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fearlessflaws

Lost, Confused & Need To Figure This Out.

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Hi everyone, i'm new here. I'm not sure if i belong here, or if i should even be telling anyone my situation. But telling complete strangers is a lot better than telling personal friends and family. Let's start off by saying i'm seventeen years old and my boyfriend is twenty-one years old. We met each other on Facebook, and found out we were only 2 miles away from each other. We have now known each other for a little over a year. He started off as being nice and overall a complete sweet guy. Our first conflict was when he told me he had a fantasy of murder after watching his brother murder their father & he went into graphic details about how he wants to torture and kill someone. That is when i ended all contact with him and ignored all calls and text messages. 3 weeks of ignoring him he some how found out my address (later found out he GEO tagged one of my pictures) and he showed up at my home at night while my mother was at work. He confronted me and was literally begging me to talk to him again, he repeatedly apologized for scaring me off. We made an agreement that if he didn't mention anything like that again then i would talk to him again. He was back to being his sweet self. Until 2 months later, he got upset that i was hanging out with one of my guy friends a lot. He said he trusted me but he didn't trust other guys around me. When i told him i wasn't going to leave ANY of my friends he completely turned beyond aggressive. He wrote me a 5 paragraph email basically telling me to go kill myself, i'm worthless, i'm a sl*t, i'm better off dead, i'm fat, i'm ugly, i'm nothing but rape meat (he knew i was raped in my past and he knew how much it hurt me). After reading that email i completely broke down and went into full blown depression. 2 days later he blows up my phone and called over 70 times and texted me over 100 times telling me he was sorry, he didn't mean any thing he said, he was drunk, it was a mistake, i pushed him over the edge, it wont ever happen again. after dealing with him pleading for forgiveness on the 8th day of constant texts and phone calls i finally gave in and took him back... now i realize how much of an idiot i was for ever letting him back in my life. He keeps telling me to remember all the good times we had, he tells me we have more good times than bad times. i did eventually end up leaving 3 of my bestest guy friends just so he wouldn't yell at me. We had our occasional arguments often, but the next big one happened 9 days ago. We were hanging out, cuddling, then he brought up that i shouldn't go to college here. I told him i was going to go to college here because i have to live with my mom and she wants me to go to the local college near us. He said i should wait. He told me i would only end up in debt, that it would be a waste of time. He told me when i turn 18 this year that he was going to snatch me up and bring me to CA (3,000 miles away from where i am now) with him so i would live with him on military base and told me it would be easier if we got married so i could stay with him on base and get benefits through the military. He told me marriage isn't that much of a difference than what we have going on now. He told me i would be able to divorce him any time i wanted. i told him i wasn't comfortable with any of that- i think he noticed my behavior change so he quickly changed the subject and told me i better never leave him or mess with anyone while he is gone for 3 months at boot camp (he is now at boot camp) or else i would end up getting my ass kicked. He then turned sweet and nice, and started kissing me. Eventually he got on top of me and was pulling my pants down i told him no not yet but he told me he's my man and i have to do it for him then told me to be quite and said he "i know you want it baby". As he started pushing it in me it hurt so bad that i told him to please stop but he told me that he would go slow but within two minutes he went as fast and hard as he could and held my mouth so i couldn't say anything or yell. i started crying then he stopped and his whole attitude changed, he grabbed me and hugged me and kept saying "i'm so sorry baby i really am sorry i just couldn't control myself baby i'm sorry please forgive me i won't let it happen again i promise please I'm sorry" - at this point i was numb and didn't know what to do or even what to say. so i just shook my head, i basically blocked it out and pretended it never happened. He went back to being nice and cuddled with me but he still kept apologizing. that night was the last night i have seen him- because that morning he had to leave for boot camp. He didn't ejaculate inside me, but he also didn't wear a condom either. i just hope that i don't end up pregnant, there is no way i can handle a baby right now. I still have bruises all over my body from that night, and it's been 9 days but they are still visible. I don't know what to do, or what to even think about everything. Maybe he really couldn't control his self, maybe he really is sorry, or maybe he meant to do everything all along. i know if i leave him while he's at boot camp and he comes home and finds out i left he will seriously harm me. i just don't know.... i'm lost. someone please give me advice, or opinions - anything please.

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He is not a guy that you will want to have anyting to do with, he will always be this way. He will hurt you, and then apologize like saying sorry fixes things, if you stay with him you will get hurt, pregnant and just be his "girl", but then there's the whole murder thing too, it sounds as though he enjoys violence, hence why he joined the military too.

You said no and he continued, thats rape, when someone says no you stop. Saying sorry afterwards does not make it ok.

The best advice I can give you is to break it off with him, block him on facebook and have your friends do the same, change your cell phone number, he is an abuser/rapist/violent and wont change. Get a restraining order, tell his commanding officer that he is abusive and needs a mental health evaluation, and maybe even report him to the police for rape. You could also call the state mental health authority and let them know of his violent tendacies, rape, and his murder fantasy and let them evealuate him.

Basically do what you can to leave him ASAP, tell your friends that he is violent/physco and not to do anything for him, and it wouldn't hurt to even move somewhere else.

