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  1. Today
  2. "God don't like ugly!"

    School prep is going. Registering for classes on 6/13. Looking forward to it!!!! Four months away! Thank you, sweet friend, for the kind words. While little can be said about my mother, the mental image of snatching that wooden spoon and snapping it in half over my knee is a nice one. Sending you love and hugs, hoping things are going well for you this week!
  3. Yesterday
  4. There's no way back

    Processing things is really hard. Thank you for the offer. I don't know if there is. It's a really hard time but I think I just have to grit my teeth and get through it. Safe hugs, if okay
  5. 'You have to get up and face them every day. You have to pretend he didn't hurt and destroy you the night before. Look into his eyes. Watch him grin. You have to be nice to him. You have to let him hold you in his arms and tell him that you love him.' 'No one helps you. No one comforts you. No one tells you it's not okay. No one stops there. No one cleans up your blood. No one'
  6. "God don't like ugly!"

    Wow. Just wow. When I thought Oompa couldn't get anymore narcissistic she manages to top, even herself! I would've struggled mightily to not knock the shaking wooden spoon outta her claw-like grasp! That's truly unfortunate that your stepfather is a mumbler and that there wasn't another person around to hear what he was saying that cause so much agita in Oompa. Glad you could process this here and here's hoping all else is going well for you with school prep.
  7. Hello everyone!!! I'll first acknowledge how long it's been since my last update...things have been - well - crazy. Not necessarily a 'bad' kind of crazy - but perhaps the crazy that instead keeps me from being able to sit down and say that I've actually had time to process it all. Sometimes it takes me time to even WANT to process some of it, so that delays me even more. The post-Oompa headache (that pounding sensation at my temples that I experience whenever my mother takes herself and her drama and goes HOME) has subsided and I'm finally able to sit in reflection. Sometimes her visits are 'meh,' and sometimes they leave my brain feeling like the aftermath of a tornado. Like, this past visit to our house for the holiday, for example. To start - my mother is 'preoccupied' these days. Earlier last week, she found out that my youngest sister's husband has been cheating. My mother, of course, was the first person my sister told; so now, naturally, everyone knows. I was the first one Mom told - followed by the "please don't tell anybody." Why? Because my brother in law is 'embarrassed.' He's the uncle that my kids ABSOLUTELY adore, the one son-in-law that my mother used to be able to boast about, the one daughter who had a husband that was 'a good one.' He was the one up on the proverbial pedestal, but now that has come toppling down. Now, Mom's illusion of the 'perfect' couple has been shattered - and you'd think my brother-in-law cheated on my mother instead of my sister. It's all about Mom, don't you know? It's always about her - because she has to be involved in the things that she has nothing to do with, she has to have a say in everything. Apparently now that it's been revealed that my brother-in-law was cheating with someone at work - she's looking up potential alternative jobs for him - jobs elsewhere. Yes, there's a lot wrong with that picture, if you ask me...but, this is not my business any more or less than it is hers - so...moving on. At any rate, she came here for Easter - although I'm sure it was begrudgingly; we all know that she wanted to be at my sister's side. My sister had standing plans to go to her in-laws' for the holiday - (I should mention that she is being supported 100% by my brother-in-law's parents - they are absolutely FURIOUS with him for shaming their 'respectable' family - and are backing her completely - even if it means letting him shack up in his old bedroom because my sister kicked him out) - and upon finding out about her husband's infidelity, wasn't sure if she wanted to go to his family's for the holiday. Oompa, whose plans were to be here with us, put herself on standby - if my sister decided to not go to her in-laws', then Oompa would be spending Easter with her, instead. My sister, Oompa claims is 'needy,' (she is, she calls Oompa for EVERYTHING) and she didn't want her to be alone. As it turns out, my sister DID go to the in-laws'....my lying, cheating brother-in-law has a lot of reparations to make; even so, there's no guarantee they'll be able to re-establish trust. Even I know though, that this is something they have to work out. Just them. This is something that has to be figured out by the two of them alone, and without the influence of my mother, or of his parents. Maybe there's a marriage counselor involved, but that's it. This is something that NO ONE can fix, other than the main players - her and him. That's IT. ANY sensible person knows that!! Oompa, of course, doesn't understand this. She spent a good portion of the weekend (while she was here) bitching about how shocked she was to hear about the marital problems they were having, not to mention looking up job openings for my brother-in-law ('he has to get away from that skank!!!') and calling around to inquire....she even called my sister every few hours to see how she was doing, probably hoping my sister would say she wanted her to go home and be with her. She didn't. So, although my mother stayed from all day Friday until early Monday morning, I could tell she really wasn't wanting to be here - she was physically present, but mentally, she was elsewhere. At one point, I had to say to my mother, "She'll (my sister) be fine. She's a big girl. There's nothing you can do." OK, so...we're now all aware of Oompa's mindset...overall, she was NOT focused on visiting or enjoying time with any of us or even on the holiday. In hindsight, it would have made more sense for her to have not come at all. On Easter morning, she went to church at one of the local Catholic parishes around where we live. I managed to sleep in. I got up a few minutes before she came