The Scabs Keep Falling Off

[SadThunder]

Hi there. I'm new here. I dunno what I'm looking for. I guess just open ears(or in this case, open eyes). I was moleseted for 6yrs by my stp father. He kept me in a state of fear that to this day i can't even comprehend. But when I was finally able to break free, i spent a few years "catching up" on all the things that i felt I missed out on in highschool, like dating, having "normal" sexual relationships, drugs, etc. So after yrs of abuse i basically abused myself. At that point i was suicidal and lonely. I shared my situation with a friend who suggested reporting him to the police. I'd never even told my mother for several reasons, fear he'd kill me and her, shame, i thought it was my fault and she'd blame me, and i was a shy girl and was mortified by what was happening. But I did report it. All long story short, it came down to my word against his. So case closed. And to make it all worse my mother didnt believe it. She figured i was trying to hurt them for the years she allowed him to beat me and mistreat me in other ways. I don't blame her for those years and wish i could tell her that one day.

I always kept in contact with my mom bcause of my little sister still living there. I'd pretend nothing ever happened just so i could see her and let her know she had a place to come to if anything was bothering her. I stayed close by for 8 more yrs, pretending and inside getting sicker. Finally when she graduated and went away to college i was free to go. I packed my bags and moved clear across the country. But I've still never gotten any counselling. And I try to tell myself these things as horrible as they were happend a lifetime ago and to try to forget. My wounds have scabbed over, but ever so often something will open them back up. Over the years my little bouts with depression have gotten worse. Now they are more frequent and debilitating. The one person I confide in thinks i'm suffering from PTSD. All I know is i can barely leave my house anymore without practically suffering a heart attack.

[Survivors sanctuary]

Welcome to the AS group, I hope that you find it can help you ..

[Charlene]

welcome to the boards

~charlene~

[Jessie]

Welcome to AS hun

[Donna]

((((SadThunder))))

I'm sorry that you have been through so much hun, but please know that you are not alone.

Keep posting and welcome to After Silence. :hug:

[Cactus Flower]

Welcome to AS. I'm sorry for what you have suffered. I hope you will be able to find the help you need.

[~Catherine~]

Welcome to After Silence hun, and I am so sorry for what you ahve gone through.

~Catherine

[mariposa]

Welcome to AS

i'm sorry you've been through so much, but also so grateful to you for staying and protecting your little sister...everybody should have someone like you in their lives.

I know it may be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but trust me, you can get there. I hope the beautiful family of AS helps you along the way as much it helped me.

Daniela.