just to keep sane. Everything I thought mattered just doesn’t seem to anymore. 

    1. Mave

      Mave

      That all sounds so overwhelming, Selma. Please keep fighting and know that I’m sitting with you, if that’s okay. You’re strong, and you can do this. You don’t have to do it alone. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. ❤️

    2. Selma

      Selma

      Will do mave thank you for your support ❤️

  24. Dear @Captain Jigglypuff I would like to welcome you to After Silence's forums. We are all here for you and want to support you in any way we can. I know that posting for the first time can be scary. Please don't worry, though; you will always be given so much support from our lovely community and its members. You're not alone - we are with you. You will soon receive an official welcome message in your inbox. Please feel free to respond to that PM if you have any questions about the forum or if you need some help finding your way around the site. Take care and keep reaching out!!
  25. Dear @lola2020 I would like to welcome you to After Silence's forums. We are all here for you and want to support you in any way we can. I know that posting for the first time can be scary. Please don't worry, though; you will always be given so much support from our lovely community and its members. You're not alone - we are with you. You will soon receive an official welcome message in your inbox. Please feel free to respond to that PM if you have any questions about the forum or if you need some help finding your way around the site. Take care and keep reaching out!!
  26. Just wanted to say hello I am new here. I was looking for a place for some support as I start my journey facing the past is haunting me now until the age of 45. My spouse doesn’t believe in the process of therapy scares him when he sees me cry. So this week has been a hard one. I’ve been back in therapy since April. I’ve now finally decided that it is time to start working through the trauma which of course means speaking about it and reliving it and facing it. I am hoping at some point he will see the benefit also for the both of us. However until then I will have to find others to try to help me through this and keep me going so that I don’t back out again. My only hope is to have peace for the last 20 years of my life instead of the hell I’ve been living For the first 45.
  27. I am a survivor and I need help healing from all the trauma I’ve had in my life. I’ve been through a lot of horrible things in my life but the one thing I can’t get under control and overcome is my sexual assault. I want to share my own story but I can’t find the right place to do so on this site. You may be wondering where my username came from. I am a huge fan of the Pokémon series and Jigglypuff is my favorite Pokémon. I just chose Captain to be unique and I figured no one else would ever have the same username. I struggle with many things as a result of my assaults and am having trouble coping with feelings of guilt which I will go more into details when I share my story.
  28. I am having a horrible night of flashbacks and feeling trapped.  I know what happened wasn't a big deal, and yet it feels like the focal point of my universe right now.  I feel so utterly alone like no one could possibly understand, I just hurt, I'm so tired of hurting :( 

    1. AKB

      AKB

      Sitting with you, if ok. I'm sorry you're having this happen. Sending you lots of ❤️ and 🐇!

    2. waterlily13

      waterlily13

      Thank you so much friend, I'm really scared tonight, all of my emotions are high, it's the EMDR I think, bringing up everything I buried during and after my assault, I'm just scared :( the ❤️ and 🐰 are so appreciated, especially the 🐰!❤️

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