back from Easter mass. While I was still 'waking up,' she got a call from her brother - (yes, the same piece-of-shit I've mentioned in previous blog entries, the same one she wanted me to greet at the family gathering last month!) - and when I came into the kitchen, she was in the middle of that phone call. He had called to wish her a Happy Easter and I'd walked in during the tail end of their conversation. When she hung up, she sighed, shook her head, and got back to preparing this (god-awful) pie she had decided to bake for our Easter dessert later on. "That was your uncle," she said while mixing pie ingredients, "He's not doing well." And then, like one of those old-fashioned Italian grannies, she shook the wooden spoon she was using in the general direction of my face, and said, "Not that you care. And God don't like ugly!" I blinked at her. Honestly, I was at a loss for words. At that moment, I'm 'hearing' the thoughts in my head. She's not okay right now. She's NOT calling ME ugly...she's just overwhelmed with EVERYTHING ELSE, and doesn't know what she's saying....yeah, that's it...right??? That's what's happening here? I guess I must have shrugged, too. She went on, "THAT was why I wanted you to say hello to him at your nephew's birthday party. It very quite possibly could have been your FINAL hello!" Okay, that's it. I couldn't bite my tongue any further. "He's been dead to me for years, already." I told her with one of my famous nonchalant shrugs. I'd already suspected that was her reason for wanting me to say hello to him - so he could die thinking everything was peachy keen between him and the niece he'd been so estranged from for almost two decades? That a 'hello' would somehow 'fix' this??? Hah. Little did she know that I was fully prepared to do a happy dance whenever she would confirm to me that he'd soon be meeting his end. It just didn't seem to be the right time to express my overwhelming joy over this man soon being reduced to nothing but a pile of shit, maggots and formaldehyde. "STILL." She said, spoon still waving, "I taught you girls to have respect!" "Yes, you did." I agreed, "And I have respect for those who deserve it." She went back to preparing her pie. My stepfather was sitting at the kitchen table at the time of this dialogue/exchange and was mumbling. This is his 'normal,' though. He either mumbles or he screams. And I'm not even sure WHAT he was mumbling about. But all of a sudden, my mother whips her head around and (almost TOO) quickly snaps for him to 'shut up.' She went on to say to her husband, "You don't know what you're talking about! That's not it, it has to do with my mother and the inheritance, she's mad at him because of that....not because of...you need to shut up! Just SHUT UP!!!!" (And all of this was accompanied with the wide, wild eyes and facial expression that just added exclamation points to her words.) He mumbled again - but these words were haunting; "that's just what she tells you." I don't know what it was that he said (mumbled) to make her so snappy, but he's certainly right about that - what I tell her is what I've been sticking to for all of these years that I've chosen to eliminate her brother from my life. Now here's where I hate my hearing loss the most - I wasn't going to ask him to repeat himself and to inquire as to what he'd said to make my mother so agitated. By now, she'd had her outburst and he'd ceased his mumbling and I'm shit out of luck - no one else was there to 'hear' him for me - and when it was being said, ALL I could focus on was my mother's reaction. I know that reaction all too well - it's the same one she puts on when she is trying to 'prevent' information from being given out or trying to say, 'it's time to nix this conversation' with her eyes. What gives, Ma? Why are you so angry? Why are you so anxious for your husband to 'shut up?' What are you afraid your husband is going to 'remind' me of?? Truthfully, I've not been giving too much thought to 'things' lately. I've been trying to focus on going back to school, sticking to the 'important' things going on in my life currently - THIS is not something I want in my forefront, or anywhere near it at the moment. My suspicions of childhood CSA is something there's no resolution to - not now. Not until perhaps, my disgusting uncle finally DOES drop dead. He's been expected to die before - and I've learned that unfortunately, this putrid asshole has more lives than all five of my cats combined - he's cheated death before, it'd be premature to celebrate his departure now - no, this will have to wait until that call finally DOES come. THEN, I'll deal with whatever feelings should pop up, be they good ones or not-so-favorable ones. Even so, I don't know HOW I'm going to approach this subject. What I DO know, though, is she won't be involved when and if I do. In the meantime, and even though this is not a priority, I'm finding it increasingly disturbing that my mother, someone I am supposed to look up to, someone I'm supposed to be proud of, instead disgusts me. Lately, I'm just appalled even more on how she STILL continues to invalidate me by demanding respect for someone who doesn't deserve it. Oh, and now that it's even more clear she will go to great lengths to 'silence' anyone else with differing opinions on why I don't want this man in my life, more or less alive. And last, but not least, she'll make ANY situation about HER - whether it's about me or one of her other daughters, she'll find a way to flip it and make it HER problem. I hate to admit to so, but she truly has an unhealthy obsession with feeling needed, feeling wanted. She can't just let people deal with things in the way they want or need to; she can't resist the urge to insert herself into the situation and to make herself involved. Instead of just being there as a support, she has to make herself a PART of the problem! I dunno about you, but this all makes my mother a VERY difficult person to enjoy being around. Sadly, all I can think about is how she's looking uglier by the day. You're right, Mom. "God don't like ugly." Go say that in front of a fucking mirror, maybe it'll sink in. - Capulet
  8. I'm new

