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  1. Today
  2. Newbie hoping for help

    Dear @SuddenCircles, I'm so sorry for the suffering you've endure. The good news about our site is that you don't need to know what to say or how to begin, you are free to come as much as you'd like, read the posts/forums available, and post whenever you feel like it. We have many kind and supportive people here. Wishing you peace and healing, Gold Raindrops
  3. New survivor

    Dear @Harmony5kw, I'm sorry for the suffering you've endured and for the trauma that comes with enduring a trial. Know that there are many kind and understanding people here who can relate to what you are going through. Feel free to read and/or post whenever you feel like you need support. We're here to help and support each other. Gold Raindrops
  4. Newbie hoping for help

    Hi SuddenCircles, Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the reasons you find yourself here, but do know that you will find tons of support. Our members are very understanding and kind. It's not always easy to reach out, but I am glad you have. Take your time to look around. I wish you the very best on your journey of healing. Mary
  5. Yesterday

    as i sit here and contemplate if i am going to even try to put words down today. Its like i dont know how to express myself anymore. i feel so lost and so alone anymore. i am still trying to cope with the loss of my brother. this loss has been devestating for me and im having trouble as to where i do go from here. i really only have the support of my therapist, thats my support system, thats a lot of people huh? i cant turn to my parents for help because i put them both behind bars. its not like i had a choice they did what was inappropriate and they have to face the music now. i watch my little girl sit there and wonder did i ever get to be as content as she is as a child. i dont remember even being cared about outside the relationship my brother and i had. and being loved was not in the cards with my mother. i ask myself what or who i would be if i didnt go through the events-traumas that i had to go through. then i realize that those events have helped mold me into the person i am becoming today. so would i change it.. hmm that one is tricky. i guess its kind of 50/50. i wish nothing happened especially the first time with my mother. however that is the single most painful trauma i had to face, but it taught me the kind of mother i wanted to be and learned then and there what being a parent is not. i was talking to someone i guess will just call a "friend". i was told about a person who downloaded child porn. this hit a nerve but i was going to hear them out. my friend said that this person deserved a second chance because its not like he touched a childed. they then proceeded to tell me that its not that bad also because its not like he committed murder. the was the end i blew up. really??!! in my opinion especially after all i have seen is just beccause you dont touch a child or act on the impulse you are still very much in the wrong. that child went through hell and you download it so you can watch, seriously, come on people. i was then asked cant you just feel empathy and forgive them. i flat said no way in HELL would i ever. i dont get people in the world today they seem to be more and more disgusting. well almost time to go get kiddo, hope all is well with others.
  7. Newbie hoping for help

    Hi, SuddenCircles, and welcome to AS!
  8. New survivor

    @Harmony5kw I’m sorry for what brought you here and if it’s okay I would like to sit with you also give some safe hugs.
  9. Newbie hoping for help

    @SuddenCircles welcome to AS. I’m sorry for what brought you here. So many safe hugs, if that’s ok.
  10. Memory - Truth or Dare

    He said it was a game. A secret game. I was 9 and my sister was 7. He, my brother, was 12. There had been a lot of change in the family in a short time. We moved to a different part of town with different schools. My mom went back to work and my dad went back to school to study for a new career. As a child, everything felt chaotic. My parents were so busy with work and school that it felt as though they did not have time for us anymore. I felt lonely, isolated, and less than. I was a weird kid and had very few friends before the move. After we moved, I had no one. One evening my brother was babysitting my sister and I. We were in the basement sitting on some old chairs. My brother suggested a game of Truth or Dare. As we played the Dares became more and more sexual. I felt uncomfortable. I did not like what he was asking us to do. I didn’t understand it. However, he was my older brother and I looked up to him. Most importantly, he was actually paying attention to me. I craved that attention. When the game was done he made sure to tell my sister and I not to share this with anyone it was our secret. I still get angry with my child self over this memory. I blame myself for just letting it happen. I get angry with myself because i was so desperate for someone to pay attention to me that i allowed for him to hurt both myself and my younger sister. Maybe, if I had pushed back when this had happened it would not have continued and gotten so much worse.
  11. Newbie hoping for help

    Hello. I’m not really sure how to start this. I’m kind of still in my story, working toward the end of this chapter and beginning of a new. I’m really struggling to find my way and hope to find some support and one day help support others.
  12. New survivor

    Hi, Harmony5kw, and welcome! Sending you support for your trial. You’ll get through it. Just remember to breathe. Safe hugs, if okay.
  13. There's no way back

    Is there anything i can do to help support you? seems like you are having a really hard time right now.
  14. 2nd session

    For me, the emotions came later. I was able to recall pieces of memories from the abuse and had no feelings attached. It was as if it happened to someone else. slowly, with lots of therapy, i was able to integrate the emotions with the memories and move forward in my healing. Best of luck on your healing journey
  15. learning it was wrong

