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  1. Today
  2. lunarosa welcome to AS. You will find this a supportive site. I am sorry what happened to you as a child, I have gone through the same thing. Yes things can get better. You are not alone here. Patricia
  3. Hi LunaRosa, Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you endured as a child, it was wrong and unfair. I'm glad you felt ready to reach out. It takes time and courage. I know it did for me. You will find tons of support here on site. The struggles you face are the responsibility of the person that hurt you. Your feelings and reactions are justified. For those you love, I hope they are being patient and supportive. I am sure they hurt, because you do. Which is again, not your fault. I do hope the pain and struggles lessen for you and I hope the site is as much help to you, as it has been for me. I wish you well as you walk this path of healing. Mary
  4. I've never seen my roommate this scared...

  5. Yesterday
  6. Two friends giving me two different sides to the story. Don't make me choose.

  7. if ok
  8. I just got attacked by some girl. 😢

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. BabyDeepBlue

      BabyDeepBlue

      Thanks so much. It means a lot to me.

    3. LuthienTinuviel

      LuthienTinuviel

      That's awful. I'm sorry :hug:if ok 

    4. Ian37

      Ian37

      You're welcome, Baby Deep Blue. Feel free to expand or vent as needed if you're comfortable doing so. No matter what, please know that there are those out there who care.

      :luck:

  9. Welcome to AS. I am so sorry for the trauma you've experienced as a child. You will find that everyone here is friendly, supportive and there is no judgement at all. Your not alone here and many can relate. Take your time to look around and best wishes on your healing journey. PB
  10. You are in the right place and I welcome you here. I hope you find the support you need - this is a fantastic community and there are so many kind folks here willing to listen and stand by you as you heal. Best wishes. Capulet
  11. I found this site months ago and have just now gotten the courage to post something. I feel that my life is falling apart and I feel stuck and hopeless and like I'm holding those that I love back from being happy. I came here to try and find support and someone to talk to. My issues are all caused from abuse I suffered as a child and I feel like I'll never heal and never feel better. I'm not sure if I'm using this site correctly or if this even makes any sense but I needed to reach out somehow and this seemed like a good place.
  12. I feel manipulated and hurt :'(

  13. I read somewhere that the official mental health folks that determine diagnostics for mental illnesses have changed the criteria for PTSD. Originally, the onset of PTSD could be linked to one major traumatic event. Now, they have linked it to long term trauma, like physical and mental abuse too. In my case, I have experienced both. I don't know if having a name for what is going on with me is a relief. I do know that as horrible as it maybe, that there is a bit of relief in knowing that I am not the only one out there. Medication has played a huge part in my recovery, and I can say now that I am a productive citizen that has stopped self-distructing. I hope that others with this condition seek help and know its out there to be had.
  14. My experience