    Thank you all for the warm welcome.❤
  9. Newbie hoping for help

    Thank you so much for the warm welcomes! It made it much easier to start here. I really appreciate it.
  10. Newbie hoping for help

    Welcome to AS, I hope you will find it helpful to be among people who understand. You are not alone !
  11. I'm new

    Welcome to AS @Someone128, I'm glad you found this community and hope you find what you're looking for to help you on your healing journey.
  12. New survivor

    Welcome to AS @Harmony5kw, your are very courageous reaching out and pursuing justice through the legal system. Hope you get some relief from the constant nightmares, anxiety and fear soon.
  13. Newbie hoping for help

    Welcome to AS @SuddenCircles, this is a kind, supportive and understanding community. Take your time, post when you feel comfortable and safe. I hope you find what you're looking for to help you on your healing journey.
  14. Newbie hoping for help

    Dear @SuddenCircles, I'm so sorry for the suffering you've endure. The good news about our site is that you don't need to know what to say or how to begin, you are free to come as much as you'd like, read the posts/forums available, and post whenever you feel like it. We have many kind and supportive people here. Wishing you peace and healing, Gold Raindrops
  15. New survivor

    Dear @Harmony5kw, I'm sorry for the suffering you've endured and for the trauma that comes with enduring a trial. Know that there are many kind and understanding people here who can relate to what you are going through. Feel free to read and/or post whenever you feel like you need support. We're here to help and support each other. Gold Raindrops
  16. Newbie hoping for help

    Hi SuddenCircles, Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the reasons you find yourself here, but do know that you will find tons of support. Our members are very understanding and kind. It's not always easy to reach out, but I am glad you have. Take your time to look around. I wish you the very best on your journey of healing. Mary
  17. Last week

    as i sit here and contemplate if i am going to even try to put words down today. Its like i dont know how to express myself anymore. i feel so lost and so alone anymore. i am still trying to cope with the loss of my brother. this loss has been devestating for me and im having trouble as to where i do go from here. i really only have the support of my therapist, thats my support system, thats a lot of people huh? i cant turn to my parents for help because i put them both behind bars. its not like i had a choice they did what was inappropriate and they have to face the music now. i watch my little girl sit there and wonder did i ever get to be as content as she is as a child. i dont remember even being cared about outside the relationship my brother and i had. and being loved was not in the cards with my mother. i ask myself what or who i would be if i didnt go through the events-traumas that i had to go through. then i realize that those events have helped mold me into the person i am becoming today. so would i change it.. hmm that one is tricky. i guess its kind of 50/50. i wish nothing happened especially the first time with my mother. however that is the single most painful trauma i had to face, but it taught me the kind of mother i wanted to be and learned then and there what being a parent is not. i was talking to someone i guess will just call a "friend". i was told about a person who downloaded child porn. this hit a nerve but i was going to hear them out. my friend said that this person deserved a second chance because its not like he touched a childed. they then proceeded to tell me that its not that bad also because its not like he committed murder. the was the end i blew up. really??!! in my opinion especially after all i have seen is just beccause you dont touch a child or act on the impulse you are still very much in the wrong. that child went through hell and you download it so you can watch, seriously, come on people. i was then asked cant you just feel empathy and forgive them. i flat said no way in HELL would i ever. i dont get people in the world today they seem to be more and more disgusting. well almost time to go get kiddo, hope all is well with others.
  19. Newbie hoping for help