If you have concerns about pregnancy, then take some morning after pills and a pregnanc test too, plus a blood test to make sure he didn't give you any stds.

If he comes around again, call the cops and say he has a knife and you're scared for your life, they will be there very fast.

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This man is dangerous. He's already proven that to you time and again. You were raped, and i'm so sorry that happened to you. You deserve better. Get as far away from him as possible and protect yourself.

PLEASE PLEASE turn the setting on your phone regarding the camera GPS location to "off" so he can't see where any of your pictures were taken. If you don't know how to do this, send me a PM and i'll walk you through it.

As stated above, report him and the offense. This will only get worse in time, and who knows what he's capable of dong next.

Please get out....

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I agree with the others - he is dangerous. Abusers follow a classic cycle of abusing and then apologizing which can be confusing, because they seem so genuinely remorseful after the abuse when they are apologizing. But they always do it again. They have written books on this pattern - don't be taken in by the apologies, he has abused your trust already and raped you.

Please do everything you can to avoid seeing or having any contact with him.

You deserve to be treated with respect!

Stay safe and take care!

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I also agree - break off your communication with him, and get help so he cannot hurt you when he gets out of boot camp. Go to your local rape crisis center and ask them for a list of resources in your area in case he comes back and you need help. I would also try to get a restraining order since he has threatened to hurt you again; the crisis center can advise you on this. Definitely contact some authority so that you have a back up escape plan (both a physical place to go and an emotional support person knowledgable about your situation and available to back you since it sounds like he has both manipulated your tendency to trust and physically harmed you already, and will probably try both again if he returns) before he gets out of boot camp. As already said, this is a classic abuse pattern that can only get worse if it continues. Your safety is most important, and the fact that he raped you knowing you were already a rape victim makes it clear that he is not a safe person. Actions speak louder than words, nothing he said or could say will change the seriousness of his behavior. Block communications, get help to keep yourself safe and out of his reach, and make sure someone in the area knows of your relationship and his threat so he will be unable to approach you privately. Also, try to make contact with the 3 bestest guy friends you lost contact with and repair your friendships (or at least let them know that it was a miscalculation on your part), both because it is good to get your friends back AND because the fact the your rapist isolated you from them suggests he thinks they were potential support persons for you. Finally, be aware that until you turn 18 your rapist is legally forbidden to touch you even in a consensual relationship (you under 18, him over 21 = statutory rape by definition). Since he is patently "grooming minors for sexually violent relationships", the police will be on your side in this case. And, putting him on record will almost certainly protect other girls because this behavior typically gets worse until stopped by legal intervention (or death). You should report him, and you should do it now (while you are still under 18)! I would recommend reporting in this case, anyway, because his threat puts you in real danger when he returns (and he has already demonstrated that he is truly violent). I am glad you are here, fearless!

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I totally agree with all of the others!! RUN!!! Do NOT have any more contact with him!!! I see so many red flags that he is an abusive and mentally disturbed person! A normal person does not rape his girlfriend and then apologize and think that all is going to be okay! Do NOT go 3000 miles away from your home with him. If you do that, he will have you totally isolated and can and WILL do anything he wants to you! My ex was quick to get me out of state and away from my family. I was 18 and went through nothing short of hell for the next 7 years!! I agree that you need to get a protective order against him and block all and any contact with him. By you stopping talking to your friends, because he wanted it, that is another way for him to isolate and control you!! With him telling you that he has murder fantasies and then being so controlling about you and the things you do, I would be worried that he could possibly carry out that fantasy, with you being the victim! I know that is hard to hear, but I want you to see this, for exactly what it is!!! I am 45 and have been in therapy for 20 years now. I was 16 when I started dating my ex and didn't see what he was doing, nor did I have a community like this, to help me see that he was evil and only wanted to hurt me! My ex did the same thing with me, by starting off being so sweet to me and being the person I thought was going to rescue me from all the hurt I had, already suffered. He instead turned that abuse around on me, just like yours did to you!! Please, stay away from this man!!! With him calling you 70 times in one day, that is obsession, not love!! And for him to tell you all the things in the letter he sent you, shows just how truly unstable he really is! You deserve so much better!! And please do not marry him!!! Any person that tells you "you can divorce me any time you want" does not take the vows of marriage serious and he is using that, as another way to control you. That will make getting away from him, so much harder!! This person will not get any better, only worse, I promise you that!!! Here is a link to the cycle of violence wheel that shows how they use things against us: http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=96691&hl= Here is a link to how they go from being nice to psycho back to nice, back to psycho, etc. : http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/ Please check these links out!! I am so sorry that you have run into this guy, but it is not too late to get away and stay away from him. Just know that I truly care and do not want you to have to go through all the hell I went through with my ex husband!!! Please stay home and go to college and get you a degree. Your life will be so much better, than what it would be, if you leave with this man!! You deserve only the best. Not to be control and hurt!! Please take gentle care of you! (((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

~SNM~

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I had posted an entire message and my computer shut down and did not save it. Ugh. Please know that I agree with all the others!! I will keep you in my prayers. Follow the links SNM shared. Please be safe!

-twelve

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Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Found

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