    I want to share something. It may be a trigger warning for someone out here. I wouldn’t read this if you endured a rape that wasn’t based on intimidation. This maybe something that makes you remember something you don’t want too, or that you can relate to that may hash up those feelings again. Maybe someone can relate and helps them to know that they aren’t the only ones this has happened too. In either case, it is pretty intimately detailed, and please use caution when deciding to read this. My rapist didn’t threaten me. He didn’t hold a gun to my head, or a knife at my throat. He didn’t even order me around. He had simply cornered me. At the time, I weighed about 85lbs. I was recovering from having a long battle with pneumonia, and that had left me very weak and fragile. He was the maintenance man of the property I lived in. I lived in the camper next to his, and he worked on it a time or two before, knowing about the locks. He talked to me a good deal the day before it happened, and he expressed a very strong interest in having a relationship with me. I turned him down several times, explaining my loyalty to my boyfriend, and just being flat uncomfortable with his advances. The night of the rape, he knocked on my door, jiggled the door handle, and the door unlocked… something he knew he could do. He entered into my camper and started talking to me, the same he had tried the previous day. I was already in my nightgown and was heading to bed when he had come in. He held onto me, tried to love on me, and kept trying to kiss me. I kept trying to tell him no and kept trying to get away. But he was too big for me to fight with, and I froze in fear. All he wanted to do was show his affection to me and try to win me over, and for me to be in a relationship with him, and love him as much as he thought he loved me. The details got foggy from there on out. I don’t think he choked me or battered me in any way, but I think I shut down with the fear that I had. I had no bruises or scars to speak about and point to show what happened to me. The next morning, I got dressed, knocked the hell out of him with a cast iron skillet and ran away, barefoot and half dressed. All I could think about was to get to my boyfriend, but I had gotten lost in the new town. I had no one to turn too, and couldn't find my way. A cop stopped me. He knew what was wrong, but I was too afraid of the potential he had to harm me, that I couldn’t tell him what had happened. At the time, I didn’t even know that it was even an attack or rape. Now, I have a problem. My boyfriend is desperately trying to show me how much he loves me. He wants to be intimate with me and love on me. But the idea scares the hell out of me. It isn’t because I don’t want it, but because I’m scared of the potential of being vulnerable to the will of a man. I love him with all my heart and want to be with him, but how can I when I get so afraid of the potential I just freeze up like I did way back then? I have approached sex as a wham, bam, thank you kind of moment. I know it is needed, and sometimes I want it too, but the intimacy and desire to love someone that way is just too much for me to bare. The other thing about me… I was raised with a sexual predator as a brother. He attacked me physically and mentally starting at the age of eight, and it lasted until I left home at 16. The abuse was so bad that I had often thought about killing myself. Later, it came out, and he hit the national news that he was a predator. I finally felt some type of relief, knowing that my fears of him raping me had some basis, other than a figment of my imagination.
  15. Shouldn’t trigger, unless language/the discussion of guilt bothers you. Today, I spoke to my mother, also known fondly as the ‘Oompa Loompa.’ We were trying to finalize this week’s Thanksgiving plans. A couple entries ago, I explained how she is still breast-feeding my 30 year old sister, who just had a baby of her own. She goes there every day, cooks for her, does the housework, the laundry, et cetera, because apparently my sister doesn’t quite know yet how to allow someone else to hold the baby while she cooks or shops or does something productive around the house. So, my mother continues to enables her and picks up the slack of being a wife, mother, grandmother, caretaker of a newborn, cook and housekeeper all rolled into one. Now, this isn’t a jab on my sister - I know we all have to learn somehow. It’s her first baby. I KNOW how hard it is and how overwhelming it can be when all they do is cry, cry, and CRY. I know that sleep deprivation can render you useless at any given time…hell, I’m sleep deprived on a regular basis and don’t have a squalling infant to blame that on. So I shrug off my feelings and tell myself she’ll know the ropes by the time her second kid arrives. I do have to say though, the end result of my mother’s excessive coddling has been rough because now she’s exhausted and WE haven’t seen her in over a month. The time I planned to go and see her was derailed when J and I both had a stomach bug and we wanted to remain cautious and stayed away from the baby. Will be seeing my sister and the baby this Saturday, after Oompa Loompa comes here for Thanksgiving. This entry isn’t even about my sister, though. Or the Oompa Loompa, even though much amusement can be derived from talking about her and her shenanigans… Before we hung up, Oompa had some news for me. Her brother, my uncle, the ‘Reverend,” his unholy disgustingness, is in the hospital. Little background information. Other than looking like your classic creepy pedophile, he was always overweight and unhealthy. He’s diabetic, has bad knees and always, always seemed to have something wrong with him. Aside from mentally, of course. And now, physically. I’m surprised that no one else has the same effect from looking at him. I personally want to literally projectile vomit whenever I see his face. But I guess the point I’m trying to make…he was probably a fucking cat with nine or more lives in a previous life…I don’t understand why or how he’s still breathing. If you ask me, he doesn’t deserve the air he breathes. Yet, he keeps coming back to life. See…I remember this time from when I was eighteen and in college. I was living at my father’s house since he lived closer to the campus. I remember coming home from classes and my father telling me that my uncle was in the hospital, having suffered a massive heart attack earlier that afternoon. He survived that massive heart attack. Then, when I was somewhere between 21 and 22, my grandmother passed, and we all remember the flood of emotions that overwhelmed me. I might have cried if he didn’t survive that first heart attack, because this was before I came to realize that there was some suppressed feelings of animosity. He was Uncle L, and I hate to admit it, but on some level, there was love for him, because that was simply what being a family member entitled you, regardless of what a piece of shit you really were. And I know I’ve said it before but kids have unconditional affection for members of their families, especially the kids who don’t remember that they’re supposed to hate them. He ended up in the hospital again, after my grandmother’s death (if you read the blog entry, ‘Want Some Fries With That Invalidation?’ then you may remember a rather uncomfortable encounter I had with him there) riddled with infection, and he survived that, too. He underwent a quadruple bypass about three years ago. He was told by his doctors that he was a ‘ticking time bomb’ and the bypass surgery posed multiple risks, but if he didn’t have it, he was toast…it would just be a matter of time… Well…despite my secret prayers for a one-way ticket to hell, he survived the bypass surgery, too. Apparently, right now, his tiny, black heart is causing him some issues (I didn’t care to ask what kind of issues) and they admitted him into the hospital last night. She has plans to see him the week after Thanksgiving. In the meantime, he’s going to rot there while they run tests to try and figure out what his problem is, this time. I hung up with Oompa Loompa and felt the corners of my mouth turn upwards. Oh, my God, guys… I’m feeling like I’m a horrible, horrible person. Here I am…I’m SMILING like an idiot. I might have chuckled, too. I don’t think I’ve laughed completely yet, but…seriously? Am I that heartless? Am I capable of such hatred toward another person? A SICK person at that? I don’t think I like that about myself. I wasn’t raised that way. I was raised to be warm, loving, kind. To be gentle. To forgive. Forgiveness is so tricky in this case, though. I think I’d sooner forgive the man who SA’d me in 1996 than I would my uncle, and I can’t even remember why I hate him so much. My brain simply denies me that information, and for now, that’s okay. The thought of him being in the hospital is simply delightful. The thought of him spending Thanksgiving by himself while I spend it with my loved ones, is pure joy. Of course, if someone in the family would go pick his disgusting ass up, he’d come spend holidays with us but at this point, even my mother, his own sister, doesn’t want to take the two-hour trek each way, because not only would she have to go pick him up, she’d have to bring him back home to his cockroach-infested shit-sty. Not to mention she knows well enough by now that if he is there, I will not be. I haven’t seen him since my sister’s (the new mother’s) wedding day. It couldn’t be helped. I made sure to avoid him completely. Didn’t look at him, walked away when he walked past me in church to say hello. I made sure to leave the room whenever he walked in. And that’s been perfectly fine with me because I have not one shred of love left for this man and I’ve no desire to see him until he’s laid out in a coffin, or even more appropriate, a cheap-o cardboard box. If it were up to me, that’s what he’d get, only because by law, he would have to be placed into a receptacle before being buried. Then, I can spit into his dead, lips-sewn-shut face just before they put him in the ground. And then, after he’s been buried, I, Capulet, am having a party. My house. You’re all invited. Lots of junk food and laughs to be had. I will celebrate his departure from this world, just as strongly as I mourned my grandmother’s. I will have you all know, I feel terrible for having just said that. Just plain terrible. It’s not something that as a mother, I would ever teach my kids to feel when someone is sick, in pain or otherwise hurting. The guilt over having said such cold things about another human being is present, but at the same time, I’ve been waiting a very, very long time for my non-human friend, Karma, to show up. I just wonder…how many chances at life is this man going to get? What has he done to deserve all of these tomorrows? Why do so many good people suffer, and these monstrous sons-of-bitches who prey on innocent children keep on ticking? If that’s not the most fucked up thing in the world, I don’t know what is. On another note, I’ve been told that his death (whenever Karma ever does do her fucking job) may bring forth a slew of memories, of actual remembrances. Another epiphany may occur and I’ll know exactly why I hate him. I will know why the thought of him being reduced into a pile of shit, maggots and formaldehyde makes me giddy enough to smile. Maybe I won’t feel so guilty, if I find that later on, my suspicions turn out to be the truth I seek. Is that what Karma is waiting for? For me to be ready? I seriously doubt that Karma is in tune with my suppressed memories, but either way, it’s taking too damn long for this pathetic excuse of a person to succumb to his shitty health. I apologize to you all if this has shined a different, unfavorable light onto me as a person. I’ll be honest with you all, I don’t like what I hear, either, when it comes to my thoughts. Like I said before, I never thought myself capable of taking pleasure in another’s suffering, regardless of how rotten a person they may be. But I also promised myself that I’d never sugar-coat anything in my blogs, ever again. And so, I won’t. I am sorry if I’ve offended anybody, because as much as I hate my uncle, I also hate the people who have hurt you, too. I want Karma to take care of ALL of them! I’ll not lie to anyone and say I have any sympathy for their abusers’ ‘misfortunes,’ shall we say…because I don’t. I hate my uncle and I hate that people like him are still allowed to roam this Earth, I despise that these are the people who sully our beautiful existence and make us suffer. On the other hand, I know so many others feel and hear these thoughts, too. I think, though, that we all have our thirst for justice, whether it is served by way of a painful death or incarceration, it ultimately means we are free of the mental prisons these predators have sentenced us to life in. I think I’m going to be extra thankful this coming Thursday when I sit down to my turkey dinner, for the fact that I can safely say that I am a good enough person to feel even the smallest amount of guilt. It may be misunderstood, it may be unwarranted because such despicable people do not deserve any of my guilt for feeling the way I do. I know and have accepted that there are reasons I feel this way…even if these reasons aren’t known to me, they’re there, they exist. And I can furthermore conclude that the guilt I feel for smiling at the thought of my uncle laying in a hospital bed, alone, stems from my having learned kindness, despite a tarnished childhood. I’ll be damned if I’m guilted into showing him any kindness, now. With that, I want to take a moment to wish you all a blessed Thanksgiving. Whether you’re spending it with family, friends or by yourselves, I hope you’ll take a moment or two to make the day special for yourselves because you, my friends, deserve that. I know that so many of our lives are in disarray right now, and even though we struggle with our thoughts, there is always, ALWAYS something to smile about. Love, Capulet
  16. Decided to take a long break from all this... sometimes I think the world around me would rather me just sweep what happened under the carpet and just carry on like it never happened & honestly I think sometimes maybe that's what I should do.

