Hi There!

[dave908]

Too make the story short, I know this girl who was raped after some party. She has told me about the incident and I was horrified. My predicament is that she wont tell her mom, she told me, and she wont tell anyone else. I told her that potentially talking to her mom or to a counselor for rape might be a good idea but she gets so upset and mad at me if I ever mention anything closely related to the subject. I dont want to force her into any counseling so do I just present the opportunity to her by doing some research? Another big issue is shes worried about the legal side of it also and doesn't want to get involved with the cops. So I guess some sort of anonymous talking?

She is 18 and I'm 19, can you guys give me any suggestions on what to do? Or how to do anything?

Edited May 30, 2011 by dave908

[Denali]

Your concern is a wonderful thing and comes from a caring heart. Ultimately it is her decision whether to tell or not tell, and to whom she chooses to disclose this crime.

Be supportive but not pushy. It's a difficult place to be in as her friend, Dave. I know you the best for her. However, if pushed too hard, she may retreat. Let her know you are 100% supportive and will stand by her no matter which decision she makes. Some counseling would be best. If she could contact a rape crisis hotline, that might be the first step in this process. Let her know she is not alone and can come to this site if she can get the courage. My best to you both.

Anni

[~FOUND~]

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Found

[dave908]

Your concern is a wonderful thing and comes from a caring heart. Ultimately it is her decision whether to tell or not tell, and to whom she chooses to disclose this crime.

Be supportive but not pushy. It's a difficult place to be in as her friend, Dave. I know you the best for her. However, if pushed too hard, she may retreat. Let her know you are 100% supportive and will stand by her no matter which decision she makes. Some counseling would be best. If she could contact a rape crisis hotline, that might be the first step in this process. Let her know she is not alone and can come to this site if she can get the courage. My best to you both.

Anni

Great advice Anni! So far just letting her know that i'm here 100% improved the situation. I understand being pushy and caring is a fine line so i'm still keeping that gap separated. Thanks for the help and hopefully the situation will develope into an ultimate solution over time.

[blossums]

Hello Dave, have to agree with Denali on this, it's really great that you are a kind supportive friend and actually that is the wonderful thing you can do for your friend

take care

xx

[~FOUND~]

I hope you are finding your way around the boards ok.

Found

[sjudmajo]

Too make the story short, I know this girl who was raped after some party. She has told me about the incident and I was horrified. My predicament is that she wont tell her mom, she told me, and she wont tell anyone else. I told her that potentially talking to her mom or to a counselor for rape might be a good idea but she gets so upset and mad at me if I ever mention anything closely related to the subject. I dont want to force her into any counseling so do I just present the opportunity to her by doing some research? Another big issue is shes worried about the legal side of it also and doesn't want to get involved with the cops. So I guess some sort of anonymous talking?

She is 18 and I'm 19, can you guys give me any suggestions on what to do? Or how to do anything?

Hi

Sharing

She feels she can trust you and yes talking to someone else is good besides you. She is not ready to and may be afraid to right now. Yes I would on the research. She will need to talk to someone maybe mention ask her to look for another group like this one if you feel like you may be betraying her by mentioning this one. Yes anonymous talking is good. Ask her to start writing in her journal online or offline and that will help her to cope with it. Getting it out of the brain is crucial.

remember that even though you want to fix it and feel helpless at times remember comfort her and letting her know that it is valid is what you can do and benefit her and you

Thoughts?

Judith

[Hope513]

Everyone takes their own time to take the steps they need to in order to heal. Your friend told you because you are the person she feels she can trust and turn to. And in time she will be ready to seek help. When something like this happens, you just want to hide away somewhere. But you also feel the need to reach out. So you choose someone that you are close to and reach out to that person. I can imagine how hard it is for you to watch your friend go through this but remember, it is a very scary and emotional time for her. Just be there to support her. And when she is ready to seek that help, stand by her. She will need all the friends she can get.

[dave908]

Everyone takes their own time to take the steps they need to in order to heal. Your friend told you because you are the person she feels she can trust and turn to. And in time she will be ready to seek help. When something like this happens, you just want to hide away somewhere. But you also feel the need to reach out. So you choose someone that you are close to and reach out to that person. I can imagine how hard it is for you to watch your friend go through this but remember, it is a very scary and emotional time for her. Just be there to support her. And when she is ready to seek that help, stand by her. She will need all the friends she can get.

Yeah its been about a month now and we talked last night. I sort of brought it up and that was a mistake.... She got really upset and said im trying to hurt her by bringing it up because no one else brings it up. That she has basically forgotten it and said "I was drunk it was my fault" and can move on and forget about it.

All I mentioned were that there are other people out there that know what you are going through because obviously I dont. I want to try but I dont think thats realistic, so turned off the burners, for now. It will piss me off because she needs to do something, but I'm obviously in no place to say anything and it would be selfish of me to push her.

Pretty much I was trying to help and was seen as an asshole.... I guess the classic saying time heals everything will help

It doesn't really help her any when I am hearing from all of you guys (thanks for the responses by the way) because she doesn't want to believe anything I say or its attacking her. Luckily she agreed when she was ready to check out this website so yay!

Thanks guys for the help really appreciate it

[sunshyne]

Dave- She just might not be ready to deal with it yet.

For example, I was abused during my childhood up to age 17, and I got some help on and off in my 20s but didnt get serious about it until 3 years ago...and I'm approaching 40 now! Not saying she'll take as long as I did, (hopefully not!)- just that sometimes it takes a while. If it's only a month since the incident happened, it's still pretty fresh.

And you may get tired of hearing about it from her in the meantime so you may want to have someone you can talk to about it to keep yourself stable (someone who is not her, that is)

Companions of survivors can burn out pretty quickly.

One of the most helpful things my friends have provided me is someone who will just listen to me when I'm ready to talk about it and no matter what kind of nonsense I have in my head.

On the other hand, the other most helpful thing my friends have provided me is someone who will have a good day with me when I have a good day, who will laugh with me when I laugh, and who doesnt stress more about my situation than I do.

I applaud your desire to help your friend Dave and its obvious your friend feels comfortable with you and trusts you.

Remember to take care of yourself and take your ques from your friend about what she's ready for. You'll do fine! It is a good sign that she agreed to look at this site- She will be able to get addtiional support here.

Hang in there! It will get better!

[~FOUND~]

Thinking of you.

Found

[sjudmajo]

Too make the story short, I know this girl who was raped after some party. She has told me about the incident and I was horrified. My predicament is that she wont tell her mom, she told me, and she wont tell anyone else. I told her that potentially talking to her mom or to a counselor for rape might be a good idea but she gets so upset and mad at me if I ever mention anything closely related to the subject. I dont want to force her into any counseling so do I just present the opportunity to her by doing some research? Another big issue is shes worried about the legal side of it also and doesn't want to get involved with the cops. So I guess some sort of anonymous talking?

She is 18 and I'm 19, can you guys give me any suggestions on what to do? Or how to do anything?

Hi

Just encourage her to write about it online or off. Writing helps to heal things. Encourage her to go to a site like this. She will talk when ready.

Judith