Someone Please Help Me Understand

[frustrated1]

Hi all my name is Sherry. how do i help my girlfriend.

[nikkibeth1989]

Hi Sherry,

Welcome to AS!

It's good that you are trying to help her.

I hope you find what you need here.

Nikki

[susieq08037]

Hi all my name is Sherry. how do i help my girlfriend.

Hi sherry and welcome to AS

well, the only way to help your friend is to just be there for her.

I don't have much to go on. talk to here and get her on the site.

This is the most amazing site I have ever or will ever see.

Everyone on here totally understands. and is willing in every way. we don't judge, blame. and so on.

I would like to help write me anytime

susie

[Solameya]

love her

listen to her

believe her

respect her boundaries

give her time to heal

take really good care of yourself and get help if you need it

remember that her healing is her job. You can be there to support her but you can't do it for her.

[frustrated1]

Hi all my name is Sherry. how do i help my girlfriend.

Hi sherry and welcome to AS

well, the only way to help your friend is to just be there for her.

I don't have much to go on. talk to here and get her on the site.

This is the most amazing site I have ever or will ever see.

Everyone on here totally understands. and is willing in every way. we don't judge, blame. and so on.

I would like to help write me anytime

susie

she has totally withdrawn from me. happened 2 years ago. says she doesnt love herself and shes terrible. i have tried to get her on her and to a therapist. she wont even talk to me now.

[Phedre]

I'm assuming that you're here because your girlfriend is a survivor and you are trying to figure out how to make the relationship work with that. The most important thing is to make sure that communication stays open. Both of you need to be able to talk through your feelings together. Survivor relationships work best when both people have at least one source of in-person support (whether that's a therapist, a close friend, a relative, etc) besides each other and are both actively working on making the relationship work. I'm glad you're here and committed to making things work. Welcome.

[frustrated1]

I'm assuming that you're here because your girlfriend is a survivor and you are trying to figure out how to make the relationship work with that. The most important thing is to make sure that communication stays open. Both of you need to be able to talk through your feelings together. Survivor relationships work best when both people have at least one source of in-person support (whether that's a therapist, a close friend, a relative, etc) besides each other and are both actively working on making the relationship work. I'm glad you're here and committed to making things work. Welcome.

were not together, i tried to help her and now she completely ignores me. im lost, i never did anything but try and help her. shes afraid of talking, on here or to anyone. im the only one she has told

[Solameya]

Unfortunately you can't do her healing for her. She's got to decided if and when she's ready. She's got to believe she's worth the investment of time and money that healing takes. She's got to be ready to expend the emotional energy. You can be there and love her and support her, but it's still up to her. Take good care of yourself because I think it can get really taxing to try to be there for someone going through this.

There is a really good book called "Allies in Healing" that I gave to my partner. I think it's for partners of Childhood sexual abuse, but some of the info might be relevant.

[Phedre]

I agree with what others have said, that ultimately her healing is up to her. One thing that strikes me though is that not going to therapy is not a definite indicator that the person does not want to process trauma or work on improving their life. Therapy is one possible way to work through trauma. You said that she wasn't interested in going to therapy, but you didn't mention why. Maybe she didn't either. As a survivor who has often felt pressured into therapy when it hasn't made sense for my situation, I can relate to withdrawing from partners who are asking me to go. I don't do this because I am refusing to acknowledge a problem, but because I often feel frustrated that partners don't ask about what I have already been doing to help my situation or what progress I've made or what they can do to support me. Survivors are often used to dealing with people assuming that we don't know what we are doing and can get a bit defensive when asked to do healing differently. Perhaps therapy might be a good idea for her, but either way it seems like there needs to be an open dialog about what she will be doing to improve her situation and how you can help her. You can't force an open dialog to work, obviously, but I think it might help to just let her know you won't pressure her towards any specific decision but you are concerned about her and want to help her.

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Found

[blossums]

Hi frustrated1, welcome to AS

I am really sorry, you are obviously hurting for your partner and want to help very much, that is lovely

I have to agree with everyone else, though, we can't make anyone deal with this if that's not what they want to do, the best you can do is say that you are there for them

All the best luv