    1. LuthienTinuviel

      LuthienTinuviel

      I understand how you feel :hug:if ok 

    2. mimir

      mimir

      Sometime I also feel the same way.

  17. Week by week

    I Saw him today. Not the bad one but the second one. My second ex and my second abuser. I saw him and all I wanted to do was cry and scream. I didn’t say anything. I just ran. Talking about them and what they did is hard, but seeing them. That’s inpossible. When I see him, all I see is who I was and how that girl that I once was is gone. The little girl who was comfortable and safe, she isn’t around anymore. I cant even bring myself to talk to them and let them know how I feel. But what good would it do. Would they listen? Would they care? Or is that just setting me up for a worse life? A bigger story? I don’t know and I don’t plan to find out.
  18. You’re not alone. I’m glad that someone else like me has felt this. I’m sorry that you have been through this and some much has had to change because of it. I wish you the best *hug if okay*
  19. Thank you for posting... I have felt the same way for so long and this is the first time i have ever been on a site like this and i happened upon this. I feel like he is always in the back of my mind reminding me that without him i wouldn't be me. It hasn't even been about year since i was last violated by him and since then i literally moved to another country, cut all contact and for the first time talked to someone (my friend) about what happened. I really identify with what you are feeling so I guess i just wanted to thank you for reminding me i am not alone
  20. Would anyone be willing to PM? It's so hard to ask. I feel like a burden on everyone.

