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  3. flashbacks

    Hi @warrior76 welcome to After Silence! It's really distressing when memories of trauma come back like that. I hope you will find a way to cope with this that is healthy. Way to go on taking a step toward healing and joining this community of survivors. You're not alone in this.
  4. flashbacks

    Hi warrior, Welcome to AS. I am sorry for the trauma you experienced, but please know you will find tons of support here at AS. Our members are understanding and kind. I am so sorry you are now struggling with something so scary. It is hard enough to deal with the aftermath of trauma, without new and intense memories and flashbacks. Do know you are not alone. Reaching out is a huge step to take, and I hope it is one of many as you walk down your healing path. Mary BTW...I love your user name.
  5. The question: What makes life worth living?

  6. flashbacks

    First welcome to AS! I’m sorry for the trauma you’ve endured and that your dealing with the after of remembering. I too have block so much of my life and everything hit me hard in 2016. I’ve done the drinking thing as well. Panic attacks are extremely hard and exhausting and I’m truly sorry for this. Flashbacks are hard to deal with as well. Are you seeing a T (therapist)? Just know you’ve found a safe place here where many of us can relate in our own ways. You’re not alone with this. Please try to be gentle with yourself. Take your time and look around say as much or as little as you like. Best wishes on your healing journey. PB
  7. flashbacks

    Since i stop drinking, Ive had some flash backs of my assault, One was when i laid down to do sit ups and had a moment but those few moments were scary, I close eye's trying to think of something positive, it went away but left me in panic because its something i had blocked many years ago and remembered at that moment. As anyone had those flashbacks. I starting to remember thing's..
  8. Hm

    So apparently I have a face that I make when I start having one of my “moments” where I just kinda start freaking out inside. I never knew I had one tell it was pointed out to me. Now I feel like I have to be more aware so I can try to hid it even more.
  9. weird trrigger`??

    Yea I just hate it I hate being scared all the time it sucks I wish my husband could go everywhere with me I would feel a lot better but I know that can’t happen
  10. weird trrigger`??

    Safe hugs if ok? i can sorta relate I have quite bad paranoia, if I leave I cup on the side in the kitchen, when I get back to it I wash it out & then I use it... same with out side if I have to got somewhere I am hyper vigilant and always looking back at anyone who's watching.
  11. Last week
  12. weird trrigger`??

    so this morning it was really foggy and you couldn't even see the next stop sign a block away from you. As I was driving to drop my kids off I felt a pressure in my chest AMD fear just came over me and all of a sudden I was so scared and so paranoid I didn't know what to do. I was on a highway so I couldn't just pull over so I made it to drop my kids off. But I was so scared to get out of my car I kept thinking someone as going to run up on is and R me while my kids stood there and cried. I finally managed to get my kids out of the car and dropped off but when I left I practically ran as fast as I could to my car and then at work I've been a little paranoid. Now I'm really starting to think its time for counseling but I just don't know how to go about it. I'm just confused and don't know what to do now.
  13. You would have studied and got all your GCSE's.. but that's life and that tough! (...unknown Social Worker)

  14. Hello my friends...hoping each of you are having a lovely day! I've had a draining couple of days, so please, please (with fat free whipped cream on top) forgive me for not updating this sooner. Fear not, though - I've spent some time thinking up actual blog-worthy topics non-related to my kids (although they may be mentioned from time to time) or my current weight-loss journey. All I'll say about the latter, though, is last week, I only dropped. One. Stinking. Pound. Perhaps that can be attributed to my binge on chicken wings the other night, or it could very well be due to not drinking as much water as I did the week before. I did vent to Oompa and she assured me that 'the check is in the mail.' For once, I'm going to trust her and listen to her - not because she IS right a small percentage of the time, but because I'm down 12.6 pounds in three weeks - this isn't a bad thing. It's slow and frustrating when the numbers aren't rolling back as quickly but the weight is STILL coming off. And I have to remember, I ate my chicken wings and had pizza two days in a row last week and STILL lost that one stinking pound. Okay, enough about that. That weigh-in update is only there because of my once-a-week promise - no one wants to hear about these things in every blog post. Now, moving onto other possible topics that I want to share my thoughts on. I've been seeing a lot of things posted recently, a lot of things that I can definitely relate to and as part of my own healing process, feel the occasional need to discuss. I'll call it, 'maintenance.' I define maintenance as simply touching up on these things before it builds up into something more severe, something that eventually I'll slap myself in the back of the head for not having dealt with sooner. Note, these are not things that I am currently struggling with - I honestly can't say I've been struggling with anything abuse or sexual assault related in years. However, once in a great while, things tap me on the shoulder and remind me they're still there - but usually, I'll respond with, 'yes, I know you're still here. I've got too much going on with my life right now, and I'm not going to give you any thought right now.' And it goes away, for a little while. It never disappears completely, and that's actually okay with me. I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect existence; we've all got our demons. Some of us are just better at completely ignoring these demons in order to function while others have their daily battles. I like to think I'm somewhere in between - and being 'in-betweener,' isn't something that I consider to be a weakness at all - it just reminds me of the fact that we're all just trying to get through life, we all have our methods, we all have our ways of coping. But it also reminds me - I've got shit that pops up from time to time and there's never, ever going to be a time when maintenance is not needed. I'm going to also say that happened to me has made me stronger. It's taught me more about myself, about LIFE than any schooling ever did. Some things I cannot remember nor make sense of, but I'm able to, at this point, understand why I'm feeling a certain way, even in some cases, recognize the reasons for my own reactions. So...I'm going to keep working on lists of things to discuss in depth - shout out to those of you who have posted about these things recently - it's possible you inspired me. For now though, here are a few things for you to look forward to in future upcoming blogs. - I'm going to talk about (sexuality) labels and why I don't feel that they apply to me, or to anyone else. However, know this - if someone else is accepting of their label, I am one hundred percent supportive of that, because my thoughts on it are not going to match everyone else's. I'm mostly sharing my own perspective on this. I've been asked what I consider myself. Am I gay, straight, bisexual? The short answer to this is - none of the above. The long answer will be revealed later. - I'm going to compose a letter to three of the main abusers in my life, possibly four. And, I'd like to warn everyone - I'm not going to be very nice. So when you see that particular blog entry, please do proceed with caution and know that it WILL likely be triggering. Because things like that, well...there's no sugarcoating. It's pure unfiltered anger, and I'm going to allow myself to be angry. I'm going to put it all right here where it belongs, and direct it toward those who deserve it. My thinking is - I've held it in for far too long and it's an important piece of maintenance that SHOULD be done far more often than I've done it. - I'm going to talk about the old me vs. the me I am today. I'm going to have a little trouble with this one since I have suspicions of CSA having occurred when I was a child; things I cannot remember too clearly now and only have fragmented memories to support these suspicions. These suspicions didn't start until I was an adult, so my time-line is now a huge question mark. I was originally dealing with the before and after the SA that occurred in 1996, now I'm not sure if the 'after' began much sooner than that. Was I ever normal? (Don't answer that, I know it's wide open, but...ya know...) I welcome your thoughts, too - if there's something you'd like to hear my take on, please, please don't hold back and hit the comment link. You'd be giving my already-tired brain a little bit of a break from thinking. - Capulet
  15. FB_IMG_1519402453190_zpscujqv7st.jpg

