Hi, I'm New

[scientist]

Hi, I not sure really why im here. its support i guess. I was a victim of incest when i was 8-9 years old. 2 older brothers. It made me feel really different from the other kids at school and i felt embarressed generally just because i am me.I told no one because it would split up the family. Holding that big secret was awful too. I was always easy with men in my 20's. I m married now but still look at other men.I still do not think that sex is sacred between 2 people. I'm so messed up i think that friendship and commitment and respect for each other is love and sex is just the same as kissing.why is this. why do all other women hold sex in a high place and i dont care about it at all?

[~FOUND~]

:hug:

Welcome to AS.

I hope you find this site to be helpful.

Thank you for sharing.

Your bravery speaks volumes.

Found

[nikkibeth1989]

Hi Scientist

Welcome to AS!!!

Well done for taking this step

I hope that you find the support that you are looking for here

Nikki

[~FOUND~]

I hope you are finding your way around the boards ok.

Found

[sunshinee]

Hi Scientist,

Welcome to Aftersilence.

My name is Mandy and I am apart of the Newbie Support Team here at AS. If you have any questions about how to navigate through the site, please feel free to send a message and I'll be happy to help.

I don't think that you are alone with this. I think of sex as both. In my relationship it's used for the two purposes. Yeah at times it can just be sex and other times it's making love.

Mandy

[hereforhim]

Hi, I not sure really why im here. its support i guess. I was a victim of incest when i was 8-9 years old. 2 older brothers. It made me feel really different from the other kids at school and i felt embarressed generally just because i am me.I told no one because it would split up the family. Holding that big secret was awful too. I was always easy with men in my 20's. I m married now but still look at other men.I still do not think that sex is sacred between 2 people. I'm so messed up i think that friendship and commitment and respect for each other is love and sex is just the same as kissing.why is this. why do all other women hold sex in a high place and i dont care about it at all?

Looking is okay. And commitment, respect and friendship are all love----I'm sorry sex was ruined for you but those other things are more important to a good relationship and I hope you and your husband have those.

[~FOUND~]

Thinking of you.

Found

[scientist]

Thanks for the kind words. I feel that i have the sex drive of an 18 year old male and i do enjoy that part of my relationhip with my husband. It just makes me feel unstable in myself that i look at other men in this way.Especially since i have no other feelings for them. Just a need to have sex. I might be slightly addicted to the attention of men and the feeling i get when they want me. I hate this about me. It's not me it is not who i am. I want to see things normally. I blame what happened to me for this warped way of seeing men. If other girls knew i thought like that they would not understand. Thanks for listening.

[sunshinee]

I understand. I know there are people on here with similar situations- I remember reading their stories. No one here is here to judge. I have a really big sex drive too, but right now we've decided no sex until marriage in our relationship.

[hereforhim]

Thanks for the kind words. I feel that i have the sex drive of an 18 year old male and i do enjoy that part of my relationhip with my husband. It just makes me feel unstable in myself that i look at other men in this way.Especially since i have no other feelings for them. Just a need to have sex. I might be slightly addicted to the attention of men and the feeling i get when they want me. I hate this about me. It's not me it is not who i am. I want to see things normally. I blame what happened to me for this warped way of seeing men. If other girls knew i thought like that they would not understand. Thanks for listening.

Go home and let him take care of those feelings. My husband does that for me and I do it for him when he is turned on by an attractive female. Before we met my ideal physical apperance was a tall dark haired, dark skinned man. My husband is tall and faired skinned and red/brown hair. He knows that my ideal still turns me on though I would never act on those feelings---so he takes care of that arousal----and does it quite well I might add. Once I was with one of his female, co-workers and we were watching a group of people working with children at a school event and one of them was so good-looking in my book and I commented and fanned myself a bit----and the other said "I'm going to tell your husband"-----I said go ahead and tell him and tell I'm bet waiting at home for him or if you don't tell him I'll call and tell him myself this afternoon. She thought I was nuts but I was just honest----you can't help who you find attractive---you can only control your reactions to that physical response.

[whimsical1]

welcome to after-silence.

[alp]

hi. You are so very not alone in your feelings. I too so very much separate intimacy from love. I have been in a relationship for 4 years with a wonderful man. I used to look at, flirt, talk to ..... men all the time. It was almost like a need that I had to fullfill, regardless of me being in a relationship. Although my intent was never to hurt the man I was with, my desire to be found attractive to other men was very strong. We have had several break ups over the past 4 years and the first thing I did was find a man to be with, did not matter if I even really liked him. I found it very very easy to separate sex from any emotions.

I finally realized, after much soul searching, that this was self destructive behavior (maybe a repercussion of my past abuse). Self destructive behavior can take many forms (drugs, alcohol) - for me it was men. I will not lie and say I still do not have those tendancies, I do. But, I am honest with myself and with my partner and I will tell him when I start to feel a need to "stray". He is very supportive of me. Laslty, I think I have realized that I am a good, beautiful person who does not need a man to define her. This is a hard one for me as I so want acceptance from men (again, reprecussion from my past). But, I know how to stop and not cross those lines again.

So, your feelings are not uncommon at all.

Edited March 31, 2011 by alp