  21. Hi, Jen G, and welcome!
  22. Last week
  23. Pauline, I am so very sorry to see that you suffered abuse at such an early age and unfortunately can relate in general. I cannot even put into words that would fully justify how much this has had an effect on me and this includes intimately. So many of them far after the actual abuse. It sounds as if you may be having some of the same thoughts. It really does mess with your self-worth. This is something I am truly trying to find peace with yet there always seems to be some sort of competition. I always have felt like I'm not really worthy of being loved and that has had quite the effect on my actions. Kind of like I have had the habit of sabotaging myself knowing that something bad is bound to happen. The issue is that sometimes, you happen to come upon someone and something good. I think it also has a lot to do with your mind letting you know that there is still a lot of conflict within you and you're still trying to process everything. Something which tends to take quite some time. Sometimes, we tend to try blocking things out or pushing them to the side and need that outside influence to keep us aware of our need to heal. Even though these thoughts can come at the most inopportune times and make us feel even more alone. That being said, this does not necessarily mean that you have to go through your healing all alone. I think it is great that you and this man seem to have really hit it off. The most important thing you speak of here truly is mutual consent. There is no real need to feel badly just because you did not reciprocate since there is not always the need to keep score. It is not as if you forced him into anything. One of my biggest issues is that I happen to think way too much and it's just about impossible to shut my mind down. Still, I think that thinking can get too be a little too much at times and perhaps the more we happen to contemplate, the less things might make any sense. Please know that I am not trying to judge you at all and am only meaning to give some possible perspective. I know it is not easy wanting things to get better like yesterday and still having all these struggles today and how this can add to our anxiety.
  24. Daily exercise