    Um I found this and had to share it with everyone here... I wouldnt but cha knoe

    1. Annie7

      Annie7

      HAHAHAHAHAHA that's freaking brilliant 

      i will do lol

    2. MeBeMary
  16. Missing my light.

    My light or as I like to call him. My William. He is someone who I never thought that I would find. Its hard for me because everyone is trying to keep us apart. How do I deal with that when I can feel it in my soul that he is right for me. They will never understand that when I find someone who can relate to my fears that that is something very special to me. I just wish that they would let me be happy and be with the one who makes me feel whole again.
  17. Welcome to me:)

  18. Help desk query

    You do not need to repost your request. It is visible only to you and the appropriate staff members. No one else can see another's post in the HelpDesk.
  19. This is my doing something.

    Me too. I have to pace myself. alphabet soup
  20. Help desk query

    Hi Rose, Thanks for replying. That's really odd that you can't see it. I posted it last Thursday. It looks like it has been read more times than just my own reads so hopefully someone can see it! Do you think I should repost? Thanks Reyzl
  21. Help desk query

    The Help Desk is still functional, and is the best way to get in contact with a mod or admin. Please keep in mind that some requests may take longer.
  22. Help desk query

    Hi Reyzl I actually can't see your request in the Help Desk section, the last one there I see is mine posted in 2016
  23. Hi I posted a request in the Help Desk section a week ago and no one has replied yet. I had quite prompt replies in the past so I am wondering if the help desk it is still being used/staffed? Should I direct my request to a particular mod instead? Thanks Reyzl
  24. Lost in my mind

    There are times when I catch myself staring outside and looking at nothing. All that I am thinking about is how jumbled my mind is. For all these years I have been lost. I can't explain why I am the way I am. When my screams in my sleep wake up my family how do I tell them? I play it off that it was just a nightmare. It never is. Someone close to, during an argument, told me that I need to stop being the victim after all these years. As if I have some on and off switch. I wish that I knew how to stop this tail spin. If I knew how to help myself then I would do it. I want to live a normal life. Maybe I am simply cursed to live this way.
  25. I may not be having a good day but I'm learning that if I stand up to the fear and dread of doing things I usually enjoy myself and find there was nothing to be scared of. I am stronger then I believe I am

    1. MeBeMary
    2. ActivistAlly

      ActivistAlly

      That is called bravery.  You are strong.  :luck:

    3. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Safe hug :hug: if ok?

  26. making progress...maybe??

    so I finally decided that I wanted to go see my dad in jail after the fact that he R me. I printed out the application to submit to be able to visit him. now I just have to mail it off. I'm not sure if I want to sill send it off or not but I did fill out the papers. I swear I feel like they want to know everything about you. I think they even do a background check to before your approved. I don't know how I feel about going through all this bs just to go visit the man that ruined my life in more then one way. I'm hoping that it will be healing in some sort o way or maybe itll mess up my head even more then what it already is. but ig there is only one way to find out and it is to go see him and see what happens.
  27. I didn't deserve to be mistreated like that...

    1. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      No you don't. :( Sitting with you, if it helps.

    2. Stephenjames

      Stephenjames

      Thank you @MeBeMary, for your kind words.

       

  28. :sadang:Nobody should feel so unbearably sad on their birthday...

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. EmptyInside

      EmptyInside

      Thank you! Happy belated birthday!!

    3. heartofamethyst

      heartofamethyst

      Thank you very much! 

    4. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Safe hugs :hug: if ok? 

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