    I am not sure how to begin writing. The perfectionist in me wants to ensure I sound eloquent, creative, interesting, and intelligent. The voice in my head is telling me that nothing I write will be good enough. It will not have any value so why even bother. The voice is telling me I will fail. The fear of failure is paralyzing. It keeps me stuck. I cannot promise that my blog will be a work of art. However, I can promise it will be honest and authentic. I am writing this blog for myself. I am writing in order to process and heal from my trauma. In the fall of 2009, I was a junior in college. I was obsessed with the idea of getting into medical school and becoming a physician. I needed more volunteer experiences to improve my chances of being accepted. At the time, I was volunteering at a suicide hotline, big brother big sister, a hospital, and with habitat for humanity. For me, the next logical volunteer experience was with the local YWCA as a sexual assault advocate. The 40-hour training on sexual violence was filled with statistics, research, and information on sexual violence. Additionally, it provided training on how I, as a sexual assault advocate, could help individuals that had experienced sexual violence. As a volunteer sexual assault advocate, I answered a hotline for survivors of sexual violence and accompanied women to the hospital after an assault. I was passionate about the work I was doing to help these women and devastated that there was a need for this service. The training and volunteer work opened my eyes to the horrors and detrimental effects of sexual violence. Consequently, it also brought back the deeply buried memories of my own abuse. During one of the classes we were given an assignment to depict a road map of our life. On a large poster board I mapped out significant events in my life both good and bad. This included the typical stuff such as birth, graduating high school, moving, and starting college. It also depicted a sexual assault I experienced at the age of 17. I stood up to present my poster board to the class. I had left significant amounts of my childhood blank and skimmed over it as I was presenting. As I looked at the blank section of my board that stood for ages 9ish through 11ish a heavy darkness came over me and I was briefly unable to speak. I quickly completed my presentation and returned to my seat. Once in my seat I began sobbing. The memories came back in pieces. Along with this new realization that what he did was wrong. The pain, guilt, and shame consumed me. These memories and emotions that my brain kept hidden from me were being ripped from their deep hiding place and pulled into my conscious awareness. It was unbearable and I began spiraling into a deep depression.
  16. Hello I am new

    Hi Tirzah, I am also new and it sounds like you are having very similar psychological systems as me. I can be here for! ❤🕯
  17. Last week
  18. New survivor

    Hi Harmony, I am very sorry for the reason that brings you here...including the struggles you face and the trial that you are about to go thru. It takes great courage to be part of a trial that could bring some justice for the wrong done to you and courage to reach out to others. You will find tons of support here. You are not alone. Take your time looking around and interact more when you feel ready. I wish you nothing but the best on this healing journey. Mary
  19. New survivor

    This is my first post and like everyone I'm here for support and understanding. The trial for my case is coming up and I'm so conflicted. The nightmares, anxiety and fear is constant. I see his face everywhere.
  20. I'm new

    Hi Someone, Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the reason that brought you here, but you will find tons of support. Our members are understanding and kind. I spent years in the denial you speak of, but I have found it helpful to be here. I feel less alone than I ever did before. Take your time and look around. When you are comfortable, jump in. I am glad you have found us and wish you the very best on your journey of healing. Mary
  21. I'm new

    Hi @Someone128 and welcome to AS! I’m sorry for what happened to you, but glad you found our site. It is a very supportive and welcoming community and a great place to share your story (once you get to 10 posts the Share My Story forum will be unlocked). Take your time looking around and getting familiar with everything. What happened to you was not your fault, and you can heal. Safe hugs, if okay.
  22. Hello I am new

    Hi, Tirzah, and welcome!
  23. I'm new

    Hello I'm new to this page. I have never really got out of the denial part never told anyone what happened to me. I found this site and thought the anonymous part would help me open up to be able to talk/deal with everything. Not sure where to start but hello to you and I'm so sorry for what you have went through. Thanks for taking the time to read.
  24. What is wrong with my country?

    So I was looking up things that you cause use for self defense in Canada hoping to find something that could help me calm down when walking. The thing is pretty much all forms of pepper spray or stun guns are illegal. I don't want to seriously hurt someone trying to get away......... knives are allowed to be carried but bear spray in urban areas isn't allowed and you can get picked up by the cops if you have a knife and they think you're suspicious........ what is wrong with this picture?
  25. 2nd session

    Thank you.
  26. 2nd session

    @GordyGood for you for getting back into therapy. I’m numb with my memories too at the moment. With time my emotions come and go, I feel like having the emotion connected with the memory of the event is very important in healing. You have to feel the emotion you felt that/those moments in order to complete it and release it. I just read trauma and memory by Peter Levine, it was an informative read in really sorry about your mom. I hope they’re able to prevent him from visiting her anymore and also find her phone. Sitting with you and safe hugs
  27. Feeling Nervous.

    Dear @maxinemorri, It was brave of you to reach out to us and it is understandable you'd feel nervous posting the first time. The good news is this site is full of kind and supportive people who understand what you've been through. Feel free to take your time reading through our different forums and then posting whenever you are comfortable Blessings, Gold Raindrops
  28. 2nd session

    So I went to my second therapy session , I plan on doing this once a week for at least a year . we started talking about some to childhood memories and she had me walk her through a couple of them that I told her before about . and she asked me what emotions I felt when I recalled these memories . None . I went though the memory of me walking in the kitchen with that gun to shoot my stepfather . And she asked me "what emotions did you feel when you did that" . There's absolutely no emotion attached that memory . She asked me how do you think you felt , I said imagine fear and anger . It seems weird to me that I can call up what few memories I have of my childhood and there's absolutely no emotions attached . I guess it's something we're gonna have to work on . And as for the situation with my mother , the land line is tied in. the nursing home let me talk to her on the 16th . My brother is still refusing to return the phone . As far as I know he hasn't given her her cell phone back . I'm going to call her tomorrow and see what's going on. He visits her on Saturday so I'm not going to call while he's there. She told me that he's emotionally abusive when he's there , that he's a control freak and everything has to be done his way . She's telling me she doesn't even argue with him anymore she just does what she's told . And every time she talks about a memory he calls her a liar . When me and him were still talking I mentioned that she told me about memories that I remember . And he was trying to convince me she was just lying about stuff and that I don't really remember it . I was supposed to hear from APS yesterday but I didn't . I'm going to call them Monday afternoon if I don't hear anything to see what's going on . I believe they opened up a formal investigation . My wife reported the phone stolen to the police department of the small town he lives in . They're not sure if they can do anything about it .
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