    I was asked by my therapist to speak out loud everyday the sexual violence I suffered as a child. She said it was a way to deal with the buried emotions caused from the event and dispel the bad energy I have been keeping inside since it happened. Also, it's so I can stop detaching myself from the memory, which essentially causes me to bury and ignore apart of my life, myself. ______________________________________________ When I was six years old I was a curious, playful, adventurous child. I was always wanting to learn new things, and keep up with my big sister. I remember I learned how to ride a bike on the first try when I was five years old because I wanted to ride with the big kids in the neighborhood. I was a hesitant child, but I wouldn't say I was a 'scaredy cat'. I was just thoughtful and very observant, and liked to asses and understand my surroundings. Mostly, everything just made me wonder. I wondered all the time, about everything, but mostly the stars in the sky. Sometimes, I remember I would sit outside and look up at the sky and be so overwhelmed with emotions. Positive emotions. Sometimes it would bring me to tears. I was always a deep person. And I was also molested as a child. I was molested by my neighbor, a teenage boy actually, he was only maybe 15/16. He took advantage of my innocence, of my curiosity. It still hurts me to this day. To think that I was hurt in such a way. But I need to stop separating myself from what happened. Because it did happen to me. And I am no longer going to be ashamed of it. I am going to embrace it, because no matter how hard I push it away, the experience is never going to go away. It can only be accepted, and I can grow from it. I was molested, I was sexually violated, and I was totally, without a hesitation, not suspecting any sort of bad behavior to occur. but that's where I need to stop myself. Why should have I suspected anything bad was going to happen? I did not even know such terrible things could be done, that a person could treat another person in such a way. What a heart break that was. But still, I am not going to dwell on any sort of thought that relates to me knowing that something was going to happen. I had absolutely no idea. And that's a good thing-well it's definitely not a bad thing. I am Chloe and at the age of 6 years old my neighbor and I were playing outside together, and he asked me to come inside his house. I excitedly agreed and he took me in his room and forced me on the bed, forced my pants down, and tried to rape me. I was so scared and terrified, and I was fighting but he was too strong. I am so lucky that he did not manage to physically have sex with me, because my mom knocked on his front door, worried about where I could be. He stopped abruptly. And I don't remember how I got out of there, I just remember I never wanted to return or see his face again. Too bad he lived right next door. I didn't tell my mom until I was 16 years old. And even now, retelling this, I feel so emotional, so stuck in it. I guess it's a good and a bad thing, because it makes me realize that a lot of my anxiety and insecurity with myself comes from the bad energy of this moment I have kept inside me for so long. but it;s bad well, because who wants to recount a kinda memory like that. Anyway, I hope this did not trigger anyone, that is the last thing I want. This is mostly just for my sake, a personal outlet. enjoy the day chloe
  25. DISCLAIMER: I do go into a little bit of detail about my intimacy with my ex boyfriend. It was always sweet, loving, non abusive, and consensual, but still, just want to give a warning! Hello everyone! So in case anyone needs to read a juicy excerpt of young adult relationship drama, look no further than this post right here! Hmm, but in all seriousness, I was and still am super emotional about my problems with my relationship. And I was just having anxious thoughts, not pertaining to the relationship, but to this anxiety that I am getting so tired of!! I thought, hmm what if what is causing the anxiety is something physically wrong in my brain, and I have to get an operation?! My second thought was girrrl, go get yourself an fMRI stat! But then, I was like, welllll, you did suffer sexual violence as a child, maybe it was only one time, but it definitely changed and altered a lot of your perceptions. Although, because nothing is impossible, the chance that there is something physically wrong with your brain is still there, but most likely, you are suffering from anxiety due to defining your worth and strength based on being molested. Which, I hypothesize, will make anyone feel, at least bad about themselves. But anyone else with anxiety have crazy thoughts like this? I am only having it now because I feel like I have been making a lot of progress but it has been exhausting for my mind. Maybe this is my mind retaliating, making me feel more anxious. That's not nice mind! ANYWAYS, so here's the juice on my confusing, annoying, relationship: I began to have a relationship with a guy two years ago, we actually met up on tinder, and no I was not a usual user of tinder, but I was with a friend who recommended it to me just to be silly since we had nothing to do that night, so I thought hey, why not. So i actually strike up a nice conversation with this guy, who just moved to where I live in the U.S. from a country in South America. I do not want to name said country just for privacy reasons (I know I am a little paranoid), but lets just say this country is suffering political and economic turmoil, and he moved to the U.S. to start a better life. WELL, so we met up and hit it off super well. We decided to meet up again and go to the beach. It was nice, but in the back of my head, I felt the numbness that I always feel about myself. I was happy to be with a new person who I got along with, I mean I wasn't necessarily attracted to him in a romantic way, but I was just letting things happen. So when we get back to mine we actually kissed and he slept over (we only kissed). Now, here is where I got a little upset with myself because I remember telling myself after my ex boyfriend and I broke up that I would not move so suddenly with the next guy, I would give it time, and try to feel myself out first: do I really want to hook up this guy because that is all i want, or do I want to hold off on that so I can actually build trust toward him, and possibly develop a loving, trusting, relationship? Well, I guess I went with the previous option, because a couple days later, we hung out again, but this time, we did more than kiss. I let him go down on me, but I don't know why I did that. It was definitely consensual, and it was a really lovely experience, but then he asked me to return the favor and I immediately felt disgusted and bad about myself. I have a really bad perception of giving oral sex to a man, so it just ruined my night. However, he saw how upset I was, and sweetly took me in his arms and told me to relax, that he did not care at all, and he was just happy we could enjoy an intimate moment together. It did not make me feel better. I felt so angry with myself. Why could I not accept the fact that it was okay that I did not want to reciprocate? Like, I was not trying to be selfish, I just knew it would make me feel worthless, because that is how I perceive it, and still do (that's a whole different story though). But yeah, he was totally cool with it, I still felt super bad that I was allowing any intimacy to happen between us at all though. I knew that that's not how I needed to start off my next relationship, because intimacy has always been a negative thing in my mind, ever since I was molested. So, for me, I did not start the relationship with a good mentality. I was always weary of him, and I always felt scared that there could be a side of him he is hiding, a perverted, overly sexual side. That is like my biggest fear in a relationship, to discover that I have been with a man who has the same traits (at least in my head they are kinda the same) as the man who took advantage of me. It sucks because looking back on it, and hearing what my friends and family have told me, this man who I apathetically treated as my boyfriend, adored and loved me so much. And I never let myself feel that love A couple months into the relationship we took the intimacy to the next level, and I pushed myself because I was conflicted. My mind was judging me harshly and critiquing me for not wanting to be selfish, and wanting to give more, it was making me feel like I was worthless for enjoying that aspect of intimacy with my boyfriend. Because of that, I sometimes felt hatred toward him, and always toward myself. I never felt that feeling of security and trust that one must feel in order to have a healthy, vital relationship. Let's just say this is Part 1 of my relationship drama. I have endured enough drama today already with it, so I think I need a little break. Enjoy your day/evening! And even through all this 'drama', I am not trying to keep myself bummed out! I am training my mind to stop dwelling on what I can not change/what needs to be accepted. love, pauline
  26. if ok
  27. everything is going to be okay. don't think about all the roads you could have taken or roads that others are on. this road is my own.

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