    Hi, SuddenCircles, and welcome to AS!
  20. New survivor

    @Harmony5kw I’m sorry for what brought you here and if it’s okay I would like to sit with you also give some safe hugs.
  21. Newbie hoping for help

    @SuddenCircles welcome to AS. I’m sorry for what brought you here. So many safe hugs, if that’s ok.
  22. Memory - Truth or Dare

    He said it was a game. A secret game. I was 9 and my sister was 7. He, my brother, was 12. There had been a lot of change in the family in a short time. We moved to a different part of town with different schools. My mom went back to work and my dad went back to school to study for a new career. As a child, everything felt chaotic. My parents were so busy with work and school that it felt as though they did not have time for us anymore. I felt lonely, isolated, and less than. I was a weird kid and had very few friends before the move. After we moved, I had no one. One evening my brother was babysitting my sister and I. We were in the basement sitting on some old chairs. My brother suggested a game of Truth or Dare. As we played the Dares became more and more sexual. I felt uncomfortable. I did not like what he was asking us to do. I didn’t understand it. However, he was my older brother and I looked up to him. Most importantly, he was actually paying attention to me. I craved that attention. When the game was done he made sure to tell my sister and I not to share this with anyone it was our secret. I still get angry with my child self over this memory. I blame myself for just letting it happen. I get angry with myself because i was so desperate for someone to pay attention to me that i allowed for him to hurt both myself and my younger sister. Maybe, if I had pushed back when this had happened it would not have continued and gotten so much worse.
  23. Newbie hoping for help

    Hello. I’m not really sure how to start this. I’m kind of still in my story, working toward the end of this chapter and beginning of a new. I’m really struggling to find my way and hope to find some support and one day help support others.
  24. New survivor

    Hi, Harmony5kw, and welcome! Sending you support for your trial. You’ll get through it. Just remember to breathe. Safe hugs, if okay.
  25. There's no way back

    Is there anything i can do to help support you? seems like you are having a really hard time right now.
  26. 2nd session

    For me, the emotions came later. I was able to recall pieces of memories from the abuse and had no feelings attached. It was as if it happened to someone else. slowly, with lots of therapy, i was able to integrate the emotions with the memories and move forward in my healing. Best of luck on your healing journey
  27. learning it was wrong

    I am not sure how to begin writing. The perfectionist in me wants to ensure I sound eloquent, creative, interesting, and intelligent. The voice in my head is telling me that nothing I write will be good enough. It will not have any value so why even bother. The voice is telling me I will fail. The fear of failure is paralyzing. It keeps me stuck. I cannot promise that my blog will be a work of art. However, I can promise it will be honest and authentic. I am writing this blog for myself. I am writing in order to process and heal from my trauma. In the fall of 2009, I was a junior in college. I was obsessed with the idea of getting into medical school and becoming a physician. I needed more volunteer experiences to improve my chances of being accepted. At the time, I was volunteering at a suicide hotline, big brother big sister, a hospital, and with habitat for humanity. For me, the next logical volunteer experience was with the local YWCA as a sexual assault advocate. The 40-hour training on sexual violence was filled with statistics, research, and information on sexual violence. Additionally, it provided training on how I, as a sexual assault advocate, could help individuals that had experienced sexual violence. As a volunteer sexual assault advocate, I answered a hotline for survivors of sexual violence and accompanied women to the hospital after an assault. I was passionate about the work I was doing to help these women and devastated that there was a need for this service. The training and volunteer work opened my eyes to the horrors and detrimental effects of sexual violence. Consequently, it also brought back the deeply buried memories of my own abuse. During one of the classes we were given an assignment to depict a road map of our life. On a large poster board I mapped out significant events in my life both good and bad. This included the typical stuff such as birth, graduating high school, moving, and starting college. It also depicted a sexual assault I experienced at the age of 17. I stood up to present my poster board to the class. I had left significant amounts of my childhood blank and skimmed over it as I was presenting. As I looked at the blank section of my board that stood for ages 9ish through 11ish a heavy darkness came over me and I was briefly unable to speak. I quickly completed my presentation and returned to my seat. Once in my seat I began sobbing. The memories came back in pieces. Along with this new realization that what he did was wrong. The pain, guilt, and shame consumed me. These memories and emotions that my brain kept hidden from me were being ripped from their deep hiding place and pulled into my conscious awareness. It was unbearable and I began spiraling into a deep depression.
  28. Hello I am new

    Hi Tirzah, I am also new and it sounds like you are having very similar psychological systems as me. I can be here for! ❤🕯
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